Monday, 15 September 2008

Meet The Brands

Aww, brands, eh. They're like people aren't they. Some of 'em are your mates, but most of them are scum. Like university freshers, they all reckon their different, but they all talk the same (yawn) pretentious bollocks as each other.

Advertising planners get all moist about brand "narratives" and "stories" - about a brand having a past and a future - a personality that can be drawn and expanded upon. That way, when a brand finally corners you at a party or gets stuck in a lift with you, it actually has something to say for itself. Trouble is though, most brands are shit raconteurs.

Here's a quick test: Imagine ITV's "An Audience With... Sir. Peter Ustinov" but instead of Peter Ustinov, replace him with Brand X. Then ask yourself if you think Brand X will effortlessly charm and dazzle its assembled celebrity audience, or if you think it'll bore them to death with a shit anecdote about a half-price sale?

Tone of voice is one thing, but if your brand story's told by a complete wanker it doesn't matter what they say. I keep having nightmares about being trapped in a lift with the new Muller commerical; listening to a deranged, psychotically happy mother burbling on and on about her child's health. That's just fucking weird, man.

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