10 Things Brands Can't Do

1. Take drugs

2. Stand on tip-toes to reach back of high shelf

3. Save up for a holiday

4. Accidentally injure nephew

5. Chose a nice bottle of wine

6. Have an early night

7. Apply for planning permission

8. Fart in the bath

9. Bluetooth with car

10. Mow my fucking lawn

Q:How many Tim Burton's does it take to change a light bulb..?

A: Two! One, to change it, and one to kiss my arse.

For anyone who hadn't noticed, Tim Burton's latest garish Edward Gorey rip-off, is a garish Edward Gorey rip-off version of Alice in Wonderland.

And let's face it, most people think Lewis Carroll was either a stinking nonce or drug-addled puff, so it was never gonna be too long before Burton waded in with an "all just so ka-ray-zee" take on Carroll's classic.

But why is it "ka-ray-zee"? What is it that people think is either dark, or tormented, sinister, or narcotic about Lewis Caroll's imagination? Are we so small-minded as to find the slightest whiff of creativity abnormal somehow?

I've a feeling the answer is probably "Yes. I am that ignortant. Now give me some fucking popcorn."

Oh my

I'd never seen a picture of L. Ron Hubbard until now. This is him. What a ghastly little shit.

Whilst all religions are pretty fucking stupid in the scheme of things, you'd have to be exceptionally fucking stupid to subscribe to one based on lousy science fiction written by a man who looks like he couldn't count half his chromosomes on all 27 of his webbed fingers, and drools when he farts.

JihAdvertising

Welcome to JihAdvertising. The ups and downs of a young british muslim, young british art director. Here you'll find some thoughts on branding, graphic design, and the justice of Allah.

Damn these new commecials from the infernal House of Beattie McGuiness Bungay!


They offend myself and other young muslim art directors with their tasteful lighting, slick direction and ace special effects. My faith may forbid me from even engaging with such glib and light-hearted portrayals of avarice, but this new strategy is a clear and blatant attack against myself and all right-thinking creatives.

Young muslim art directors, I urge you, rise up against this abortion and the agencies of the West (End). May the wings of Allah behead your planners with a flap of his righteous tail-feathers. Let his wrath know no bounds, bringing flame upon your scamp pad and great shit all over your MacBook fucking Pro-ponces.

How's My Scamping?

Just great thanks.

If you've misplaced your glasses for a mo, that there is former World Super Bikes champion, Carl Foggarty. Er, or Midge Ure.

And next to him is something like a great big crab.

That squiggle at the bottom's where the copy goes - dickhead!

Latest Opportunities From BBC Writer's Room

ImmiGrunt Scotland
£300 bursary for best new single-syllable monologue from a Scottish immigrant writer.
Winners will have their work performed in an Edinburgh pub during the festival.

The Haydn Sikh Show
Hilarious new topical radio sketch show is now looking for submissions. Cast consists of two males - one British, one Asian. Both can do women's voices. Material must be centered around British Asians (preferably Sikhs), and the German classical composer, Josef Haydn. We may consider material about actor Hayden Christensen at a push. No more than 25 sketches per submission.

Queer As Fuck
The Come Unity Theatre Group is offering £50 for sexually explicit 1 act plays from up and coming gay/lesbian writers. The stronger the better. No questions asked.

Northern Vowels
Part of the "Please. Look North" season, this established theatre now has £25000 of Lottery funding. They would like to hear from Northern writers interested in producing dialect versions of all of David Hare's plays. We are particularly interested in hearing from Scousers, who sound really threatening.

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If there's no wind, there's no sea. So come hell or high water, we'll get you whatever you deserve at Maritime Lawyers 4U.

Advertising Feature

With a broadcasting career spanning nearly 50years and a CV that reads like a Who's Who of current affairs and that, booking the right Esther Rantzen for your charity, TV appearance, vox-pop, voiceover, panel show, or info-mercial can be a complete fucking nightmare.

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"Voted 5/5 in Which? Rantzen Magazine"

'Ave It

Yoo hoo.

It's me, Pep St. Johnswort from Snatch London. This is just to remind people that this month's sub-media planning forum is taking place at the Squint Gallery in Hoxton this Freitag and to tell you all that blogging is - like - just sooo gay these days.

Totally queer as.

I can't believe you're all here, man.

Faggots.

Dissing Integration

Hello. Is that Waterstones in Manchester? I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for a copy of Fly Fishing by J.R Hartley.

You did have it? But you've mixed all the good books in with the shit ones now to make more space for e-Readers and fucking chart cookery books? It could be anywhere then could it?

Is there anything else I'm looking for? Actually, I was hoping to browse the literature in translation section for something new and exciting but -

Oh, that's gone completely now has it?

Fuck it. I'll leave it then thanks mate. Amazon's cheaper anyway.

Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday

It's Friday.

Do the Friday Poll.

Today! Friday!

Ut!

Analogy Masterclass

Welcome to Analogy Masterclass, with me, Me.

Today's analogy is about the relationship between account handlers and their clients.

In this anology, the client is a fat, bald man on benefits who is so pathologically lazy he pretends to be paralysed. Meanwhile, the account handler is an over-zealous carer who spends all their time telling everyone what their client wants, needs, likes, dislikes, whilst the client does the exact opposite behind their backs.

It's fucking hilarious. Honestly. No matter how many times you see it.

Well done. Have a (solid) gold star

Spotted this great little piece of advertisationing last night, somewhere between Coronation Farm and Celebrity Mastectomy Chef.

Nice art direction and nice angle on something inherently fucking dreadful.

10 Advertising Agencies Expressed as Genitals

1. Droga5 - Small, pale penis with a weird, pierced bell-end

2. McCanns = Big hairy, 1970s minge

3. Weiden + Kennedy - Quivering, hairless, porn-star vulva. Like a genetically enhanced nostril.

4. St. Lukes - Common or garden penis

5. Mother - Great big hairy bollocks

6. TBWA - Shrivelled up todger due to steroid abuse. Like a burnt snail.

7. Ogilvy - Dad's cock or the Queen's gash ie. taken for granted, battered and faithful

8. WCRS - Definately a big cock, but shaved to look even bigger

9. BMB - Imaginary vagina of a woman you think you should've married

10. Albion - Kinky, half-formed secret willy between bum and fanny

Euthanasia's too good for him

I'm being stalked by Paulo Nutini. He's trying to kill me with that song of his "10/10" - or as I like to call it "Fuckin' Nowt/10".

Call me sensitive, but the idea of a precocious 23 year old Scots-born Italian pretending to be John Martyn (at his most pissed and knackered)doing a shit impression of Desmond Decker just scares the living wee wees out of me. It's ludicrous. Like a Frankenstein pig-robot. Who wants to bassanova.

But it's only a matter of time before it's the soundbed for every single commercial going.

Don't stand for it! Pitch forks at dawn people. Smash his weird little bones, I beg you.