Monday, 30 November 2009

A Sexual Fantasy Involving Cheryl Cole

Hi there everybody/one. As many of you will know, when I'm not writing award-winning transmedia marcomms collaterals and that, I like to write spontaneous sexual fantasies involving celebrity women.

Today's fantasy involves tear-stained Geordie trollop, Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy), who entered my mind in much the same I would like to enter her - ie. very suddenly.

CHERYL: Ooh, ooh, John, it's me, Cheryl. Can you hear me?

ME: Is that you Cheryl? Cheryl? WTF!? Where are you you?

CHERYL: I'm up here babe. In the air-conditioning pipe.

ME: Wha-? But -? Are you ok. Cheryl? Is everthing all right?

CHERYL: I'm fine darlin', but I'm completely naked.

ME: Naked? In the air condition pipe. Are you taking the piss?

CHERYL: No, honestly, John I'm serious.

ME: Don't mess me about you tart. How did you get up there?

CHERYL: I was drying me hair.

ME: A likely story.

CHERYL: Honestly. Please John, you've got to help me (she begins to sob) You've got to believe me.

ME: How do I know it's really you? I can't see your ID.

CHERYL: Erm... See that small inspection vent above you..? I'll poke me tit through it and sing you a Girls Aloud hit.

ME: Ok. Smashing. Cheers. (she starts to sing)

CHERYL: How's that for ye?

ME: To be honest, I can't really tell if it's you without the backing vocals. It's a gorgeous tit though.

CHERYL: Thanks babe. Dya want to see the other one?

ME: Aye.

CHERYL: Eee, fuckin' hell that's a bit tight...

ME: Don't struggle. I get the idea.

CHERYL: No, I want to show ye me other big tit.

ME: Cheryl, mate, it's fine. Honest. And anyway, I better be off now.

CHERYL: Oh, ok then. Well, don't let me keep ya or owt.

ME: Cheerio then. Hope you're not stuck too long.

CHERYL: Me neither. I'm randy as a fuckin' tramp now.

ME: Oh well, can't be helped I suppose. Bye bye then.


Leon said...

Hey, where did you find that pic of Cheryl Crow? Loving the diaphragm control.
I really do enjoy your blog. If it was my choice I'd hire you tomorrow. Unfortunately, all my (agency) clients already know how to write in Engrish.
BTW which category does this one fit into?

John said...

Thanks Leon.

I got the pic off a man in a car park. For a fiver he'll get you some great ones of Lily Allen looking really warped.

You can hire me whenever you like. Just say something here and I'll get back to ya. (I took email off in case Cheryl's dad gets in touch).

Do you work at Fresh? Come on. Be honest. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'd say it falls roughly into my 4th category, (which I'll reveal later this week). I wouldn't single it out as an example though. It seemed quite functional and friendly to me. The sites I'm interested in are (generally) the ones where people try too hard, and the irony that that creates ie. they all end up being the same. Probably the reason advertising people don't notice this is because they're all shallow navel-gazing bastards like me.

Leon said...

Thankfully, I don't work at Fresh, just for them. Sometimes. They are very busy bees.

I get asked from time to time whether I know any decent writers. Shamefully, I don't. Well not any more, my last contact moved to Nottingham (which is too far away). Whether that's because I don't get out much or the fashion for Engrish has led to a DIY culture in the agencies I have worked for, I don't know.