Advertising Feature

Why Not Become a Freelance Copywriter?

Welcome to the Copywriters Bureau - the home study course that helps you get briefs.

As a freelance copywriter you can earn money writing the shelf-wobblers, spam emails, catalogues, and small print that designers can't be trusted with. Earning your share can be frustrating, erratic and financially crippling.

To help you succeed we offer you:

A first-class home-study copywriting course written by another freelance copywriter
Expert personal guidance on going overdrawn
Advice on chasing invoices
Guidance on HOW TO SELL YOUR WRITING to people who probably won't read it anyway
Full refund guarantee if not successful (which you won't be)
7 year trial

Success Stories

Albert Cortisone, Shittocks Fob, Dorset

I've always enjoyed the many advertisements I see around me since my wife died. So writing my very own seemed like a happy thing to do. All of my hats go off to the Copywriters Bureau who gave me the courage to find the correct tone of voice for our village website, and for the £125 the parish council paid me out of court.







Paella Foreskin, Crisis Upon Avon, Warwicstershire

I'd never heard of copywriting before. I thought it was something to do with the law, or a slang term for a sexual assault. But only the other week I got a call from a recruitment agent who said they could get me £65 for copywriting a radio advert for a car dealership. Natually, I said yes. That was a fortnight ago, so watch this space!





Hordak Monroe, Blacktwat, North Yorkshire

Thanks to the tenacity of the Copywriters Bureau, the money I've earned from copywriting in the last 6 years wouldn't pay for a rat's funeral. My wife's just left me, and I've now resorted to dancing topless behind the Truck Stop just to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I did manage to get my book in at McCanns 2 years ago - something which could never have happened before my fruitless obsession with advertising began, and my involvement with the Copywriters Bureau.

Vote Now! The Drum's Penis 100 2009

After months of examinations, The Drum's mission to compile the definitive list of the 100 biggest penises in marketing is almost at a (bell)end.

Rank the wankers below and determine the five biggest ball-tickling, willy-waving cocks in all of Marketingdom.

1. Tony Breakfastshire, Chief Exec. Dredge Digital: He might be fat and bald but look out ladies... Tony builds government microsites for a living and drives a bright yellow Lotus! He also happens to be a good 7inches when fully aroused. Turn-ons for him this year included doing a talk about Twitter to some civil servants and his beloved Leeds Rhinos - both of which made him spunk like a soapy drain.

2. Nicholas De Pigeon, Creative Director Brands R Us: You wouldn't normally associate the world of direct marketing with genital piercing, but 48 year old Nicholas De Pigeon proves the exception to the rule. A bad-tempered homosexual, it's this results-driven approach that has seen Nicholas maintain an 8 week erection over the acquisition of a poxy client from a shit rival agency. Incumbents, Medi@It waved good bye to "Nan's Dog Meats" in September and Nick's been pulling the head off it ever since.

3. Edwyn Bagg, chief executive Papilloma Group: There's only one thing Edwyn Bagg loves more than highly targeted response-driven B2B campaigns. And that's the sight of his own manhood reflecting in his Blackberry under the table during client meetings. After a minor success at a regional awards ceremony this year, Eddie demanded rough, drunken sex with his PA, Jaime, who he enjoyed strangling with his clip-on pony-tail. Is Bagg a preening bully? Definately. Does he do some nice brochure work? Occasionally.

4. Glen Pleb, creative director The Fifth Reich: As creative director of one of the most high profile agencies outside London, Glen loves nothing more than pulling his trousers down and telling graduates he hates their work. Squeaky voiced misfit Pleb can usually be found swinging his ginger dick around awards ceremonies, regaling all who can cope with him with tales of his unwavering creative prowess and great big hairy bollocks.

5. Nimrod Stool, chief executive Insolence PR: One of the most prevalent, if not unavoidable, penises in the industry, Nimrod regularly pokes his dick into the pages of the trade press spurting out sterile Twitter and Facebook flavoured cum all over his reader's faces. Heaving his deformed balls round awards ceremonies and dinners, Nimrod is regularly photographed grinning like a priapic ape in a tuxedo, pumping out sticky self-importance and flicking it at guests.

10 Tradesmen's Van Slogans for Writers

1. Amis & Son - Comic and Contemporary British Fiction - Est. 1954

2. G. Greer - Feminist theory and criticism - Installation and service - Quotes available

3. J. Kerouac - Same-Day Monologue Service - Recitations on request

4. Dickens' Page-Turning Ltd. - Overnight parts delivery service

5. Philip K. Dick - No tools left in van overnight

6. Howard Phillips Lovecraft - Supernatural Fiction Consultant - By appointment only

7. D. Brown - Worldwide Express Bulk Fiction

8. Joyce's of Dublin - Purveyors of Fine High Modernism since 1914

9. Dostoyevsky - Hardcore Existential Foundations Ltd.

10. Bronte, Bronte & Bronte. - Romantic Moorland Surveys - North Yorks. area. Free estimates

Breaking News from The Drum: Goodfellas to Sponsor British Armed Forces

Pee Yar Correspondentalist: Judas Winstanley

The news broke with a grenade-like BANG! this morning that Goodfellas Pizza has struck a £70million sponsorship deal with British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan.

Goodfellas marketing executive Katie Gash told The Drum: "Our war heroes are an obvious sponsorship choice for us, aligning the Goodfellas brand with real life good fellas who are hungry for success and enjoy getting stuck into tasty foreign things."

The deal will intially see members of the 51st Batallion wearing the Goodfellas branding on their helmets and vests, with Goodfellas Pizza to become an official supplier to the armed forces. A new range of pizzas and toppings have been created to support the campaign:

Friendly Fire - Mild chilli, green pepper and onion
Camoflage - Mushroom, yellow pepper, spicey chicken, black olives
Tora Bora - Extra deep and hollow crust
Tali-Banquet - Spicy meatballs, pepperoni, ham, chicken, red peppers

A spokesman for the MOD said that the decision to go ahead with the sponsorship deal was not taken lightly. "A good many people may see this sort of thing as tasteless. But Goodfellas Pizza are well tasty. Just like our boys on the front." Revenue from the deal will be pumped back into the MOD to buy much needed bullets and sun cream.

An industry insider told The Drum that Goodfellas are already in talks with the British Legion with a view to sponsoring next year's remembrance service.

Short Story Competition

Do you like words and stories and occasional pictures? Then why in the hell don't you enter the first ever Content Flavoured Trousers short story comeptition?

How To Enter
Simply look at the picture below and write a story about it! Use as much of your imagination as you can, and as many or as little words as you are capable of. I'd suggest using at least 1 character, although 3 or 4 or even 5 wouldn't be out of place.

Ready then?

Nice one.



Post your entries in the comments section. Winner gets a pot of jam and a grappling hook.

Creative Directors of your Nightmares # (lost count)

NAME: Scary Negro Puppet

GOOD POINTS: Is literally hands on.

BAD POINTS: A bit old fashioned. Will kill you in your dreams.

Another Brick in the Wall

Yip hip hip hoo-rah-ay! It's 20 years since the Berlin Wall fell over. Anyone still confused as to why they built it in the first place, should watch this.

See if you can spot an excited Adolf Hitler at the end... or is it a young David Bowie?