Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Not So Innocent

I've indirectly well-kind-of a bit not-really-Yer-Honour had a pop or two at Innocent drinks already on here. Well today I'm making a stand. No more mincing of words.

As of today:

Innocent. Drinks. Can. Fuck. Right. Off. In fact they can fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck right off (that's 19 fucking fucks for every fucking grape in their fucking autistic, facile fucking products).

It's very easy and obvious for me to say their "innovative" branding and marketing is far from innocent and considerably less naive than it purports to be. But that isn't my gripe. On the contrary, I find their strategy and direction genuinely commendable. Their brand guru, "Dan The Man From Innocent" is almost as famous as the drinks themselves, and his increasing resemblance to a member of R. Crumb's Fabulous Furry Freak Bros. is surely testament to the incredible dedication he has to this (faux hippy) image*.

No, what I'm moaning about is purely as a writer. Innocent's tone of voice - a kind of cross between H.A.L from 2001 and Kurt Vonnegut condescending a child - makes my blood boil. Not least because I increasingly hear/see it everywhere; those smug, hollow words, presently being uttered by Johnny Ball. Johnny Fucking Ball, I tell thee! It's not right! Please god, stop labouring the banality of those products. It just sounds fucking weird! (Am I being too sensitive? I probably am aren't I.)

*Sorry Dan, I'm just being -shall we say- burlesque; I'm playing for laughs. I don't hate you or your beard. In fact, your beard has nothing to do with market saturation at all. Please smack my wrists.

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