Tuesday, 29 December 2009

12 Days of Cackmas (work in progress)

Day 1 (Cackmas Eve): AM: Shopping with zombies. PM: Bit of turkey, fair amount of scotch.

Day 2 (Cackmas Day): AM: Usual. PM: Usual

Day 3 (Cackmas Day Part II): AM: Stress, stress, cooking!, fucking stress. PM: Drinking, serving drinks, dishwasher, drinks, dishwasher, dishwasher, dishwasher, drinks, fucking cheese, dishwashser.

Day 4: AM: Hoover, tip, more hoover. PM: Unblock drain, swear, buckets.

Day 5: AM: Tip again, buckets AGAIN!, swearing, dial-a-cunt. PM: Scotch, Modern Warfare 2, cheese.

Day 6: AM: Drain plus cunt plus girlfriend = fighty tears

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Quality Street Awards 2010

Ladies and very gentle men, we are pleased to announce that entries for the first annual Content Flavoured Trousers Quality Street Advertising Awards are now open.

The Quality Street Awards seek to recognise the very best and rarest of talents within the advertising industry, without charging you any money at all to be nominated. The Quality Street Awards are open to anyone who works in advertising in the UK. Players must be over 18. Judging takes place some time in the new year, but we'll stick a picture up of Dave Trott looking fat and interested or something to help you pretend he's judging it. Placings are as follows:

Gold = Green Triangle
Silver = Caramel Swirl
Bronze = Coconut thingy

How to enter: Choose a category from the list below, place your nomination/link/whatever in the comments box, and the fat picture of Dave Trott'll be in touch!


1. Best Advert By a Man Called Dave/David

2. The Nice Award for "Yeah, nice stuff"

3. Most Expensive Load of Bollocks

4. Most Christian Sounding Blogpost by a Planner

5. Least Creative Director

6. Best Brew by a Placement Team

7. Most Worried About Their Appearance

8. Total Cunt award for the Biggest Absolute Shitting Bastard

9. Weirdest Headline (on a poster on a bus or train)

10. Best Nomination in a Self-Nominated Category

UPDATE: We've just confirmed that along with the fat picture of Dave Trott, we've now added this fat picture of Charlotte Church to our judging panel. Get in!

Monday, 21 December 2009

All I Want For Xmas

Introducing Brass Hero: The Cor Anglais Edition the hardcore brass and woodwind simulation game.

Play as all of your favourite trad ensemble intruments as well as your favourite period and European horns. Including:

-Cor Anglais
-French Horn
-Flugel Horn
-Bass Clarinet

Features 25 cornet solos and over 60 traditional Polish wedding mazurkas!

Coming Soon: Ultimate Band Leaders - Glen Miller Deluxe

Friday, 18 December 2009

Elf & Safety


Title Cancelled Due to Weather

Excellent post hither from the behemoth of good sense, The Ad Contrarian, concerning the origins of our common enemy - marketing agency bullshit.

And just to prove I understood it, here's a civilian riff along the same subject: Mr. Stewart Lee, taking the piss out of brand values. Superb.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

The Drum's Impenetrable Headline of the Day: "Hats Acquire Not Affect PR-TV Stepping Bid Tilly"

The Drum's business insider: Big Chief Snake Laughter

Chestershire: Rumours aghast like great pillocking sod machine while east wind thick with news that Shiela Notty of PR press release like sausages agency is make agressive offering to business upon business like man's hat agency Tilly Associates.

Bid big news say industry mouth men. Many women tread road like bear to work PR sausage press, but Notty walk along TV river, wash feet in London first.

To appease Gods, Tilly expect wolves by dawn.

10 Christmas Ads I'd Love to See

1. Erm...

2. Maybe one with...

3. Um...

4. How about a big... er...

5. Some starfish...

6. Or, er...

7. With a song?

8. And then there's...

9. Um...

10. Oh, who gives a fuck.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

A Prod & A Wink

I went here yesterday and had a nice chat with this man. It was a genuinely lovely day, and along with Iain, I'd like to thank the following people for making it such a memorable day:

- The woman who's cat (yes! a fucking cat!) didn't stop mewling all the way down from Warrington to Euston.

- The twat in cowboy boots outside Rough Trade who let me and my mate openly take the piss out of him.

- The friendly Scottish gentleman on the train back who told me a joke that was both historically accurate and unrepeatably obscene.

- Last of all, the good people of Virgin Trains who despite being grumpy, unhelpful, and expensive did at least get me there on time. For once.

So a Merry Christmas to you all. Well, except to you Mr. Cowboy Boots. We couldn't have been more sarcastic frankly, you self-regarding tit.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Join In

Hi there blog-hounds. Sorry for not posting these last few days, only I've been real busy NOT THINKING ABOUT ADVERTISING of late. Still, I'm sure you lot will have made up for it, cruising the web for other people's work to slag-off anonymously in a comment box, as though you'd never be so crass and unsophisticated as to deliver a piece of work that does all the dumb things clients ask you to do, and the context of which you have no knowledge of anyway because you work in your agency and not the one whose work you're pointlessly sniping at like a jealous neighbour, because that's just intellectually lazy, right? and goes totally against the principles of the seasoned Anonymous Commentator.

But as I say, I've NOT been thinking about advertising of late. So I haven't even seen this ad...

...which is as well because the consensus is it's absolute fucking dogshit, as opposed to say, just a really shit angle to try and sell.

So, once again apologies for the lack of posts. I'll try and think really hard about some adverts over the coming hours and share with them all with you without my name on them.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

A Christmas Gift To You All

What's that Santa Claus, someone's spiked your drink!?

Hang on a minute, that's not your drink - that's your drink.

Who's supped my Babycham then? And who's is that mulled wine? Jesus, we better get you a taxi, mate.

Doh, if only he'd marked his pint with a beermat or something before he got too pissed.

Come on, big man. Let's get you home and check you haven't been interfered with...

Presenting the Content Flavoured Trousers Christmas Party Ale Guard and Beermat!

This attractive, high quality beermat is easy to use, safe to carry and fits under and over virtually any Christmas drink. Including:

Egg Nog
Creme de Menthe
Mulled Wine
Ginger Wine
Fruit Wine
Port & Brandy

Printed on whatever card your printer uses, the Content Flavoured Trousers Christmas Party Ale Guard and Beermat is not available in the shops. To recieve your Content Flavoured Trousers Christmas Party Ale Guard and Beermat for FREE, simply click the image above, do "save as" blah blah blah.

Please enjoy responsibly.

Friday, 4 December 2009

History of Ad Agency Websites Course Classroom Change

The History of Ad Agency Websites course has been moved to next week. The faculty apologise for any inconvenience this may cuase.

Course notes for the first session can be found below. Notes for the second session are currently being re-edited in light of recent research. We aim to ensure all of our courses are of the utmost relevance to students, and we hope this will provide an even fuller understanding of this fascinating subject.

The Dean

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Monday, 30 November 2009

A Sexual Fantasy Involving Cheryl Cole

Hi there everybody/one. As many of you will know, when I'm not writing award-winning transmedia marcomms collaterals and that, I like to write spontaneous sexual fantasies involving celebrity women.

Today's fantasy involves tear-stained Geordie trollop, Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy), who entered my mind in much the same I would like to enter her - ie. very suddenly.

CHERYL: Ooh, ooh, John, it's me, Cheryl. Can you hear me?

ME: Is that you Cheryl? Cheryl? WTF!? Where are you you?

CHERYL: I'm up here babe. In the air-conditioning pipe.

ME: Wha-? But -? Are you ok. Cheryl? Is everthing all right?

CHERYL: I'm fine darlin', but I'm completely naked.

ME: Naked? In the air condition pipe. Are you taking the piss?

CHERYL: No, honestly, John I'm serious.

ME: Don't mess me about you tart. How did you get up there?

CHERYL: I was drying me hair.

ME: A likely story.

CHERYL: Honestly. Please John, you've got to help me (she begins to sob) You've got to believe me.

ME: How do I know it's really you? I can't see your ID.

CHERYL: Erm... See that small inspection vent above you..? I'll poke me tit through it and sing you a Girls Aloud hit.

ME: Ok. Smashing. Cheers. (she starts to sing)

CHERYL: How's that for ye?

ME: To be honest, I can't really tell if it's you without the backing vocals. It's a gorgeous tit though.

CHERYL: Thanks babe. Dya want to see the other one?

ME: Aye.

CHERYL: Eee, fuckin' hell that's a bit tight...

ME: Don't struggle. I get the idea.

CHERYL: No, I want to show ye me other big tit.

ME: Cheryl, mate, it's fine. Honest. And anyway, I better be off now.

CHERYL: Oh, ok then. Well, don't let me keep ya or owt.

ME: Cheerio then. Hope you're not stuck too long.

CHERYL: Me neither. I'm randy as a fuckin' tramp now.

ME: Oh well, can't be helped I suppose. Bye bye then.

Quiz Time

Here's some wordy-puzzling fun for the visually impaired. Enjoy.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

10 Better Ways to Make a Living than Copywriting

1. Sucking off lepers for cough sweets

2. Scraping piss off bog seats with a razorblade

3. Farming sheep in Siberia

4. Being a really fat postman

5. Crocodile tester

6. Freelance flag ironer to the Queen

7. Nick Griffin's practice gollywog

8. Giving out The Metro on Sundays

9. Semi-pro blindfold jackal rapist (an illicit North African bloodsport)

10. Cleaning the cups at McCann's

A History of Ad Agency Websites: Module 1.0

Welcome to this introductory module entitled A Hitory of Ad Agency Websites. This course is designed to give an overview of the core theories, trends and motifs of this fascinating new area of study.

Critics may argue that the history of agency websites is simply the history of web design. However, even a cursory study of the subject reveals this simply not to be the case. Many agency websites are barely up-to-date, let alone cutting-edge. And it is here that academics have begun to thrive - within the ironic disparity between businesses which purport to be creative, dynamic and adept communicators, and their websites which are often clumsy, derivitive, and duller than an old nun's knees.

Ad agency websites fall roughly into 4 different categories. Crucially, these categories are not chronological or periodic. In some cases, certain creative elements (or motifs) have become so cliched and prevalent over time as to warrant their own category. Like here, our first example.

Category 1: Pens & Paper
Probably the most boring, obvious and overused creative idea in the entire history of agency webites, the pen/paper device is an attempt to illustrate HOW FUCKING CREATIVE PEOPLE WORK YEAH! short of setting fire to a tie and pissing on it. Early exponents of the pen/paper motif were AMV BBDO, whose old site featured an animated hand drawing things on post-it notes. Here, the pen or pencil represents a sort of " big ideas cock" with creativity spurting out the end. Leo Burnett also use a pen/spaffy handwriting motif to denote their creativity, whilst Iris are currently running some predictable hand-drawn-on-a-whiteboard animation to describe their advantages. Some cute, regional, and equally hackneyed examples of Pen & Paper mis-use can be seem here, here and here.

To be continued... [Next time - Category 2: Swirly Shit]

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

The Baby Seal's Tears are Shaped like the Sole

INTRUCTIONS FOR USE: Watch video. Laugh at observations. Cry at awful truth. Unsuitable for graduates and people allergic to Americans.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Brokeback Pudding

Matthew Walker Christmas Puddings? Never heard of 'em until I caught this beauty last night.

The best Xmas ad so far? Or the best portrayal of an awkward homosexual relationship since Brokeback Mountain? Either way, it brought a big fat smile to my misery-chops. Not sure whether it was the acting, or the fruity looking turtle-neck that did it.

Anyway, here's two senile old queers talking about puddings. Stuck in his chimney, indeed! Genius.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Advertising Feature

Why Not Become a Freelance Copywriter?

Welcome to the Copywriters Bureau - the home study course that helps you get briefs.

As a freelance copywriter you can earn money writing the shelf-wobblers, spam emails, catalogues, and small print that designers can't be trusted with. Earning your share can be frustrating, erratic and financially crippling.

To help you succeed we offer you:

A first-class home-study copywriting course written by another freelance copywriter
Expert personal guidance on going overdrawn
Advice on chasing invoices
Guidance on HOW TO SELL YOUR WRITING to people who probably won't read it anyway
Full refund guarantee if not successful (which you won't be)
7 year trial

Success Stories

Albert Cortisone, Shittocks Fob, Dorset

I've always enjoyed the many advertisements I see around me since my wife died. So writing my very own seemed like a happy thing to do. All of my hats go off to the Copywriters Bureau who gave me the courage to find the correct tone of voice for our village website, and for the £125 the parish council paid me out of court.

Paella Foreskin, Crisis Upon Avon, Warwicstershire

I'd never heard of copywriting before. I thought it was something to do with the law, or a slang term for a sexual assault. But only the other week I got a call from a recruitment agent who said they could get me £65 for copywriting a radio advert for a car dealership. Natually, I said yes. That was a fortnight ago, so watch this space!

Hordak Monroe, Blacktwat, North Yorkshire

Thanks to the tenacity of the Copywriters Bureau, the money I've earned from copywriting in the last 6 years wouldn't pay for a rat's funeral. My wife's just left me, and I've now resorted to dancing topless behind the Truck Stop just to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I did manage to get my book in at McCanns 2 years ago - something which could never have happened before my fruitless obsession with advertising began, and my involvement with the Copywriters Bureau.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Vote Now! The Drum's Penis 100 2009

After months of examinations, The Drum's mission to compile the definitive list of the 100 biggest penises in marketing is almost at a (bell)end.

Rank the wankers below and determine the five biggest ball-tickling, willy-waving cocks in all of Marketingdom.

1. Tony Breakfastshire, Chief Exec. Dredge Digital: He might be fat and bald but look out ladies... Tony builds government microsites for a living and drives a bright yellow Lotus! He also happens to be a good 7inches when fully aroused. Turn-ons for him this year included doing a talk about Twitter to some civil servants and his beloved Leeds Rhinos - both of which made him spunk like a soapy drain.

2. Nicholas De Pigeon, Creative Director Brands R Us: You wouldn't normally associate the world of direct marketing with genital piercing, but 48 year old Nicholas De Pigeon proves the exception to the rule. A bad-tempered homosexual, it's this results-driven approach that has seen Nicholas maintain an 8 week erection over the acquisition of a poxy client from a shit rival agency. Incumbents, Medi@It waved good bye to "Nan's Dog Meats" in September and Nick's been pulling the head off it ever since.

3. Edwyn Bagg, chief executive Papilloma Group: There's only one thing Edwyn Bagg loves more than highly targeted response-driven B2B campaigns. And that's the sight of his own manhood reflecting in his Blackberry under the table during client meetings. After a minor success at a regional awards ceremony this year, Eddie demanded rough, drunken sex with his PA, Jaime, who he enjoyed strangling with his clip-on pony-tail. Is Bagg a preening bully? Definately. Does he do some nice brochure work? Occasionally.

4. Glen Pleb, creative director The Fifth Reich: As creative director of one of the most high profile agencies outside London, Glen loves nothing more than pulling his trousers down and telling graduates he hates their work. Squeaky voiced misfit Pleb can usually be found swinging his ginger dick around awards ceremonies, regaling all who can cope with him with tales of his unwavering creative prowess and great big hairy bollocks.

5. Nimrod Stool, chief executive Insolence PR: One of the most prevalent, if not unavoidable, penises in the industry, Nimrod regularly pokes his dick into the pages of the trade press spurting out sterile Twitter and Facebook flavoured cum all over his reader's faces. Heaving his deformed balls round awards ceremonies and dinners, Nimrod is regularly photographed grinning like a priapic ape in a tuxedo, pumping out sticky self-importance and flicking it at guests.

Friday, 13 November 2009

10 Tradesmen's Van Slogans for Writers

1. Amis & Son - Comic and Contemporary British Fiction - Est. 1954

2. G. Greer - Feminist theory and criticism - Installation and service - Quotes available

3. J. Kerouac - Same-Day Monologue Service - Recitations on request

4. Dickens' Page-Turning Ltd. - Overnight parts delivery service

5. Philip K. Dick - No tools left in van overnight

6. Howard Phillips Lovecraft - Supernatural Fiction Consultant - By appointment only

7. D. Brown - Worldwide Express Bulk Fiction

8. Joyce's of Dublin - Purveyors of Fine High Modernism since 1914

9. Dostoyevsky - Hardcore Existential Foundations Ltd.

10. Bronte, Bronte & Bronte. - Romantic Moorland Surveys - North Yorks. area. Free estimates

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Breaking News from The Drum: Goodfellas to Sponsor British Armed Forces

Pee Yar Correspondentalist: Judas Winstanley

The news broke with a grenade-like BANG! this morning that Goodfellas Pizza has struck a £70million sponsorship deal with British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan.

Goodfellas marketing executive Katie Gash told The Drum: "Our war heroes are an obvious sponsorship choice for us, aligning the Goodfellas brand with real life good fellas who are hungry for success and enjoy getting stuck into tasty foreign things."

The deal will intially see members of the 51st Batallion wearing the Goodfellas branding on their helmets and vests, with Goodfellas Pizza to become an official supplier to the armed forces. A new range of pizzas and toppings have been created to support the campaign:

Friendly Fire - Mild chilli, green pepper and onion
Camoflage - Mushroom, yellow pepper, spicey chicken, black olives
Tora Bora - Extra deep and hollow crust
Tali-Banquet - Spicy meatballs, pepperoni, ham, chicken, red peppers

A spokesman for the MOD said that the decision to go ahead with the sponsorship deal was not taken lightly. "A good many people may see this sort of thing as tasteless. But Goodfellas Pizza are well tasty. Just like our boys on the front." Revenue from the deal will be pumped back into the MOD to buy much needed bullets and sun cream.

An industry insider told The Drum that Goodfellas are already in talks with the British Legion with a view to sponsoring next year's remembrance service.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Short Story Competition

Do you like words and stories and occasional pictures? Then why in the hell don't you enter the first ever Content Flavoured Trousers short story comeptition?

How To Enter
Simply look at the picture below and write a story about it! Use as much of your imagination as you can, and as many or as little words as you are capable of. I'd suggest using at least 1 character, although 3 or 4 or even 5 wouldn't be out of place.

Ready then?

Nice one.

Post your entries in the comments section. Winner gets a pot of jam and a grappling hook.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Creative Directors of your Nightmares # (lost count)

NAME: Scary Negro Puppet

GOOD POINTS: Is literally hands on.

BAD POINTS: A bit old fashioned. Will kill you in your dreams.

Another Brick in the Wall

Yip hip hip hoo-rah-ay! It's 20 years since the Berlin Wall fell over. Anyone still confused as to why they built it in the first place, should watch this.

See if you can spot an excited Adolf Hitler at the end... or is it a young David Bowie?

Comedy & Advertising

Adverts are funny aren't they. LOL, ROFLOL, mummy-my-legs-are-wet funny. Take a look. This one's nearly as funny as Del Boy falling through the bar every Xmas for last 30 years.

This year, Herr Dave Trott said that we all need more comedy in advertising, especially "at the moment" ie. skint and fucking miserable and at war (although he was about to judge the Chip Shop Awards at the time so perhaps he wasn't being quite as sincere as he could've been. Or maybe it was a joke in itself? Ha!) Anyway, his main point was that we all need to bloody well lighten up a bit. After all, the business of advertising, which is - let's face it - the business of finding interesting metaphors for products, isn't exactly life and death. And yet, walk into some agencies and you can almost hear Doom turning over in his bed... Shhh! People tapping away nervously in corners, piles of papers being marched over to desks to be whispered about. (If it's a small agency it tends to feel a little bit like Das Boot). Sure, we all have our Star Wars toys and posters up around the studio, but they're nothing more than sentimental reminders; like teddy bears on a child's grave...

No. The atmosphere in many agencies is barely conducive to creativity let alone a laugh and a joke. But humour remains one of the most powerful weapons in the ad man's (brass and mahogany) gun cabinet - a weapon that remains firmly under lock and key because humour might be a bit "inappropriate" or send "the wrong message" at the minute, because we all love being fucking miserable and uptight, right? Wrong! People like being happy, and like feeling they've gained something. Which is what humour does so much more effectively than (for example) an assurace of the quality and history of Kelloggs corn flakes, or any other stolid and pretentious recession-proof campaign.

Eric Idle once said that comedy is just "telling the truth", which is correct (if a little reductionist). To put it another way, humour and comedy are based entirely on honesty, and it's this that audiences respond to, whether it's the sarcasm of Blackadder, or the absurd pathos of Cadbury Gorilla (arguably the greatest ad of the last 10 years). In fact, if I wanted to be a total wanker about it, I could go so far as to say there's something Charlie Chaplin-esque about Cadbury Gorilla... but then I'd have to suck Kirsty Wark's lady-cock to get on Late Review and talk that sort of bollocks.

We're constantly told that humour is a difficult thing to get right in advertising, SO difficult in fact, as to not even be worth attempting. Ironically though, the process of writing an ad isn't that far removed from writing comedy. Headlines, tag-lines, holding lines, punchlines: all obey the same principles, structures and mechanics. But the lack of humour in advertising isn't due to the lack of talent. It's due to a lack of material - the increasingly shit, weird, cynical or pointless things clients want us to sell...

Oh, look. Another DFS Xmas ad with All I Want For Xmas on it... Must be time for Del Boy to drop through the bar again.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Unfamiliar Territory

Barman. Any chance of a drink? I've seen a lot of shit writing lately and I just need to calm my nerves.

-Was it something I read on holiday? No, everything I read on holiday was great, thanks. I read Frost by Thomas Bernhard, which was hilariously miserable and very, very German; I read Hangover Square by Patrick Hamilton which was exceptionally good and the kind of tight, perfectly poised novel no-one can be arsed to write anymore; and I read Nick Cave's Death of Bunny Munro which was ace, and also a clear example of something you can genuinely describe as "mordant", which is a good word to use any time of the day.

No, the shit writing came before I went away. I was forced to deal with the single worst thing a copywriter can ever face: someone who thinks they can write. (Better make it a large one, yeah...)

As George Orwell once said in his essay Politics and the English Language, when it comes to writing the "enemy of clarity is insincerity". Which is to say, if you have no fucking idea, interest or understanding of what you're writing about, "one turns... instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms" - or as I like to put it: cliches and dogshit.

See, the difference between great copy and 150 words of crude, hollow, formless, nervous, prattle is roughly 1 day's research. Minimum. And NO! Mr. & Mrs. Planner, that doesn't mean researching and understanding your audience. It's not method acting, for fucksake. An audience is always gonna be an irreducible vortex of atomic randomness, yeah - and you can't apply quantum theory to the world of general relativity, dickhead, so lets just stick to what we know and can prove and undertand, ie. the facts. Let's not start second guessing and theorising (the client hasn't got the time/money for all that). No, we just need to get our heads round a few universal basics and take it from there. Once we've got those figured, digested, reduced, boiled down and mapped out, we can travel wherever we like within that world - the familiar territory of the audience.

It's this skill that every creative needs and that every shit writer lacks - the ability to make sense of and find a clear, confident and convincing way through unfamiliar territory. If you don't know the lay of the land before you set off, you'll be up Shit Creek after about 10words. The shit writer I had to deal with got so lost and changed direction that many times, the writing wasn't even fluent anymore and only just literate in some places. A right mess (shudder). I guess he's still trapped there now, going round and round in circles trying to find his fucking audience, bless him.

A toast then: to shit copywriters everywhere!

Ah, Mondays...

(NOTE: I've been away for a week. Does this still count as political satire?)

Friday, 30 October 2009

Incredible Facts!

Did you know..?

Gary Barlow's real name is "Gary That". After naming his band Take That, he changed his own name to Barlow to make sure he didn't look like a totally egotistical plonker.

Now that's incredible!

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Oh, great! The Drum have asked people who work in advertising to write blogs for them. I wonder what they'll say..?

This week's Drum guest blog comes from Peter Popshield, executive creative chairman and foundling partner of Hubr!S Brand Ensemble.

Well, what can I say that I haven't already said before. I'm honoured The Drum has asked me to write for them. Who'd've thought that I'd have anything interesting to say to anybody other than myself. I certainly wouldn't have done. In fact, I asked myself that very question in the mirror this morning. I asked myself "What will I say in The Drum this week?" But I was unable to find an answer. So instead I looked at myself again, and just tried to imagine what I'd like to read myself saying. Then I started writing it down on my laptop, whilst lying in my own bed next to my wife, who incidentally also works at my agency with me. Anyway, I thought I'd start with a little bit about myself.

I've worked in this business now for what seems like forever to me, and every day I start my day in the same way - I think about my clients. I think about the relationship I have with them and what I can do for them. Then I make myself a nice cup of tea to bring me back down to earth. Some people think this business is bullshit. But it isn't. Which is why I always drink tea in my morning. To remind myself of the importance of my clients and the great work that I do for them. It's no secret that all the great people in history drank tea. Humble people like Gandhi drank tea. And let's face it, he also had a great brand. Which is what I tell my clients. I tell them that a great brand is like Gandhi, and a great advert is like a cup of tea. But more about me later...

I get into my agency around 8.15 in the morning, except for a Tuesday when arrive at 9.35 after my regular physiotherapy session. I injured myself some years ago in a relatively amusing way doing something vaguely related to my job, but I won't bore with my details. One of the things that sets my agency apart from other agencies is that we insist on knowing eachother's names, and using them whilst in work. I think in this increasingly crazy digtial sphere of ours, making a real connection with people is increasingly difficult. So addressing eachother as Peter (in my own case), or Andrew, or at the very least "mate" during the day reminds us of all of the challenges each of us face in communicating anything of any significance to anybody else these days. Which is exactly what I tell my clients - a great brand is like a name, and a great advert is like a mate. But enough about me...

I'm very lucky to still work with one or two of my old mates. Which is another thing that sets my agency apart from other people's. Back in the 80s, Gaz and Phil were the best creative team this side of the Headrow. Which is exactly what I tell my clients. A great brand is like an old mate, and a great advert is like the 1980s. But I'll get on to that later...

At 10.15am my 22 year old designer (Steph) strides vivaciously into the kitchen to make tea for all of of us. She is beautiful and talented in a way that I no longer understand. As ever, I avert my gaze by casually flicking through the Sport, which i despise, and hope that I look open-minded rather than thick. But being around young people is one of the things that sets my agency apart from other people's. Which is exactly what I tell my clients...

At 10.55am the tension within my agency and my skull is unbearable. It's this pervaisive sense of failure and inadequacy that sets my agency apart from other people's. Which is exactly what I tell my clients and the police. A great brand is like a skull, and a great advert is unbearable...

At around 2.15pm Steph makes another round of teas for myself and my clients, who I mention Gandhi and history and great men to before I execute them in long succession. One of the things that's always set my agency apart from other people's is the silver Beretta and hessian sacking I've kept in my left-hand drawer for the last 4 and half years.

But enough about me.

Monday, 26 October 2009

The Best £10 I've Ever Spent

It's been a funny old weekend. After spending Friday night at a party with an old-lady style migrain and feeling like 75% dogshit, I needed some serious cheering up.

Lucky then I had tickets to watch Harold Pinter's The Caretaker at the Everyman in Liverpool the next day, cos -blimey O'Reilly- what could be more cheerful than the story of three mentally ill men trying to subjugate one another in a small room? Not much, right.

I've said here before it's not often I go to the theatre, and this particular production showed me exactly why that is: because most theatre will never be as good the play I watched on Saturday afternoon. As someone who'd only ever read Pinter's plays as a moody teenager, you HAVE to see them performed to understand just how fucking good they are - preferably by an amazing cast (inlcuding Jonathan Pryce), with a spectacular set, and some bloody reasonable ticket prices.

I think it's only on for another week though, so get your culture-fingers out you jaded scum and ponce on over to the Everyman for an unforgettable 2hours of the blackest comedy you'll ever see.

Happy days.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Channel 4 faces backlash over T4 "When Andi met... Nick"

Plebs and journalists shat themseveles this morning over news that flustering BNP fusspot, Nikolous De Griffin is to be publicly spoken to by black homosexual, Andi Peters, in a lightweight teenage lifestyle show after Hollyoaks this Sunday.

The elite white media went literally apeshit after preview tapes of Peters asking Griffin if he liked Kanye West or curries we're leaked to the press in what will doubtless become a string of spaz-fisted media gaffs. Channel 4's reputation for moronic shite-baiting is already under increased scrutiny after the Countdown letters spelt out "WOGGYWEES" last Tuesday afternoon.

Shilpa Shetty is said to have been "devastated" by the news.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Advertising Promotion

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Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Giving Thanks

Hi God, it's John here.

Just to say a big thanks that this absurd digital project's nearly finished. I'll be heading on back over to Satan though next week to find some proper work. Hope this is ok.

Satan, if you're listening, stick a fork in my backside as soon as you like. All this bland, evangelical shite's made my arse go numb.

Monday, 19 October 2009

What Are Friends For?

Recieved the following text message from a friend of mine over the weekend:

"I'm off to Stephen Gately's funeral today. Going to see if I can sneakily fuck the ass and mouth of his stinking Irish corpse before they nail the lid down and send him into a very Catholic hell for eternal correction."

Cheered me up anyway, between trying to read The Guardian and watching bloody X Factor.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Milk Marketing Board

Maggie Thatcher Milk Snatcher's about to get her arse kicked.

This is wonderful for at least three dozen different reasons.

I'd've given my entire calcium deficient skeleton to have written this.

Really Obvious Ideas for TV Shows # 973

TITLE: The XXX Factor

DESCRIPTION: Rude version of the popular pop-star talent show, The X Factor, aiming to find the nastiest up and coming (like a train!) hardcore adult performers.

HIGHLIGHTS: Judging the female soloists. Judging the groups. Boot Camp (just use your imagination). 18 year old girls saying stuff like "I want this more than anything!"

CELEBRITY JUDGES: Ben Dover, Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jamesen, Lorraine "Ooh, doesn't she look great!" Kelly.

Friday, 9 October 2009

Big News from The Drum's Friday PlodCast: "Postcard Showcases Fresh Creative For Man Selling Gas Oven"

The Drum's provincial correspondent Thierry Ennui

PRESTON, LANCASTERSHIRE: The Drum was dead lucky enough to be invited to the unveiling of a new campaign by Geoff Iddon - 57 year old truck driver from Penwortham, a throbbing capillery off the enlarged creative heart of Preston.

In a bold move, Iddon both wrote and art directed the campaign, which aims to sell a 6 year old Whirlpool 4 ring gas oven to a diverse array of audiences, including the notoriously difficult to crack male and female markets.

Iddon opened his mouth and told us: "£90 and it's yours. I just want it shifted". Media buying was kept in-house, with Geoff's wife Christine negotiating a number of deals with local newsagents. An initial push of one fortnight will see the campaign go live across Forbuoys on the hill and Singh's at the top of the road, with a wider strategy aligning with a potential run in Loot. Viral is being handled by Geoff's son Paul who'll be asking round work.

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

(Gay) Son of Surface Porn

Urgh god I love surface porn. Like, doing something tangible in real life is great. But doing it virtually on a screen is so fucking kinky. Like having a weird sub-dom relationship with an inanimate object - "look but don't touch... Oh, go on then... Ha, not really! I'm just a screen. Go on. Stroke me you pathetic bitch" etc.

Anyway, meet Surface Porn's spoilt laa-dee-dah step-son, Surface Erotica.

As if he weren't mucky enough already, here's David Hockney's iPhone "paintings". The slut.

More here.

Slightly Disconcerting...

...inadvertantly sinister, but very creative and all together lovely.

No, I'm not talking about me. (I'm just a plain old cunt).

I'm talking about this.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Social Not Working

I'm sure this is hilarious if you're 12 and thick as fuck. No wonder it's so popular.

What happens when advertising disappears up its own arse..?

... goes all the way through its guts, back out of its neck and starts sucking its self off?

Here's the answer. Juan Cabral's haunting masterpiece "2m 51sec Of Bloody Nothing with Sony's Name Stuck On At the End".

My favourite bit is the bit when - oh fuck it. I was bored after about 32sec.

Is it a film? Is it a viral? Is it even an ad?

Who gives a manky shite.

Monday, 5 October 2009

Advertising Feature

Hi, I'm Lorne Spicer. You may have seen me on the television, or heard my voice from across the living room.

If you're anything like me (ie. you are a "woman" of a "certain" age) you might not realise it but you've an increased risk of suffering from an empty vagina.

The Lorne Spicer "Gash-in-the-Attic" Femi-Bung has been specially developed to provide the most discreet female pleasure and comfort on the market/bootfair.

So if you're over the hill, and have a cavity to fill, just ask for "Gash-in-the-Attic". Available from: Boots, Wilkinsons, Dorothy Perkins and Halfords.

Lorne Spicer. THE name in affordable senior dildonics.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Sometimes My Mind Wanders

Just imagine if Jesus had been really, REALLY fat. Like, Jerry Springer fat. Fat enough to take up 3 seats on a plane. Fat enough to fuck up a bus.

Imagine his mum telling him to get that pie in him. You'll never grow up to the be the son of God if you don't finish that crust. Then imagine the Last Supper being like a child's birthday party, with fizzy pop and ice-cream and Big Fat Christ smashing cake into his chops with jam all down his chin.

Imagine the Romans calling in re-inforcements - 4, 8, 10, 12 of 'em, all heaving and straining to get the cross up. One of 'em does his back in, another one moans about getting chocolate on his nails... Then juuuust as they think he's up - CRUNCH! the cross breaks and big old blobby Jesus goes bouncing on to the floor...

What a palaver.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009


My creative director really, really likes it when I "copy" his writing style.

The kinky fucker...

Monday, 28 September 2009

More cheeky Drum fun: "Sim to Fight Evil Self in Scrap Yard Like Superman 3"

The Drum's Alistair "Oh, him" Sim Correspondent: Harry Glans

Devisive industry personality Alistair Sim today unveiled plans to twat himself in a bare-knuckle junkyard brawl like on Superman 3.

In a swanky press-conference at Urbis, the Nice Sim told the Earth: "The brief was simple - to somehow embody the (alleged) evil within me and publicly destroy it, along with any inferred press speculation that I might have been a bit of a cunt."

At the time of going to press, Sim's evil side was unavailabable for comment, swigging neat whiskey from a bottle, and snorting coke off a placement's portfolio. Allegedly.

Nice Sim told The Drum: "The plan is to use a magnet to pick the evil me up by the glasses and hurl him into a car-crusher." Meanwhile, an Evil Sim insider told us he intended to just "drop an engine on his head". Nice Sim went on: "For someone as affable and timid as I am, I'm gonna have to look pretty deep within myself to find the strength and courage to kick the fucking shit out of someone as close as to me as I am." Allegedly.

Happier times. Hasgrove Group board members (L to R), Dim, Sim, Blim, and Tim

Related news:
Sim drinks tea with friend - absolutely nothing to report
Sim eat fishfingers, chips, leaves beans
Sim morphs back into Moon Wraith - returns to home world
Sim quits advertising to pursue pro dominoes
Sim sick to fucking death of publicity
Blogger sick to fucking death of Sim publicity

Friday, 25 September 2009

Slagging Off The Drum Friday Special

The Content Flavoured Trousers "Slagging Off The Drum: Friday Special" is now available to members through our subscription service.

Get the latest bile direct to your Inbox, iPhone, CockPod and BumTube for just £12 a month.

Executive annual subscriptions start at just £144. 96 a year and include an exclusive membership preview service with exclusive previews of executive's members.

Click here or fuck right off.

Ronnie Barker + John Wayne Gacy = ?

This man!

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

More news from The Drum: Greater Manchester Police launches viral about dangers of line-dancing

North West Correspondent, Buster Christ

With the line-dancing season upon us, GMP have launched a new viral video targetting thick people vulnerable to the dangers of line-dancing. The campaign (created by TBWA/Mongchester) cost "well over £3000" and will be internetted across the web and mobiles.

A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police said "I hate line-dancing. Every year, we see more and more vulnerable people subjected to this horrible, degrading pursuit. It's grotesque, foolish, and it has to stop." Last year GMP wasted nearly 3.5hours of police time dealing with drunk women in cowboy hats outside church halls. The hard-hitting viral is the first in a number of digtal campaigns planned by GMP, who have allocated £12m for marketing this year. With the raping season fast approaching, GMP are currently develping a number of flash games aimed at serial sex offenders and nonces.

Monday, 21 September 2009

News from The Drum: Advert in Trafford Centre created by total spastics

North West England

A new advert for some sausages was unveiled at Manchester's Trafford Park Shopping Plaza Park Facility in and around Manchester today.

The advert features photographs of sausages and some copy referring to sausages. An innocent shopper described the campaign as "obviously about sausages".

Samples of the ad were unavailable at the time The Drum reacted to the news. Speculation is that the ad has been conceived by the Trafford Centre's in-house team of spastics - further evidence of the difficulties facing regional agencies chasing the lucrative sausages briefs as more and more butchers farm out their creative to a load of fucking spastics.


campaignlive.co.uk, 21 July 2009, 06:00am

LONDON - Each week, Campaign is publishing a rubbish cartoon, written by two particularly small-minded ad "creatives" who are as funny as AIDS, and illustrated by Jay Taylor. View the gallery of embarrassing cartoons here.

10 Composers that sound like chavvy Scouse children

1. (Ay,)Mozart(get here, now!)

2. Debussy (leave it!)

3. (Our) Chopin

4. (Our) Elgar

5. Brahms

6. Bach

7. Offenbach

8. (Our little) Bizet

9. (Ay,) Verdi (pack it in will ya!)

10. Handel & Haydn (if it were twins)

Ask in Store for Details

Are you thick, vane, and homosexual?

Then why not work in one of Manchester's many department stores, and make your snidey, hollow fantasies come alive!

Benefits include:

Weird fucking haircuts
Shit make-up
Dead eyes
Cunts at every turn

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Shitting In Christ's Eyes (and other news)

I like headlines today. That one popped into my head as I was walking up the street during my lunch moment at the donkey sanctuary. Subsequently, I imagined a whole newspaper full of stuff, because I'm inacapable of doing any other work today due to a constipated brain. I thought it would be helpful to force some material out the other end and on to my blog (here).

The main part of my imagined newspaper was a section called "Public Forecast" which went something like this:

General Public Forecast for Manchester UK 16/09/09: Strong facial disfigurement with a prevailing hare lip, followed by intermittent Chinese girls in leather tights. Hippies in the North. Overnight gays and trendies, with patches of tramps clearing by dawn.

Then I arrived back and the donkey sanctuary. Still constipated.

Do you think I can retire off it?

Why hasn't anyone done this for the iPhone yet?

Monday, 14 September 2009

I'm a planner (and so is my wife).

The "project" me and Dre the donkey have been working on recently has become very fat and convoluted indeed. This is entirely due to planning.

The peculiar (some would say "maverick") structure of the project means that everyone at some point gets to be a planner - even me.

Unsurprisingly, being a planner is completely shit. And I always knew this to be the case (hence I made a conscious decision to be a creative instead), but now I've actually gone and proven it, which - lo and behold- is precisely what being a planner is all about: wasting lots of time proving yourself right.

If you like planning and enjoy going to meetings and talking in shit aphorisms all the time and fucking around with spreadsheets and reading pop-psychology books (and I bet you're all vegetarian too) and like spending time talking about other meetings you've had, and never actually having anything to show for your "work" except some Powerpoint slides and some tedious anecdotes, then Planning's definately for you.

Or if not, the civil service.

Friday, 11 September 2009

Patronising Cunts

Are you black, Asian, Chinese, Arabic, or a bit foreign looking?

Then the public sector would love to hear from you!

As part of its commitment to equality and diversity, the public sector is looking to feature as many pictures of foreigners as possible in its marketing collatoral.

We're particularly interested in hearing from handsome Asians who can stand infront a whiteboards and old black ladies with warm smiles.

Chinese applicants must provide their own lab coats and test-tubes.

NOTE: This post was tentatively entitled "Make the Nigger Bigger"

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Creative Directors of your Dreams that Quickly Turn into Nightmares # 1

NAME: Miles Davis

GOOD POINTS: Inspirational. Iconoclastic. Cool as fuck.

BAD POINTS: Difficult to follow. Always blowing his own trumpet.

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

The Play's the Thingy

Went to watch this at the weekend (does one "watch" a play or "see" a play?)

Anyway, like most theatre it was all right. Ok. A nice change.
I don't go to the theatre all that often because I mostly find it embarassing watching people trying to pretend in public. Particularly young people, who tend to shout a lot more and are more pretentious. Older actors tend to have a bit more dignity (just as most old people do) so that isn't quite as painful to witness, as long as you're use to seeing your dad drunk from time to time. More interesting was watching the kinds of people who go to the theatre. This play's audience was mostly Independent readers and the infirm. The play itself was (like most plays) a little bit wonky, which no one ever admits due the pre-conception that theatre is a really clever thing to be doing, so god forbid you should point out how silly it is.

I'd recommend this play anyone who likes Derek Griffiths just for the fun you'll have trying to stop yourself shouting "Chockablock" at him.

Friday, 4 September 2009

Try not to blush

Here's DDB Brazil's shitstorm inducing ad for WWF - the one EVERYONE'S talking about like a lab of heamorrhaging apes.

But what's really so controversial about it?

I don't mind they fudged the TV version together in time for Cannes. And I don't mind that it didn't really actually ever run properly. In fact, I thought the art direction on the press ad was excellent.

No, the reason this is controversial is because (da-dada-da-da-da-daaa!)it's just really, really fucking dumb and pretentious.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Planning Masterclass

Whatever the strategy, whatever your market, always ask yourself: is your brand like a vole?

- Is your brand soft and appealing to most people?
- Is your brand fast and nimble and makes people jump when they see it?
- Is your brand different enough from mice and rats to survive in the overcrowded rodent market?
- Does your brand have teeth and claws?
- Does your brand have excellent hearing to listen to its audience?
- Does your brand have a tail?

Why brands are like olives.
Why brands are like cloaks.
Why brands are like dulcimers.
Why brands are like sausages.
Why brands are like metaphors.

Content Flavoured Dichotomy

As all of you will have noticed, I'm an expert on pretty much everything. Especially this marketing/advertising/design lark/spree/gubbins. So whenever I open my wise old gob, pundits and academics alike put down their iphones, pick up their history-writing pens, push their glasses to the top of their noses, gather their colleagues, friends, pets and family around, and prepare to take note (in longhand).

This one's for you lot ok, so listen up.

It strikes me that the main reason that TV is so shit and horrible is that, because of its very nature, TV makes banal, everyday things appear exceptional. Subsequently, whenever TV does deal with exceptional things, they appear banal. Nowadays though, it also feels like the opposite is true of the internet: the internet makes exceptional things seem really fucking banal. I'm not sure if this is because content is limited by the form of internet, or its simply being lost/diluted in the epic data-smog of Web 2.0...

I'll just check my web-stats and see how lost all this actually is. Maybe there should be a "quality" rating on Google Analytics.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Can I Have a Job Please?

I love writing. Really, really love it. More than sweets, art, and blowjobs. So, when I don't write I get really tetchy and chippy. Like a junky without any smack.

The work I've been doing recently isn't intrinsically awful, or even has anything explicitly bad about it. It's just that the kind of writing involved is very much the methodone of copywriting, and (unfortunately) I'm used to doing much stronger stuff. More to the point, I'm not ready to give up and I don't want to give up my habit. Methodone might be keeping me off the streets but it's not helping my writing any.

If anyone has any full-time writing opportunities where I can sit injecting briefs into my eyes all day, maybe with a designer or an art director to help me along (that'd be great), then please do get in touch.

CVs/examples on request.

Friday, 28 August 2009

Poll Results

Aww, I love you guys. But how did you all guess?

10 Letters to The Drum

1. Dear Drum, Please do another one of your thrilling, and revealing surveys at the bottom of your website that no-one ever notices or bothers to participate in - like "Is advertising standing up or sitting down?" or "Is Edinburgh more suggestible than Hull?"

2. Dear Drum, That Agency Agony Uncle bloke seems a bit of a dick. Is it meant to be a joke? Surely. It's a joke, right. I mean, he's a knob isn't he. And what he says is dead obvious. But you know that, don't you. Don't you?

3. Dear Drum, Stop taking everything SO fucking seriously.

4. Dear Drum, Is there a reason your website doesn't work a lot of the time?

5. Dear Drum, I saw a cracking advert on Sky last night and thought you might like to hear about it.

6. Dear Drum, On behalf of all the obscure regional PR agencies in the country, we're feeling particularly under-represented by your magazine of late. Did you know that obscure regional PR agencies are responible for some of the most subtle, and invisible work in the world.

7. Dear Drum, You've never heard of me but I've just got a job somewhere you might have heard of, and wondered if you'd like to do a double-page spread on me?

8. Dear Drum, What the fuck is "social networking"? I work at Amaze and no-one here can tell me without going red in the face and getting an erection.

9. Dear Drum, I'm the boss of DFS. What a great help your publication has been in helping me to choose which shit and unstable Yorkshire agency to destroy next.

10. Hi Drum, McCanns here. I've got another bollocks theory about Twitter and that. The usual fee?

What's the Story Billy Fury?

Here's some proper music. Dedicated to all the people who have to listen to Oasis at work.

UPDATE: I thought the erstwhile MR. VLS would help explain.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

I Heart Excel

As a writer I get enormous pleasure from using Excel.

I especially like the columns which can be used for writing in the organising information writer's use, like "Title".

And the way you can use the rows to write in any writing you may plan to do under those headings is especially helpful.

Once you've mapped out the two variables of your writing - for example, the "Title" and the "Subject" you can then use further columns to explore your work in more detail. Planning really is of the essence in writing. So being able to say how many words you intend to use, when you intend to complete a piece of writing, what themes one piece of writing may contain and how they might relate to any other pieces of writing you're planning in your Excel document, is something I find extremely beneficial to my work. To the extent that I don't know how I'd previously managed to do any writing before I was introduced to Excel. It's very easy for writers to think they have a clear understanding of a project - how many pages something is, what it's about. But having Excel there to keep you on target is a godsend.

So before you ever write anything ever again, however simple, obvious, tedious, or self-explanatory, take apart every single element of what you're GOING to do and map it out using my friend Excel. Even if the deadline is looming and you haven't even started writing anything yet, GO BACK TO EXCEL AND MAP IT OUT. It may take precious time. And it may feel like a futile, number-crunching displacement activity. But it gets results. Results that can be measured, scrutinsed, and regurgitated by other human beings who you may wish to gawp listlessly over your working process like a bored voyeur.

Just imagine if -for example- James Joyce- had had Excel when he wrote Ulysses. We'd be able see (in hindsight) how his masterpiece was actually a total fucking failure of planning and process. And who wouldn't want to pop that particular bubble?

By mediating and reducing everything in our lives through Excel, we can vividly see the sprawling insect horror of our pitiful lives day by day.

So the only question left is: Shall I save it on the network?

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

XXX Hardcore Surface Porn

Urgh. I've been trying to get my hands on this filth for a while.

Here's Microsoft's full-on post-iPhone XXX surface-frotting clusterfuck in all it's sweaty-palmed glory. And I can tell you it is absolutely disgusting.

Don't just expect to be able to smear profanities all over your boss' desk by 2019, also expect the sales of Handy Wipes and anti-bacterial surfactants to go through the fucking roof.

Now's the time to invest in bleach, people. You heard it here first.

Monday, 24 August 2009


Before CGI, motion graphics and green screens, films only had lasers to make them exciting. After that (1986ish) we had the two Michaels, Douglas and J Fox.

But lasers did some great work back in the 1980's, from light sabres to proton packs to swirling vortices of supernatural evil like the spooks in Poltergeist and Raiders of the Lost Ark, not to mention a decade's worth of dodgy VHS sci-fi/horror movies. 'Cos lasers were pretty nasty back then. Lasers meant unearthly power, cataclysmic terror and your soul being sucked out your skull by a monster. Like this.

Nowadays though, poor old lasers just mean a load of old bollocks.

Talk Talk for Brighter Phone & Broadband

Back in my day you'd've only seen this kind of shit shooting out of a demon's cock in a John Carpenter film.

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Bland Values

Whenever we talk about Content Flavoured Trousers, it is important we establish a consistent use of language that delivers our brand messages and values across the various channels. We call this our "tone of voice."

So whenever we talk to our audiences, the tone of voice for Content Flavoured Trousers will be:

Authoratarian (as opposed to authoritative)

Friday, 21 August 2009

10 Myths About Advertising

1. Actually, it's all true. ALL OF IT. Even the bits you don't believe.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Blogs Of Your Nightmares #1

NAME: Content Flavoured Trousers

GOOD POINTS: Is self-deprecating.

BAD POINTS: Jokes getting thin.

(Sorry everyone. It's not my fault. I've been working with a bloke who is THE spitting image of H.P Lovecraft - seriously! It's uncanny. And absurd. Which is what started all this nightmares stuff.)

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Art Directors Of Your Nightmares #1

NAME: Shelley Long

GOOD POINTS: Warm, affable, understanding.

BAD POINTS: Never remember her name. Hasn't done good work since 1985. Is an actress.

Friday, 14 August 2009

How Can I Make A Claim That Bold And Specific?

I have seen the greatest website in the entire world.

But how can I say that?

Well, read on and find out.

Because we all want to see the best website in the world.

But finding it can be an uphill struggle.

Clicking through links and reading through lists puts people off.

Unless they think they're getting somewhere.

Which is why my blog-post will tell you exactly where the best website in the world is.

It's not a secret.

The best website in the world is available to everybody.

Through my blogpost you and your friends, family, even your pets can benefit from the knowledge of the best website in the world.

You see, years of using the internet has left me jaded and unsatisfied.

But after following my own specially formulated link-clicking techniques, I discovered that the best website in the entire world, was right at my finger tips after all.

So are you ready to experience the best website in the world?

Are you ready to learn the ways of my specially-formulated link-clicking techniques?

Then prepare to be amazed. Your life will never be the same again.

Since discovering my own specially formulating link-clicking techniques, I've enjoyed the best website in the world time after time after time.

After reading this blogpost you too can enjoy the incredible, astonishing, BEST website in the world in your own home and at your leisure.

My technique is simple.

It isn't a myth.

Other link-clicking techniques do not work.

Stumble-Upon doesn't work.

You Tube doesn't work.

Following blind links and pop-up ads are part of the world wide web conspiracy to keep you away from the best website in the world.

Only with my specially formulated link-clicking technique can you unlock the path to the ultimate website in the world, and be the envy of your peers.

To learn all about my specially formulated link-clicking technique, and to get an get an introduction to the best website in the entire world, just follow this specially formulated link.

Don't Shit Where You Eat

Looking for a new Twitter feed to follow? Of course you are!

Then why not check out Ewan Veitch, the managing director of TBWA G1 Paris. Because it's intelligent, insightful, open-minded men like Ewan that have made TBWA the network it is today. So look out clients of TBWA/Manchester... because heeerre comes Ewan!

I reckon after everything TBWA/Manc's been through recently, a bit of support from a preening, xenephobic gobshite, pouting into his profile-picture like a teenage girl is just what they need to rally the troops and get 'em through the worst of it.

Can't wait for them to send him to TBWA/Johannesburg.

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Please Vote For Me

Everybody's favourite and most morbidly fascinating trade-mag The Drum are compiling their "Power 100" of the most influential (and morbidly fascinating) people in marketing. London doesn't count (theirs is called The Saxophone or something gay) which means ANY of us are in with a chance of getting in.


Go on. It'll be a laugh. Reasons for nominating me could be (for example) "John writes an obscure blog which very occasionally makes me smile thinly, which is as near to fun as I get in my obscure marketing career which I'm compelled to take absurdly seriously by reading The Drum."

Or heck, why not invent your own reasons!? Some of you might even have obscure creative careers in marketing, so I'm sure you lot can all go fucking mental with this kind of shit.

See you at The Hilton or somewhere no doubt (it's usually there). Cheers guys.

Vote your tits off for me here please.

Anti-Social Networking

Ok, not a very original title for a post BUT...

I've just seen a gang of lads having a bit of banter with a particularly attractive young lady touting for the RSPCA in the middle of town.

Further up the road I spotted a delightfully freakish performance at the baked potato van off Market St. when one of the women behind the counter opened her gob and had a really fucking silly voice that made the whole scene feel like some weird man-size Punch & Judy show.

Is there anybody out there using Twitter to organise ogling (or gang rape?) yet? ("@Psutlciffe: big tits outside Boots 2mins ago"). Or to be no less voyeuristic but slightly more philanthropic, to divert the public away from lunatics? ("@Whitecoat: God botherer gone fucking schizo in Ox. Rd. MaccyD's 10 mins ago").

I'm surprised Heat Magazine or papparazzi don't use it to stalk soap stars.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

Creative Directors Of Your Nightmares #5

NAME: David Copperfield

GOOD POINTS: Really good at experiential stuff

BAD POINTS: Is a sneaky prick

The Dream Life Of Me and Dre

What do you do when you work at a donkey sanctuary and need those little cultural pick-me-ups throughout the day, just to get you to 5pm and away from the crack-pipe?

Well firstly, you can re-read the novels of your favourite, most inspiring authors. I've been hammering Nathanael West again (hence the title of this post).

Secondly, you can watch Michael Mann's forgotten, not-available-on-DVD horror film The Keep, which some helpful scallaywag has uploaded on to You Tube in tasty 10minute portions. Evidently there's been some re-emerging interest in this film lately so I was intrigued to see what the fuss was about. When I say it's been "forgotten" though, I mean like an abuse memory. Sections of this ring some particularly nasty VHS bells for me, and they're all in the key of 1985.

So you'll all be glad to know that between West and You Tube I'm still keeping up my daily intake of satire and Nazis (and that's just for breakfast).

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

For Fucking Fuscksake

Fuck off!! I'm just bored now. And very tired.

Friday, 7 August 2009

Things you never knew about me

Did I ever tell you about my days as a model?

I was at university and was spotted by an agent in Leeds city centre.

"You've got the right posture, bone structure - everything! Your a natural," she said.

"Really?" I smirked, disbelievingly.

"Seriously. Young men like you can make a lot of money in modelling".

"Yeah, right," I said naively. (Which was why I was at university).

I took some convincing, but eventually I took the woman seriously. Deadly seriously.

For this was no ordinary modelling job. There were no shoes or pouting or edgy hairstyles in this kind of modelling, oh no. For this was a job modelling spiders - wild, rare, exotic, dangerous kinds of spiders. The kind that can kill you with a blink of their 8 poisonous eye-lids, or but a shifty squeeze of their bulbous palpy fang sacs (which they have 2 of).

And so there I was, between the years 1998 and 1999, touring the zoos and veterinary colleges of Russia, standing before delegates and experts with a black widow on my chin, or a brown fiddleback on my hair, whilst they took photographs and pointed and nodded and generally seemed to agree on things.

The motivation for this (since I know you're dying to ask) was a piece of government funded research they were compiling entitled The Encyclopedia of Suffering . It was hoped to be the Russian Kinsey Report, but sadly the money fell through. They wanted to have mobile phones instead and spent it all on satellites and transmitters.

I still reminisce about those days.

Funny isn't it how - even back then- it was obvious to someone that I seemed to know all about suffering.

If only they could see me know, eh.

10 Things You See In The City Before Breakfast

1. A man putting his tie on in a car-park

2. Three work-men sleeping in a van

3. A man in sportswear, limping up the street

4. A woman at a cashpoint with four bags of shopping and a coffee

5. Pigeons!

6. Business women (it's always women) dashing along with a wheelie suitcase

7. Wild people (various)

8. Security guard having a fag

9. Young man in office attire wearing Aviators (irrespective of weather)

10. Some blood or sick (depending on your way in)

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Dear Mojo Magazine...

Isn't it about time you featured The Beatles on your front cover again?

As you well know, "popular music" serves 3 distinct markets:

1. Girls at college/university
2. Men who'd like to fuck girls at college/university
3. Men crippled by longing (for their past fucking girls at college/university)

Since your publication falls clearly into category number 3, is it not your duty to constantly re-visit, re-appraise, re-assess the same material endlessly, listlessly, constantly, regularly?

Chronic nostalgia is a debilitating condition that needs round the clock care. Captain. Beefheart, Nick Drake, Neil Young, even Pink Floyd are all marginal figures compared to The Beatles. Young and Floyd are still going for fucksake! They are therefore unsuitable subjects for your magazine.

As future reference for your editor I provide the followig guide:

Just ask yourself "Did (eg.) Robert Wyatt ever get anybody laid?" If the answer is no, please don't include them in your magazine.

Actually, can we just do The Beatles every month from now on? You can review those Grateful Dead boxsets at the back if you like, but lets have some more stuff about the Fab Four. Come on! What EXACTLY was Yoko Ono's influence on The White Album? Tell us!

We need to know EXACTLY in case a woman ever asks us.

Creative Directors Of Your Nightmares # 4

NAME: Sexy Fetish Lady

GOOD POINTS: VERY firm but fair. Inspirational

BAD POINTS: Really into SEO. Squeaks when she moves

Damn Hippies

Here's a rather oddly titled article from Tsk Tsk Magazine or whatever it's called.

I'll summarise it here for you of you like (I'm nice that way), as it's not half as interesting as it thinks it is. Basically, it's the author paraphrasing an audio-book he listened to (which says it all really) about the concept of "free" in the modern gee fuck me kids! digi-global economy. It's essentially Americans trying to rationalise FREE! things like Google and Skype because superficially these things fly in the face of their beloved military industrial complex. The article ends with some mushy, vague allusions to changing business models and how capitalism is just sooooo yesterday!

There's quite a few (proper - not audio!) books been written about hippies and their infatuation with "freedom", including the spectacular novels of my friend Mr. Pynchon. Clever people (ie. academics, as opposed to journalists) will tell you how the tragedy of the 1960s cultural "revolution" was that it failed to achieve all of the things it set out to do. (Don't believe me? Then, listen to Paul McCartney's last album). Americans in particular have fetishised the idea of "freedom" since they're the ones who shit on all the time about changing the world and never actually do it. Americans talk about freedom like a maudlin drunk, slurring weepily at the end of the party when everyone else went home hours ago because they've got proper jobs to do in the morning. Which is precisely the tone of that article.

Duh! But of course business models have to bloody change! Not because we've been liberated, but because people prefer tits and pop-songs to hard work. Getting people to do anything these days means bribing them with a bit of free stuff. This new economy based around data and FaceWank applications just means we've harnessed all of our base, prurient instincts and found a way to turn them to our advantage. Sadly, the price of all this free, empowering data at our fingertips is the precious time I've lost checking my email every five fucking minutes, and blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging blogging like a slave.

Yeah, I can't wait to be totally free when a robot wanks me off and feeds me a pie every time I download a Lady Ga Ga single directly to my brain.

Creative Directors of Your Nightmares # 3

NAME: Barry Norman

GOOD POINTS: Happy to offer autonomy. Makes you justify your work

BAD POINTS: Farts in client meetings

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Creative Directors of Your Nightmares #2

NAME: Kate Moss

GOOD POINTS: Loves booze and coke!

BAD POINTS: Loves booze and coke! Might have AIDS