10 Letters to The Drum

1. Dear Drum, Please do another one of your thrilling, and revealing surveys at the bottom of your website that no-one ever notices or bothers to participate in - like "Is advertising standing up or sitting down?" or "Is Edinburgh more suggestible than Hull?"

2. Dear Drum, That Agency Agony Uncle bloke seems a bit of a dick. Is it meant to be a joke? Surely. It's a joke, right. I mean, he's a knob isn't he. And what he says is dead obvious. But you know that, don't you. Don't you?

3. Dear Drum, Stop taking everything SO fucking seriously.

4. Dear Drum, Is there a reason your website doesn't work a lot of the time?

5. Dear Drum, I saw a cracking advert on Sky last night and thought you might like to hear about it.

6. Dear Drum, On behalf of all the obscure regional PR agencies in the country, we're feeling particularly under-represented by your magazine of late. Did you know that obscure regional PR agencies are responible for some of the most subtle, and invisible work in the world.

7. Dear Drum, You've never heard of me but I've just got a job somewhere you might have heard of, and wondered if you'd like to do a double-page spread on me?

8. Dear Drum, What the fuck is "social networking"? I work at Amaze and no-one here can tell me without going red in the face and getting an erection.

9. Dear Drum, I'm the boss of DFS. What a great help your publication has been in helping me to choose which shit and unstable Yorkshire agency to destroy next.

10. Hi Drum, McCanns here. I've got another bollocks theory about Twitter and that. The usual fee?