Friday, 28 May 2010

10 imaginary death metal bands

1. Animal Hospital

2. Shit Fuck

3. Fucked By Rats

4. Cannibal Cock

5. Trowel

6. Catfucker

7. Tetra Pak

8. Hollowcaust

9. Crippleback

10. Limited Abyss

Thursday, 27 May 2010

10 Cat Facts

1. Cats don't like no trouble

2. Cats are chemically gay

3. Cats can't laugh

4. Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote Cats after hearing a tune that reminded him of his dog, but did the opposite (a cat) trying to be a smartarse

5. A cat's catalogue is called a "ghsid" in "Pojwr" (which is the most common cat language)

6. Cats are pro-Europe

7. Cats have no regrets

8. Cats love stabbings

9. The first cat on DVD was a Siamese cat called Ximeong, which means "Blackie" in Chinese

10. Cats can't see ships

Is there a "things-with-one-eye-and-an-English-name" meme?

Here are the official 2012 Olympic mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville.

And here's my own mascot design, "Stilton", from 18 months ago.

They ripped part of it off though, didn't they?

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

My New Craze Will Sweep The Ruddy Internet. Agree/Disagree/Discuss

I call it the MeatFro.

You can use any meat or person you like. I've used Fearne Cotton and beef sausages here, but you could use Lulu, Ernest Hemingway, braising steak, lardons or anything. There are no rules. Just 100% celebrity, and 100% meat.

Oi, Robocop. Lend us a pencil, will ya?

So after yeserday's little rant-ette about the de-humanising effect of technology I've just walked into a real-life example that (you'll be relieved to know) actually relates to advertising. It goes something like this:

I needed an art director to create an image of a bear wearing a mask. (I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say, it's gonna be fucking genius - awards, champagne, wine, women, wealth, slaves, horses, the lot!) Anyway, I'd presented the intial concept as a simple (VERY simple) drawing of a stick-bear with a bit of elastic round his head and a mask perched over his face. Admittedly, this did look like the result of a mental illness, but in the context of an ad agency it was easy, clear, and obvious. Piece. Of. Piss. But now, 24 hours, 1 Mac and an art director "working it up" in Photofuckabout 9 later, I can't even tell what's bear, what's mask, or what the hell I'm even looking at.

"Could we not just do it in illustration?" I said.
"Nah, it's not right," I'm told. Stubbornly.

Now, I don't want to diss the talents of moody Mr. Art Director (he'll crack it in the end) but it occurred to me that this ability of his to transform a hiccup-simple concept into a mind-raping visual cocktail surely stems from a kind of over-dependence on the technology at his disposal. So his Mac, rather than liberating the creative process, now seems to do the opposite.

See, once upon a time, Mr. Art Director would've used his pencils, his markers and his own FUCKING JUDGEMENT to visualise a concept. Nowadays though, he can sit for days kerning at an atomic level, absorbed, lost, glued, obsessed and (sadly) crippled by the sheer choice of effects and tools available to him. And that (ultimately) is de-humanising. He's been tricked into thinking the Mac is cleverer, than him - that technology is the only answer.


It reminded me of the story of NASA spending millions of dollars developing a biro that would work in zero-gravity, whilst Russian astronauts just used a pencil. Or people who use pelican crossings when there's no traffic...

So I wonder how much worse off we'd actually be without Macs then? Without being limited by what stock images we can find. Without the endless list of imperceptible tweaks and amends. Without dicking around right up to the last minute.

Hmm, I wonder...

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Feng Shui nightmare

Christ my life is awful. Can you believe that every day I have to walk into a room and pull up my own chair. And to make matters worse, the chair is always in the same place. What a fucking cheek!

Thank God then thatthis man came along though, right?

Er, no. In a bold typeface. Stamped on the concrete I've buried him in.

Whilst an exhibition of "dynamic furniture" is pretty typical of the sort of superficially groundbreaking horseshit that PSFK pedals (seemingly) around the clock, it's also a perfect example of the fundamentally incorrect, dim-witted, and -well- crap human thinking PSKF unwittingly and passively promotes. Don't get me wrong. I love new shit. I like breaking moulds (preferably with fists) as much as the next man. But come on. Furniture that "reconfigures" itself depending on how I want to use the room. How's that work then, knobhead? If it's like that talking paperclip in Word ("Hey, it looks like you're pacing nervously") it'd spend more time switched off than it would doing anyone any favours.

Why do we seem to love creating technology that tries to second-guess us - that patronises and dehumanises us? And why is PSFK so indiscriminate about the mindless shit it promotes?

Oh, I know. Because it uses a computer to source its news, rather than journalists who tend to have an objective point of view.

Anyway, I'm off to put a diesel engine on my pen to see how it affects my writing.

See you in the future, hippies! Last one to there's a bender.

Michael, I'm SO sorry..

Hey Michael, listen. It's Bono here. Look. I've got some bad news. We're gonna have to pull out of Glastonbury this year. How come? Oh, it's terrible. I've, er... It's um... my back!

No, honestly. Seriously mate, I'm in fuckin' agony. I can't take my sunglasses off.

I know, I know, we're all er... disappointed. It would've been amazing. Because we'd er... written a song...

What? Oh of course, yeah - it was a special new song. Just for Glastonbury. And er... God was gonna be there too. So I had to tell him first you know, before I told I you. And God was like, "Shit man, I'm so sorry. I was so looking forward to it. You know, I'd booked the hotel and everything. But I guess if you're sick man, then shit - "

What? Is there nothing God can do? No. I don't think so, Michael.

Good bye now.

UPDATE: Just heard a bit more news about this. Seems Bono went in hospital for some kind of immaculate conception and they spazzed up his epidural or something. What a nightmare!

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Become A Content Flavoured Blogger and Get Your Work Seen by Arabs and Perverts

All systems go here at Content Flavoured Towers, so our little blogcasts have taken a bit of a back seat this last week.

So to keep things moving along nice and sexy like, we're asking YOU (yeah YOU!) the human viewer to be a guest blogger just for a few days or whatever.

Here's what to do.

Write something in the comments section below.

It's that simple.

Just remember that most of our traffic is from Iran and people searching for "trousers porn".

Over to yous.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Diff'rent Cunts

I wanted to make a video that celebrated our new government, but I'm on holiday this week so I'll just have to explain it to you.

Basically, it's a frame-by-frame remake of the title sequence of "Diff'rent Strokes" but featuring the leaders of our new parliament. Picture it: David Cameron drives round some shithole in his limo and spots two well-meaning, hard-working politicians (Clegg and whathisface)playing basketball. Cameron opens the door (in a cloud of cigar smoke and fox blood) and invites the young scamps to join him. Naturally (as members of a minority) they double-take, can't believe their eyes and all that - "Who, sir? Me sir? You must be crazy motherfucker!" - mugging the audience with mock surprise, until finally (and inevitably) they climb inside Dave's limo where they immediately make themselves at home, bouncing on the leather and sticking their heads out the sun-roof like a pair of dickheads. Meanwhile, the theme tune plays over the top with the word "Strokes" changed to "Cunts". Obviously, the idea is to seem inclusive, open-minded and kinda cute initially, with a view to becoming patronising, cynical and deeply sinister over time. Rather like this:

But for now... "The world don't move to the beat of just one drum.... It takes, diff'rent cunts to rule the... diff'rent cunts to rule the worrrld" (yes, it does!)

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Advertising Feature

Ladies. Are you fat, frumpy, and faded? Then insert a bit of sparkle into your life with... Gok's Fashion Fist!

Join TV homosexualist Gok Wan as he travels the length and breadth of the country, performing extreme gay sex-acts on British housewives with low self-esteem.

"I was gobsmacked," says Judith from Stockport. "Being anally penetrated by a gay man on television has given me back the confidence I yearned for. Thanks to Gok, I'm now back at school doing a physiotherapy course one night a week."

"After 20 years of marrige to a cruel lorry driver from Hull," says Karen, "my body image and dress sense had taken something of a downturn. But being feltched and violated by Gok and 3 of his black friends on a catwalk in the Trafford Centre has lifted my spirits, and compelled me to try out new hairstlyes."

"Four hours a week on the end of studded leather gauntlet, and I've already dropped a dress-size! Thank you Gok!"

Gok's Fashion Fist, 8pm, Wednesdays, C4

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Hello i am ann art directer

Hi my name is dano and im an award wining art doirector. i neeed a copyrigter to right sum lines for my new ad campain for Solvite wallpapper paste. It lucks like this.

Im trying to expres how easy the Solvite fgoes on by usingf these flowing of line, and peeple being stook on the walls showing the strenght and personallity of the Solvite.

I know this is a winnin concept but it just neds that just right line to bring it to life like the icing on the sugar.

ANy copyrighters reading this plesae gt in touch as words arent my srong point.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

10 Gods of Advertising

1. Bollox, god of planning

2. Macchus, god of art work

3. Adobe, god of design

4. Hora, goddess of account handling

5. Pokemon, god of digital

6. Qwertyuiopteryx, Winged god of copy

7. Pamphletes, god of DM

8. Fucksakes, god of amends

9. Unnerva, goddess of pitches

10. Anus, god of clients