Thursday, 6 August 2009

Dear Mojo Magazine...

Isn't it about time you featured The Beatles on your front cover again?

As you well know, "popular music" serves 3 distinct markets:

1. Girls at college/university
2. Men who'd like to fuck girls at college/university
3. Men crippled by longing (for their past fucking girls at college/university)

Since your publication falls clearly into category number 3, is it not your duty to constantly re-visit, re-appraise, re-assess the same material endlessly, listlessly, constantly, regularly?

Chronic nostalgia is a debilitating condition that needs round the clock care. Captain. Beefheart, Nick Drake, Neil Young, even Pink Floyd are all marginal figures compared to The Beatles. Young and Floyd are still going for fucksake! They are therefore unsuitable subjects for your magazine.

As future reference for your editor I provide the followig guide:

Just ask yourself "Did (eg.) Robert Wyatt ever get anybody laid?" If the answer is no, please don't include them in your magazine.

Actually, can we just do The Beatles every month from now on? You can review those Grateful Dead boxsets at the back if you like, but lets have some more stuff about the Fab Four. Come on! What EXACTLY was Yoko Ono's influence on The White Album? Tell us!

We need to know EXACTLY in case a woman ever asks us.

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