Tuesday 25 August 2015

How To Write For Radio

FX: BAGPIPES, DIAL TONE, FROGS, THAT SORT OF THING. 

MALE VOICE OVER – A BIT RESONANT YET ALSO REASSURING, BUT NOT THAT SEMI-SCOUSE BLOKE OFF THE SANTANDER ADS AND EVERYTHING ELSE AT THE MINUTE. OH AND DEFINITELY NOT SEAN PERTWEE. I CAN’T STAND HIS BREATHING.

MVO:
Balls. (Very deliberate pause) They catch your attention. Don’t they? (Make actor raise eyebrow, and quizzically pitch voice). Because saying balls (which must be unnaturally emphasized on the B), or any other single word on its own, will give those balls (with a capital B) gravitas (which will get changed to “stand out” by the client). No matter whose…. (no, don’t pronounce the ellipsis dickhead, it’s just to indicate rhythm) balls they are. 

SOARING SENTIMENTAL MUSIC FADES IN – PROBABLY ‘FINGAL’S CAVE’ OR AN UNLICENSED RIP-OFF.

MALE VOICE OVER – SHIFTS TONE TO PATRONISING FOR THE PRODUCT DESCRIPTION.

MVO:
If you’re thinking about balls, it’s time to stop whatever, and start something or other (opposites are fun and catchy! Say them with a smile). For as little as fourteen ninety-nine a month (typed out verbally so we can time the read- through) you can get free balls delivered absolutely free (confirm offer with client).  Just call us now on (confirm number with client) or visit us online at (confirm URL with client). That’s (repeat the number) or (repeat the URL).


MUSIC CUTS – CLUMSY SPLICE OF END OF SONG ON TO END OF AD.

Thursday 20 August 2015

Songologues #1

Madame, forgive me.
May I just say that I have never seen you, or anyone for that matter, looking quite so lovely as you did tonight.
Indeed, you might say I have never seen you shine so brightly, to coin a phrase? 

Ahem… 

But what a silly old fool you must think I am, what with so many… green eyes on you this evening…
So many men asking if you wanted to dance or, dare I say, looking for a little… Romance?
The devils…
Still. I – I shan’t keep you.
I simply wanted to compliment you.
It’s not often that a man like myself sees anything like that dress you’re wearing…
Or those, um… what are those called…?
Those highlights!
Yes, those highlights. 
The ones in your hair…
It’s almost as if they… 
They catch your eyes…
Really, I’ve been so… 
So blind, madame.
Or... should I say… 
Lady?
For you are… quite the lady, are you not.
My lady. 
In red…

Oh, how I can see us now…
Dancing….
Cheek to cheek…
Ho ho that’s the ticket!
That’s where I want to be….

Oh but please. Forgive me.
After all, I hardly know you…
Know any of this…
This... beauty…
By my side….

Anyway, I’m sorry.
It’s getting late.  
I just wanted you to know that I’ll never, ever forget…

The way you fuck – I MEAN LOOKED! tonight.

(Shit!)