Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Take It Like A Man

Reading this at work are you? Ouch. Must be another quiet day in the office.

And how about that speculative project they let you do? Finished it already, eh.

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. Seems like those bored fingers of yours are drumming out a snatch of Morse Code... What's that they're saying..?

Why, "P45" of course! Can you hear it my friend? "P45... P45... P45..." It's like a runaway train, listen- calling at: Shattered Confidence, Job Centre Interchange and Destitution Central. (Passengers for Suicide, please change at Hopelessness Crescent and make your way to the footbridge).

Allll aboarrrrrd!

But wait. Potential unemployment doesn't have to be like that - no. Don't just sit there like half a packet of bacon. It's time to put yourself in the frying pan for once. It's time that you accepted... Voluntary Redundancy!

That's right. Take the bullshit by the horns with the official Content Flavoured Trousers Voluntary Redundancy Resignation Template Letter. It's specially formulated to give you something do in work!

Dear HR,

My name is.....[your name]

I work in......[your department]

Thanks for paying me on time every week/fortnight/month* for the last..... [time position held]. It's ever so kind of you. And now that things have gone a bit quiet, I think I'd like to return the favour.

You've taught me a great deal about dignity and suffering these last... [time position held] Which is why in accepting an/your* offer of... [name your price] I hereby promise NOT to come into work any more.

I know this might sound selfish, but you deserve it.

I've always put my work first, and now is no different. I know this means a lot to you. I just wish I could be there to see your face.

Thanks again for all the pay and the desk you let me use. Maybe now you can burn it as fuel during these difficult months.

Big hugs

[your name]

PS: My leaving do is at... [venue] on [time and date]. Please join me for a drink/keep the fuck away from me*

*Delete as applicable

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