When I'm Giddy

An old hobby of mine - one which I haven't indulged in for some time - was writing and submitting offensive and/or unusable material to BBC Radio's Parson's and Naylor's Pull-Out Sections. It's one of those horribly light "satirical comedy" shows: smug, contrived and about as funny as full-blown AIDS. As it happens to be one of the few BBC shows with an open-door submission policy, I thought I'd baffle, annoy, and generally waste the time of it's producers by sending in stuff they couldn't ever use. For example, anyone familiar with my (breif and pointless) Facebook profile will have read my sketch "The Nigger of Dibley" which was culled from this body of material. Get the idea?

Anyway, I've just been tidying the hard-drive on my laptop and discovered the following surrealist comic-oddity. I don't even remember writing this one. I can only guess I was giddy on espresso when I spewed this one out.

So. Hilarious or just bloody odd? You decide.

KEY IN THE DOOR – LIGHTS COME ON AND A MAN AND WOMAN ENTER A LARGE, BRIGHT APARTMENT/FLAT.

MAN: Well, this is it – the bachelor pad.

WOMAN: Goodness. Isn’t it lovely. It’s very bright. And a good size too.

MAN: Yes it is, isn’t it. Far, far larger than my poor old penis.

WOMAN: Oh dear. I –

THE MAN PRESSES A FINGER TO HER LIPS TO HUSH HER.

MAN: Shhh. Trust me.

HE GOES OVER TO A DRINKS CABINET AND POURS TWO LARGE BRANDIES.

MAN: …That is, of course, assuming we are going to have sex?

WOMAN: Oh, naturally. Although, if its any consolation, I do have a very shallow –

MAN: Bottom? No matter, my love. No, matter.

WOMAN: I was going to say womb.

MAN: Womb? Pah! There’ll be no need for wombs where we’re going, my dear. (HE HANDS HER HER DRINK) Come. Let me show you the bedroom…

THEY ENTER THE BEDROOM

WOMAN: … So, how long have you had a small penis for then, exactly?

MAN: Not always. Why do you ask?

WOMAN: Oh, I was just wondering... Do a lot of men have them then– these "small penises?" I suppose its just a local thing, is it?

MAN: (LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW) This whole town’s full of them.

WOMAN: Ah, penises, penises, penises, penises, penises… isn’t it funny to think that there’s more than one in the world?

MAN: Yes. But there’s only one in this room, remember.

WOMAN: Gosh, I know. Isn’t it exciting. I say- do you think we’ll have trouble finding it then?

MAN: Oh, I shouldn’t think so. Here. (HE GOES OVER TO A CUPBOARD)

WOMAN: I suppose you have it alarmed or something, don’t you.

MAN: Look.

WOMAN: Gracious, what is it?

MAN: It’s a pump. For pumping more blood into my small penis.

WOMAN: But whatever for?

MAN: To make it bigger, of course!

WOMAN: I see.

MAN: Yes. I put my small penis into this, much larger, chamber, thus. (HE DOES SO) Then, by squeezing this bulb the subsequent change in atmospheric pressure causes the cock to swell within the vacuum. Would you like to try?

WOMAN: Yes please!

SHE BEGINS PUMPING

MAN: There, see…steady now…

WOMAN: Its just like the Magdeburg hemispheres… look at it now – it’s huge.

MAN: Keep going. You’re nearly there.

WOMAN: Yes...!

MAN: (ENORMOUS GASP) Wait! Stop stop stop!

WOMAN: What is it – what’s wrong?

MAN: There’s something inside the chamber. Something that shouldn’t be there.

WOMAN: Oh my goodness- where?

MAN: There. Close to the tip.

WOMAN: What is it?
MAN: It’s… it… but I don’t understand –

WOMAN: What is it!?

MAN: (HESITANT) It’s... a frog.

WOMAN: A frog? But how!?

MAN: I don’t know. It must’ve hopped in there.

WOMAN: It looks uncomfortable. Its eyes are bulging.

MAN: At least it wasn’t a toad.

WOMAN: What are we going to do? I’ve never had sex with a frog before. Although –ahem- I have kissed one or two.

THEY BOTH LAUGH WITH GOOD HUMOUR

THE END