Ouch

My creative director really, really likes it when I "copy" his writing style.

The kinky fucker...

More cheeky Drum fun: "Sim to Fight Evil Self in Scrap Yard Like Superman 3"

The Drum's Alistair "Oh, him" Sim Correspondent: Harry Glans

Devisive industry personality Alistair Sim today unveiled plans to twat himself in a bare-knuckle junkyard brawl like on Superman 3.

In a swanky press-conference at Urbis, the Nice Sim told the Earth: "The brief was simple - to somehow embody the (alleged) evil within me and publicly destroy it, along with any inferred press speculation that I might have been a bit of a cunt."

At the time of going to press, Sim's evil side was unavailabable for comment, swigging neat whiskey from a bottle, and snorting coke off a placement's portfolio. Allegedly.

Nice Sim told The Drum: "The plan is to use a magnet to pick the evil me up by the glasses and hurl him into a car-crusher." Meanwhile, an Evil Sim insider told us he intended to just "drop an engine on his head". Nice Sim went on: "For someone as affable and timid as I am, I'm gonna have to look pretty deep within myself to find the strength and courage to kick the fucking shit out of someone as close as to me as I am." Allegedly.

Happier times. Hasgrove Group board members (L to R), Dim, Sim, Blim, and Tim

Related news:
Sim drinks tea with friend - absolutely nothing to report
Sim eat fishfingers, chips, leaves beans
Sim morphs back into Moon Wraith - returns to home world
Sim quits advertising to pursue pro dominoes
Sim sick to fucking death of publicity
Blogger sick to fucking death of Sim publicity

Slagging Off The Drum Friday Special

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Get the latest bile direct to your Inbox, iPhone, CockPod and BumTube for just £12 a month.

Executive annual subscriptions start at just £144. 96 a year and include an exclusive membership preview service with exclusive previews of executive's members.

Click here or fuck right off.

Ronnie Barker + John Wayne Gacy = ?

This man!

More news from The Drum: Greater Manchester Police launches viral about dangers of line-dancing

North West Correspondent, Buster Christ

With the line-dancing season upon us, GMP have launched a new viral video targetting thick people vulnerable to the dangers of line-dancing. The campaign (created by TBWA/Mongchester) cost "well over £3000" and will be internetted across the web and mobiles.

A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police said "I hate line-dancing. Every year, we see more and more vulnerable people subjected to this horrible, degrading pursuit. It's grotesque, foolish, and it has to stop." Last year GMP wasted nearly 3.5hours of police time dealing with drunk women in cowboy hats outside church halls. The hard-hitting viral is the first in a number of digtal campaigns planned by GMP, who have allocated £12m for marketing this year. With the raping season fast approaching, GMP are currently develping a number of flash games aimed at serial sex offenders and nonces.

News from The Drum: Advert in Trafford Centre created by total spastics

North West England

A new advert for some sausages was unveiled at Manchester's Trafford Park Shopping Plaza Park Facility in and around Manchester today.

The advert features photographs of sausages and some copy referring to sausages. An innocent shopper described the campaign as "obviously about sausages".

Samples of the ad were unavailable at the time The Drum reacted to the news. Speculation is that the ad has been conceived by the Trafford Centre's in-house team of spastics - further evidence of the difficulties facing regional agencies chasing the lucrative sausages briefs as more and more butchers farm out their creative to a load of fucking spastics.

ADdickheads

campaignlive.co.uk, 21 July 2009, 06:00am

LONDON - Each week, Campaign is publishing a rubbish cartoon, written by two particularly small-minded ad "creatives" who are as funny as AIDS, and illustrated by Jay Taylor. View the gallery of embarrassing cartoons here.

10 Composers that sound like chavvy Scouse children

1. (Ay,)Mozart(get here, now!)

2. Debussy (leave it!)

3. (Our) Chopin

4. (Our) Elgar

5. Brahms

6. Bach

7. Offenbach

8. (Our little) Bizet

9. (Ay,) Verdi (pack it in will ya!)

10. Handel & Haydn (if it were twins)

Ask in Store for Details

Are you thick, vane, and homosexual?

Then why not work in one of Manchester's many department stores, and make your snidey, hollow fantasies come alive!

Benefits include:

Weird fucking haircuts
Shit make-up
Dead eyes
Cunts at every turn

Shitting In Christ's Eyes (and other news)

I like headlines today. That one popped into my head as I was walking up the street during my lunch moment at the donkey sanctuary. Subsequently, I imagined a whole newspaper full of stuff, because I'm inacapable of doing any other work today due to a constipated brain. I thought it would be helpful to force some material out the other end and on to my blog (here).

The main part of my imagined newspaper was a section called "Public Forecast" which went something like this:

General Public Forecast for Manchester UK 16/09/09: Strong facial disfigurement with a prevailing hare lip, followed by intermittent Chinese girls in leather tights. Hippies in the North. Overnight gays and trendies, with patches of tramps clearing by dawn.

Then I arrived back and the donkey sanctuary. Still constipated.

Do you think I can retire off it?

Why hasn't anyone done this for the iPhone yet?

I'm a planner (and so is my wife).

The "project" me and Dre the donkey have been working on recently has become very fat and convoluted indeed. This is entirely due to planning.

The peculiar (some would say "maverick") structure of the project means that everyone at some point gets to be a planner - even me.

Unsurprisingly, being a planner is completely shit. And I always knew this to be the case (hence I made a conscious decision to be a creative instead), but now I've actually gone and proven it, which - lo and behold- is precisely what being a planner is all about: wasting lots of time proving yourself right.

If you like planning and enjoy going to meetings and talking in shit aphorisms all the time and fucking around with spreadsheets and reading pop-psychology books (and I bet you're all vegetarian too) and like spending time talking about other meetings you've had, and never actually having anything to show for your "work" except some Powerpoint slides and some tedious anecdotes, then Planning's definately for you.

Or if not, the civil service.

Patronising Cunts

Are you black, Asian, Chinese, Arabic, or a bit foreign looking?

Then the public sector would love to hear from you!

As part of its commitment to equality and diversity, the public sector is looking to feature as many pictures of foreigners as possible in its marketing collatoral.

We're particularly interested in hearing from handsome Asians who can stand infront a whiteboards and old black ladies with warm smiles.

Chinese applicants must provide their own lab coats and test-tubes.

NOTE: This post was tentatively entitled "Make the Nigger Bigger"

Creative Directors of your Dreams that Quickly Turn into Nightmares # 1

NAME: Miles Davis

GOOD POINTS: Inspirational. Iconoclastic. Cool as fuck.

BAD POINTS: Difficult to follow. Always blowing his own trumpet.

The Play's the Thingy

Went to watch this at the weekend (does one "watch" a play or "see" a play?)

Anyway, like most theatre it was all right. Ok. A nice change.
I don't go to the theatre all that often because I mostly find it embarassing watching people trying to pretend in public. Particularly young people, who tend to shout a lot more and are more pretentious. Older actors tend to have a bit more dignity (just as most old people do) so that isn't quite as painful to witness, as long as you're use to seeing your dad drunk from time to time. More interesting was watching the kinds of people who go to the theatre. This play's audience was mostly Independent readers and the infirm. The play itself was (like most plays) a little bit wonky, which no one ever admits due the pre-conception that theatre is a really clever thing to be doing, so god forbid you should point out how silly it is.

I'd recommend this play anyone who likes Derek Griffiths just for the fun you'll have trying to stop yourself shouting "Chockablock" at him.

Try not to blush

Here's DDB Brazil's shitstorm inducing ad for WWF - the one EVERYONE'S talking about like a lab of heamorrhaging apes.

But what's really so controversial about it?

I don't mind they fudged the TV version together in time for Cannes. And I don't mind that it didn't really actually ever run properly. In fact, I thought the art direction on the press ad was excellent.

No, the reason this is controversial is because (da-dada-da-da-da-daaa!)it's just really, really fucking dumb and pretentious.

Planning Masterclass

Whatever the strategy, whatever your market, always ask yourself: is your brand like a vole?

- Is your brand soft and appealing to most people?
- Is your brand fast and nimble and makes people jump when they see it?
- Is your brand different enough from mice and rats to survive in the overcrowded rodent market?
- Does your brand have teeth and claws?
- Does your brand have excellent hearing to listen to its audience?
- Does your brand have a tail?

OTHER LECTURES IN THIS SERIES:
Why brands are like olives.
Why brands are like cloaks.
Why brands are like dulcimers.
Why brands are like sausages.
Why brands are like metaphors.

Content Flavoured Dichotomy

As all of you will have noticed, I'm an expert on pretty much everything. Especially this marketing/advertising/design lark/spree/gubbins. So whenever I open my wise old gob, pundits and academics alike put down their iphones, pick up their history-writing pens, push their glasses to the top of their noses, gather their colleagues, friends, pets and family around, and prepare to take note (in longhand).

This one's for you lot ok, so listen up.

It strikes me that the main reason that TV is so shit and horrible is that, because of its very nature, TV makes banal, everyday things appear exceptional. Subsequently, whenever TV does deal with exceptional things, they appear banal. Nowadays though, it also feels like the opposite is true of the internet: the internet makes exceptional things seem really fucking banal. I'm not sure if this is because content is limited by the form of internet, or its simply being lost/diluted in the epic data-smog of Web 2.0...

I'll just check my web-stats and see how lost all this actually is. Maybe there should be a "quality" rating on Google Analytics.

Can I Have a Job Please?

I love writing. Really, really love it. More than sweets, art, and blowjobs. So, when I don't write I get really tetchy and chippy. Like a junky without any smack.

The work I've been doing recently isn't intrinsically awful, or even has anything explicitly bad about it. It's just that the kind of writing involved is very much the methodone of copywriting, and (unfortunately) I'm used to doing much stronger stuff. More to the point, I'm not ready to give up and I don't want to give up my habit. Methodone might be keeping me off the streets but it's not helping my writing any.

If anyone has any full-time writing opportunities where I can sit injecting briefs into my eyes all day, maybe with a designer or an art director to help me along (that'd be great), then please do get in touch.

CVs/examples on request.