Tuesday, 23 March 2010

10 Reasons Your Advert Is Shit

1. Product is shit anyway

2. Not enough tits

3. Art direction grown over concept like mossy tentacles

4. Blogpost about making ad seemed more interesting than ad itself

5. Existential fear realised very early on in briefing process

6. Client into Jesus - thinks selling is like lying

7. Cursed skull turned up during pitch presentation

8. Did we mention the product was shit..?

9. And you're in a shit agency anyway

10. Cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts, cunts


Leon said...

Hi Tom

Forgive me for intruding, but is it okay if I reply to your blog? In fact, is it okay if we hold hands? Together.

I have a couple of issues with what you have said. Namely, that Jesus has never lied to me and fear of dying is not something that I fear, because Jesus has never lied to me.

I feel that you have a lot of anger. These cunts and agencies that you talk about, do they believe in Jesus?

Does Jesus read your blog? Do you think that he cares? Is it Jesus' product that you are trying to sell?

What is it that you are trying to do? Do you identify with the existential fear of others? Is the product shit? Do you have nightmares? Do they have skulls in them? Are they in 3d? Are they bloody? Why are you working for so many cunts?

Why is it that 'existential' is such a fashionable phrase? Why is so much of our culture so fucked up?

Does anybody read Descarte and if they do why bother? He was a cunt.

What have you got to hold onto?

Holding hands.

Tim, Didsbury.

John said...

Thanks Barbera. What a thoughtful comment. I can see why Jerry married you. Or am I thinking of Margot..?

Anyway, I think you're right - unlike you, I do have some sort of issue with Jesus. Everybody's frightened of him and his Dad. Paralysed by fear in fact. Like clients who're paralysed by the fear of isolating 0.000001% of morons with an advert for something 0.999999% of people wouldn't want to buy anyway.

That kind of fear makes us ALL look like cunts.

Leon said...

Hi John

Margot and Jerry are still going strong. In spite of being dead they are now living in telly land, where they will live forever.

Barbara divorced me a few years back and I am now left alone with the pigs. The fact that I haven't been able to milk them has forced me to take a job in e-commerce which has turned out to be to be worse than advertising.

She's now living on the social somewhere in Withington.

What I liked about advertising was that I could go to work, write a monologue and and go home at the end of the day. No one gave a shite as long as it sold stuff.

Nowadays, I'm left with trying to fucking blog and get friends on facebook whilst upping the client's ROI. So, I know where you are coming from, man.

Fear is a common trait in humanity and pigs, especially when you grab a hold of their teats.

But what about God's dad? And what about His granddad? The mind boggles.

Anyway, I've been working with a new mantra of late about trying to identify the majority of ones audience when creating content. It's common sense, really.

(Who was that politician who said 'you can't please all of the people all of the time'? Like, 'existential' this quote has entered into our lexicon as a form of shorthand for the lazy and and unthoughtful.)

For those clients who want pluralism, instead of my method of approaching the majority directly, I've taken to reaching over the table and beating them with a wooden spoon with the letters ROI etched into it. For those who just just smart after a few smacks I continue with a severe kicking to the guts whilst forcing the spoon elsewhere.

I've found it to be a very successful strategy for pitching new creative.

Anyway, I really must be off now. I shall continue to follow your most excellent blog and look forward to more LOL entries.


John said...

Hey, thanks man.

Couldn't agree more.

And excellent comic use of "Withington" too.

Cheers old boy. [Resists doing a smiley face and invites you to imagine one instead]