Monday, 30 November 2009

A Sexual Fantasy Involving Cheryl Cole

Hi there everybody/one. As many of you will know, when I'm not writing award-winning transmedia marcomms collaterals and that, I like to write spontaneous sexual fantasies involving celebrity women.

Today's fantasy involves tear-stained Geordie trollop, Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy), who entered my mind in much the same I would like to enter her - ie. very suddenly.

CHERYL: Ooh, ooh, John, it's me, Cheryl. Can you hear me?

ME: Is that you Cheryl? Cheryl? WTF!? Where are you you?

CHERYL: I'm up here babe. In the air-conditioning pipe.

ME: Wha-? But -? Are you ok. Cheryl? Is everthing all right?

CHERYL: I'm fine darlin', but I'm completely naked.

ME: Naked? In the air condition pipe. Are you taking the piss?

CHERYL: No, honestly, John I'm serious.

ME: Don't mess me about you tart. How did you get up there?

CHERYL: I was drying me hair.

ME: A likely story.

CHERYL: Honestly. Please John, you've got to help me (she begins to sob) You've got to believe me.

ME: How do I know it's really you? I can't see your ID.

CHERYL: Erm... See that small inspection vent above you..? I'll poke me tit through it and sing you a Girls Aloud hit.

ME: Ok. Smashing. Cheers. (she starts to sing)

CHERYL: How's that for ye?

ME: To be honest, I can't really tell if it's you without the backing vocals. It's a gorgeous tit though.

CHERYL: Thanks babe. Dya want to see the other one?

ME: Aye.

CHERYL: Eee, fuckin' hell that's a bit tight...

ME: Don't struggle. I get the idea.

CHERYL: No, I want to show ye me other big tit.

ME: Cheryl, mate, it's fine. Honest. And anyway, I better be off now.

CHERYL: Oh, ok then. Well, don't let me keep ya or owt.

ME: Cheerio then. Hope you're not stuck too long.

CHERYL: Me neither. I'm randy as a fuckin' tramp now.

ME: Oh well, can't be helped I suppose. Bye bye then.

Quiz Time

Here's some wordy-puzzling fun for the visually impaired. Enjoy.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

10 Better Ways to Make a Living than Copywriting

1. Sucking off lepers for cough sweets

2. Scraping piss off bog seats with a razorblade

3. Farming sheep in Siberia

4. Being a really fat postman

5. Crocodile tester

6. Freelance flag ironer to the Queen

7. Nick Griffin's practice gollywog

8. Giving out The Metro on Sundays

9. Semi-pro blindfold jackal rapist (an illicit North African bloodsport)

10. Cleaning the cups at McCann's

A History of Ad Agency Websites: Module 1.0

Welcome to this introductory module entitled A Hitory of Ad Agency Websites. This course is designed to give an overview of the core theories, trends and motifs of this fascinating new area of study.

Critics may argue that the history of agency websites is simply the history of web design. However, even a cursory study of the subject reveals this simply not to be the case. Many agency websites are barely up-to-date, let alone cutting-edge. And it is here that academics have begun to thrive - within the ironic disparity between businesses which purport to be creative, dynamic and adept communicators, and their websites which are often clumsy, derivitive, and duller than an old nun's knees.

Ad agency websites fall roughly into 4 different categories. Crucially, these categories are not chronological or periodic. In some cases, certain creative elements (or motifs) have become so cliched and prevalent over time as to warrant their own category. Like here, our first example.

Category 1: Pens & Paper
Probably the most boring, obvious and overused creative idea in the entire history of agency webites, the pen/paper device is an attempt to illustrate HOW FUCKING CREATIVE PEOPLE WORK YEAH! short of setting fire to a tie and pissing on it. Early exponents of the pen/paper motif were AMV BBDO, whose old site featured an animated hand drawing things on post-it notes. Here, the pen or pencil represents a sort of " big ideas cock" with creativity spurting out the end. Leo Burnett also use a pen/spaffy handwriting motif to denote their creativity, whilst Iris are currently running some predictable hand-drawn-on-a-whiteboard animation to describe their advantages. Some cute, regional, and equally hackneyed examples of Pen & Paper mis-use can be seem here, here and here.

To be continued... [Next time - Category 2: Swirly Shit]

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

The Baby Seal's Tears are Shaped like the Sole

INTRUCTIONS FOR USE: Watch video. Laugh at observations. Cry at awful truth. Unsuitable for graduates and people allergic to Americans.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Brokeback Pudding

Matthew Walker Christmas Puddings? Never heard of 'em until I caught this beauty last night.

The best Xmas ad so far? Or the best portrayal of an awkward homosexual relationship since Brokeback Mountain? Either way, it brought a big fat smile to my misery-chops. Not sure whether it was the acting, or the fruity looking turtle-neck that did it.

Anyway, here's two senile old queers talking about puddings. Stuck in his chimney, indeed! Genius.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Advertising Feature

Why Not Become a Freelance Copywriter?

Welcome to the Copywriters Bureau - the home study course that helps you get briefs.

As a freelance copywriter you can earn money writing the shelf-wobblers, spam emails, catalogues, and small print that designers can't be trusted with. Earning your share can be frustrating, erratic and financially crippling.

To help you succeed we offer you:

A first-class home-study copywriting course written by another freelance copywriter
Expert personal guidance on going overdrawn
Advice on chasing invoices
Guidance on HOW TO SELL YOUR WRITING to people who probably won't read it anyway
Full refund guarantee if not successful (which you won't be)
7 year trial

Success Stories

Albert Cortisone, Shittocks Fob, Dorset

I've always enjoyed the many advertisements I see around me since my wife died. So writing my very own seemed like a happy thing to do. All of my hats go off to the Copywriters Bureau who gave me the courage to find the correct tone of voice for our village website, and for the £125 the parish council paid me out of court.

Paella Foreskin, Crisis Upon Avon, Warwicstershire

I'd never heard of copywriting before. I thought it was something to do with the law, or a slang term for a sexual assault. But only the other week I got a call from a recruitment agent who said they could get me £65 for copywriting a radio advert for a car dealership. Natually, I said yes. That was a fortnight ago, so watch this space!

Hordak Monroe, Blacktwat, North Yorkshire

Thanks to the tenacity of the Copywriters Bureau, the money I've earned from copywriting in the last 6 years wouldn't pay for a rat's funeral. My wife's just left me, and I've now resorted to dancing topless behind the Truck Stop just to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I did manage to get my book in at McCanns 2 years ago - something which could never have happened before my fruitless obsession with advertising began, and my involvement with the Copywriters Bureau.

Monday, 16 November 2009

Vote Now! The Drum's Penis 100 2009

After months of examinations, The Drum's mission to compile the definitive list of the 100 biggest penises in marketing is almost at a (bell)end.

Rank the wankers below and determine the five biggest ball-tickling, willy-waving cocks in all of Marketingdom.

1. Tony Breakfastshire, Chief Exec. Dredge Digital: He might be fat and bald but look out ladies... Tony builds government microsites for a living and drives a bright yellow Lotus! He also happens to be a good 7inches when fully aroused. Turn-ons for him this year included doing a talk about Twitter to some civil servants and his beloved Leeds Rhinos - both of which made him spunk like a soapy drain.

2. Nicholas De Pigeon, Creative Director Brands R Us: You wouldn't normally associate the world of direct marketing with genital piercing, but 48 year old Nicholas De Pigeon proves the exception to the rule. A bad-tempered homosexual, it's this results-driven approach that has seen Nicholas maintain an 8 week erection over the acquisition of a poxy client from a shit rival agency. Incumbents, Medi@It waved good bye to "Nan's Dog Meats" in September and Nick's been pulling the head off it ever since.

3. Edwyn Bagg, chief executive Papilloma Group: There's only one thing Edwyn Bagg loves more than highly targeted response-driven B2B campaigns. And that's the sight of his own manhood reflecting in his Blackberry under the table during client meetings. After a minor success at a regional awards ceremony this year, Eddie demanded rough, drunken sex with his PA, Jaime, who he enjoyed strangling with his clip-on pony-tail. Is Bagg a preening bully? Definately. Does he do some nice brochure work? Occasionally.

4. Glen Pleb, creative director The Fifth Reich: As creative director of one of the most high profile agencies outside London, Glen loves nothing more than pulling his trousers down and telling graduates he hates their work. Squeaky voiced misfit Pleb can usually be found swinging his ginger dick around awards ceremonies, regaling all who can cope with him with tales of his unwavering creative prowess and great big hairy bollocks.

5. Nimrod Stool, chief executive Insolence PR: One of the most prevalent, if not unavoidable, penises in the industry, Nimrod regularly pokes his dick into the pages of the trade press spurting out sterile Twitter and Facebook flavoured cum all over his reader's faces. Heaving his deformed balls round awards ceremonies and dinners, Nimrod is regularly photographed grinning like a priapic ape in a tuxedo, pumping out sticky self-importance and flicking it at guests.

Friday, 13 November 2009

10 Tradesmen's Van Slogans for Writers

1. Amis & Son - Comic and Contemporary British Fiction - Est. 1954

2. G. Greer - Feminist theory and criticism - Installation and service - Quotes available

3. J. Kerouac - Same-Day Monologue Service - Recitations on request

4. Dickens' Page-Turning Ltd. - Overnight parts delivery service

5. Philip K. Dick - No tools left in van overnight

6. Howard Phillips Lovecraft - Supernatural Fiction Consultant - By appointment only

7. D. Brown - Worldwide Express Bulk Fiction

8. Joyce's of Dublin - Purveyors of Fine High Modernism since 1914

9. Dostoyevsky - Hardcore Existential Foundations Ltd.

10. Bronte, Bronte & Bronte. - Romantic Moorland Surveys - North Yorks. area. Free estimates

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Breaking News from The Drum: Goodfellas to Sponsor British Armed Forces

Pee Yar Correspondentalist: Judas Winstanley

The news broke with a grenade-like BANG! this morning that Goodfellas Pizza has struck a £70million sponsorship deal with British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan.

Goodfellas marketing executive Katie Gash told The Drum: "Our war heroes are an obvious sponsorship choice for us, aligning the Goodfellas brand with real life good fellas who are hungry for success and enjoy getting stuck into tasty foreign things."

The deal will intially see members of the 51st Batallion wearing the Goodfellas branding on their helmets and vests, with Goodfellas Pizza to become an official supplier to the armed forces. A new range of pizzas and toppings have been created to support the campaign:

Friendly Fire - Mild chilli, green pepper and onion
Camoflage - Mushroom, yellow pepper, spicey chicken, black olives
Tora Bora - Extra deep and hollow crust
Tali-Banquet - Spicy meatballs, pepperoni, ham, chicken, red peppers

A spokesman for the MOD said that the decision to go ahead with the sponsorship deal was not taken lightly. "A good many people may see this sort of thing as tasteless. But Goodfellas Pizza are well tasty. Just like our boys on the front." Revenue from the deal will be pumped back into the MOD to buy much needed bullets and sun cream.

An industry insider told The Drum that Goodfellas are already in talks with the British Legion with a view to sponsoring next year's remembrance service.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Short Story Competition

Do you like words and stories and occasional pictures? Then why in the hell don't you enter the first ever Content Flavoured Trousers short story comeptition?

How To Enter
Simply look at the picture below and write a story about it! Use as much of your imagination as you can, and as many or as little words as you are capable of. I'd suggest using at least 1 character, although 3 or 4 or even 5 wouldn't be out of place.

Ready then?

Nice one.

Post your entries in the comments section. Winner gets a pot of jam and a grappling hook.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Creative Directors of your Nightmares # (lost count)

NAME: Scary Negro Puppet

GOOD POINTS: Is literally hands on.

BAD POINTS: A bit old fashioned. Will kill you in your dreams.

Another Brick in the Wall

Yip hip hip hoo-rah-ay! It's 20 years since the Berlin Wall fell over. Anyone still confused as to why they built it in the first place, should watch this.

See if you can spot an excited Adolf Hitler at the end... or is it a young David Bowie?

Comedy & Advertising

Adverts are funny aren't they. LOL, ROFLOL, mummy-my-legs-are-wet funny. Take a look. This one's nearly as funny as Del Boy falling through the bar every Xmas for last 30 years.

This year, Herr Dave Trott said that we all need more comedy in advertising, especially "at the moment" ie. skint and fucking miserable and at war (although he was about to judge the Chip Shop Awards at the time so perhaps he wasn't being quite as sincere as he could've been. Or maybe it was a joke in itself? Ha!) Anyway, his main point was that we all need to bloody well lighten up a bit. After all, the business of advertising, which is - let's face it - the business of finding interesting metaphors for products, isn't exactly life and death. And yet, walk into some agencies and you can almost hear Doom turning over in his bed... Shhh! People tapping away nervously in corners, piles of papers being marched over to desks to be whispered about. (If it's a small agency it tends to feel a little bit like Das Boot). Sure, we all have our Star Wars toys and posters up around the studio, but they're nothing more than sentimental reminders; like teddy bears on a child's grave...

No. The atmosphere in many agencies is barely conducive to creativity let alone a laugh and a joke. But humour remains one of the most powerful weapons in the ad man's (brass and mahogany) gun cabinet - a weapon that remains firmly under lock and key because humour might be a bit "inappropriate" or send "the wrong message" at the minute, because we all love being fucking miserable and uptight, right? Wrong! People like being happy, and like feeling they've gained something. Which is what humour does so much more effectively than (for example) an assurace of the quality and history of Kelloggs corn flakes, or any other stolid and pretentious recession-proof campaign.

Eric Idle once said that comedy is just "telling the truth", which is correct (if a little reductionist). To put it another way, humour and comedy are based entirely on honesty, and it's this that audiences respond to, whether it's the sarcasm of Blackadder, or the absurd pathos of Cadbury Gorilla (arguably the greatest ad of the last 10 years). In fact, if I wanted to be a total wanker about it, I could go so far as to say there's something Charlie Chaplin-esque about Cadbury Gorilla... but then I'd have to suck Kirsty Wark's lady-cock to get on Late Review and talk that sort of bollocks.

We're constantly told that humour is a difficult thing to get right in advertising, SO difficult in fact, as to not even be worth attempting. Ironically though, the process of writing an ad isn't that far removed from writing comedy. Headlines, tag-lines, holding lines, punchlines: all obey the same principles, structures and mechanics. But the lack of humour in advertising isn't due to the lack of talent. It's due to a lack of material - the increasingly shit, weird, cynical or pointless things clients want us to sell...

Oh, look. Another DFS Xmas ad with All I Want For Xmas on it... Must be time for Del Boy to drop through the bar again.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Unfamiliar Territory

Barman. Any chance of a drink? I've seen a lot of shit writing lately and I just need to calm my nerves.

-Was it something I read on holiday? No, everything I read on holiday was great, thanks. I read Frost by Thomas Bernhard, which was hilariously miserable and very, very German; I read Hangover Square by Patrick Hamilton which was exceptionally good and the kind of tight, perfectly poised novel no-one can be arsed to write anymore; and I read Nick Cave's Death of Bunny Munro which was ace, and also a clear example of something you can genuinely describe as "mordant", which is a good word to use any time of the day.

No, the shit writing came before I went away. I was forced to deal with the single worst thing a copywriter can ever face: someone who thinks they can write. (Better make it a large one, yeah...)

As George Orwell once said in his essay Politics and the English Language, when it comes to writing the "enemy of clarity is insincerity". Which is to say, if you have no fucking idea, interest or understanding of what you're writing about, "one turns... instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms" - or as I like to put it: cliches and dogshit.

See, the difference between great copy and 150 words of crude, hollow, formless, nervous, prattle is roughly 1 day's research. Minimum. And NO! Mr. & Mrs. Planner, that doesn't mean researching and understanding your audience. It's not method acting, for fucksake. An audience is always gonna be an irreducible vortex of atomic randomness, yeah - and you can't apply quantum theory to the world of general relativity, dickhead, so lets just stick to what we know and can prove and undertand, ie. the facts. Let's not start second guessing and theorising (the client hasn't got the time/money for all that). No, we just need to get our heads round a few universal basics and take it from there. Once we've got those figured, digested, reduced, boiled down and mapped out, we can travel wherever we like within that world - the familiar territory of the audience.

It's this skill that every creative needs and that every shit writer lacks - the ability to make sense of and find a clear, confident and convincing way through unfamiliar territory. If you don't know the lay of the land before you set off, you'll be up Shit Creek after about 10words. The shit writer I had to deal with got so lost and changed direction that many times, the writing wasn't even fluent anymore and only just literate in some places. A right mess (shudder). I guess he's still trapped there now, going round and round in circles trying to find his fucking audience, bless him.

A toast then: to shit copywriters everywhere!

Ah, Mondays...

(NOTE: I've been away for a week. Does this still count as political satire?)