Monday, 16 November 2009

Vote Now! The Drum's Penis 100 2009

After months of examinations, The Drum's mission to compile the definitive list of the 100 biggest penises in marketing is almost at a (bell)end.

Rank the wankers below and determine the five biggest ball-tickling, willy-waving cocks in all of Marketingdom.

1. Tony Breakfastshire, Chief Exec. Dredge Digital: He might be fat and bald but look out ladies... Tony builds government microsites for a living and drives a bright yellow Lotus! He also happens to be a good 7inches when fully aroused. Turn-ons for him this year included doing a talk about Twitter to some civil servants and his beloved Leeds Rhinos - both of which made him spunk like a soapy drain.

2. Nicholas De Pigeon, Creative Director Brands R Us: You wouldn't normally associate the world of direct marketing with genital piercing, but 48 year old Nicholas De Pigeon proves the exception to the rule. A bad-tempered homosexual, it's this results-driven approach that has seen Nicholas maintain an 8 week erection over the acquisition of a poxy client from a shit rival agency. Incumbents, Medi@It waved good bye to "Nan's Dog Meats" in September and Nick's been pulling the head off it ever since.

3. Edwyn Bagg, chief executive Papilloma Group: There's only one thing Edwyn Bagg loves more than highly targeted response-driven B2B campaigns. And that's the sight of his own manhood reflecting in his Blackberry under the table during client meetings. After a minor success at a regional awards ceremony this year, Eddie demanded rough, drunken sex with his PA, Jaime, who he enjoyed strangling with his clip-on pony-tail. Is Bagg a preening bully? Definately. Does he do some nice brochure work? Occasionally.

4. Glen Pleb, creative director The Fifth Reich: As creative director of one of the most high profile agencies outside London, Glen loves nothing more than pulling his trousers down and telling graduates he hates their work. Squeaky voiced misfit Pleb can usually be found swinging his ginger dick around awards ceremonies, regaling all who can cope with him with tales of his unwavering creative prowess and great big hairy bollocks.

5. Nimrod Stool, chief executive Insolence PR: One of the most prevalent, if not unavoidable, penises in the industry, Nimrod regularly pokes his dick into the pages of the trade press spurting out sterile Twitter and Facebook flavoured cum all over his reader's faces. Heaving his deformed balls round awards ceremonies and dinners, Nimrod is regularly photographed grinning like a priapic ape in a tuxedo, pumping out sticky self-importance and flicking it at guests.

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