Thursday, 23 June 2011

It's Been a While

Finally, finally finally, after being SO busy these last few weeks, months, years, I've just popped down to the canine rescue centre to visit my favourite golden retriever and advertising enthusiast, Goldie.

Here's what she had to say for herself.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

How to get a job in Advertising: Part 3

Where were we?

Ah, yes. Lesson 3: There is Truth in Advertising.

So you should maybe think about doing something like this. That is, if you aren't already doing it. Unwittingly, I mean. Which you probably are. And if you're not, you soon will be. Ripping it off for your grad show I mean.

That's how good it is.

Enjoy.



You can read Part 2 here., and here's Part 1 look.

Monday, 20 June 2011

Advertising Feature

Hullo. I'm the Burger King's wife.

If you stare into my eyes for 5 minutes, I'll give you a free Whopper.

Stare at my buns for 5 minutes and I'll give you extra sauce.

Stare at my meaty flaps for 10minutes and I'll give you a dip in my boneless bucket.

Push my button handsome!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Happy Hour

So I'm really, really busy.

What do you think about that then?

Nothing, John. Nothing at all. We're not here to listen to you bragging.

But I'm not bragging.

You know what we mean. You smug fucking tittins.

What's a tittins? And who's we?

You know. We, we, we. Us lot. The three fucking people who bother to read all this shit.

Oh. The ones who never ever comment. Ever.

That's us.

How come?

How come what?

How come you never comment?

[.....]

I'm shy too you know...

Bollocks.

Seriously...

Well, we're not shy at all actually. We're just...er...busy...

Like me?

No. I mean, we - All of us, we're...um... Oh, let's talk about something else.

All right. Like what?

Like your usual...bloody.... things. Taking the piss out of the ads...

And the agencies!

Oh, hello. Who are you?

I was just behind him. Reading what was going on.

Who? Me?

Yeah. Sorry I didn't mean to startle you.

That's all right. I just wasn't expecting anybody else to be here. Least of all you.

Eh? But I'm always here. When I'm not busy.

Not you, tittins. Him! Him behind us. In the bold font.

Hello.

Yeah, hi. So, um... Listen, I was just saying how busy I've been.

So I believe.

Which is why I haven't been blogging as regularly. But I've been working with some really fine folks...

How many times!? We're not FUCKING INTERESTED!!

There's all sorts of exciting things in the pipeline...

Whoa, whoa whoa there, hang on a minute mate. Erm... I'm not all that interested in hearing this either actually. Not at all in fact.

You see? Now get back to your swearing. Go on.

But -

But no! Tittins. You be irreverent, lad. It's what we expect. We can get all this mealy-mouthed "Oooh, it's an interesting time for me and the industry" stuff on Ben Kay.

Faggots.

Precisely. And the last thing you want is people thinking you might actually be good at this stuff. Let alone fucking care about it.

Oh... Right. Ok. So I'll just draw Bertrum Thumbcat then... giving himself a handjob or something?

Perfect!

Friday, 10 June 2011

10 Things You Can't Do Without the Internet

1. Trigger political unrest at the flick of a Facebook.

2. Poke your own father

3. Email a man in Portsmouth

4. Stream footage of illegal fox hunt

5. Work at the BBC

6. Digitise a horse

7. Chat with online genitals

8. Enjoy your latest crazes

9. Go viral!

10. Write a blog post any longer than this

Friday, 3 June 2011

Advertising Feature

Whoa, whoa, whoa what the fuck is all this shit?

Putting old Maxie up on the internet?

I'm fucking Max Bygraves, I am.

Do I look like I'm for fucking sale?

Put *me* on the internet and I'll put you in a fucking hole, sunshine.

I'll fuck you a new hole, in fact.

Where I can fuck right into your soul.

Fuck it right up.

Cos I'm Max fucking Bygraves, yeah.

Good night!

Thursday, 2 June 2011

The Official BrandMaster Flash "Legends of Advertising" Play Mask No.2

NAME: Robert "Junior" Senior

SPECIAL POWER: Intense stare, A-Level General Studies

FAVOURITE FOOD: Little bananas

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Mercy

FAVOURITE THING: "There's nothing like the smell of Ralgex in the morning."

BRAND MASTER RATING: Somewhere between Colgate and Pedigree Chum