When did you last do some good work?

Well, as a perfectionist I'd say never.

As a magnanimous arse, I'd say not that long ago but it was a team effort mwah mwah mwah.

But as an honest to goodness hold my hands up geezer I'd say, um, somewhere between the two maybe?

To use the analogy of a teenager whose parents are perpetually telling him to keep the noise down, I guess I'm seriously wishing my parents would fuck off on holiday today and let me party. It's a nice day too. We could have the girls round playing in the pool right now... I could get my friend's band over to play... It'd be sweet. Except we haven't got a pool. And my friend's band are shit. So if my parents did go on holiday and I had free reign to do whatever crazy stuff I wanted, I'd probably just end up sharing a bottle scotch with a mate and listening to the radio in the shed, wishing we had a pool with girls in and a shit-hot band playing on the patio with all the beautiful people there, and I'm the most popular guy in the world - they all love my work- and then God pulls up in his Ferrari with a beagle (I quite like beagles) and hands me a beer straight out the glove box like...

Beautiful.

But, as I say, it's not like that. I'm a teenager in a bedroom in a shit neighbourhood with very conservative parents. And as a result, I have a rich internal life and a healthy interest in pornography. Or at least, I do for now. It might still go very wrong as I get older.