Take It Like A Man

Reading this at work are you? Ouch. Must be another quiet day in the office.

And how about that speculative project they let you do? Finished it already, eh.

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. Seems like those bored fingers of yours are drumming out a snatch of Morse Code... What's that they're saying..?

Why, "P45" of course! Can you hear it my friend? "P45... P45... P45..." It's like a runaway train, listen- calling at: Shattered Confidence, Job Centre Interchange and Destitution Central. (Passengers for Suicide, please change at Hopelessness Crescent and make your way to the footbridge).

Allll aboarrrrrd!

But wait. Potential unemployment doesn't have to be like that - no. Don't just sit there like half a packet of bacon. It's time to put yourself in the frying pan for once. It's time that you accepted... Voluntary Redundancy!

That's right. Take the bullshit by the horns with the official Content Flavoured Trousers Voluntary Redundancy Resignation Template Letter. It's specially formulated to give you something do in work!


Dear HR,

My name is.....[your name]

I work in......[your department]

Thanks for paying me on time every week/fortnight/month* for the last..... [time position held]. It's ever so kind of you. And now that things have gone a bit quiet, I think I'd like to return the favour.

You've taught me a great deal about dignity and suffering these last... [time position held] Which is why in accepting an/your* offer of... [name your price] I hereby promise NOT to come into work any more.

I know this might sound selfish, but you deserve it.

I've always put my work first, and now is no different. I know this means a lot to you. I just wish I could be there to see your face.

Thanks again for all the pay and the desk you let me use. Maybe now you can burn it as fuel during these difficult months.

Big hugs

[your name]

PS: My leaving do is at... [venue] on [time and date]. Please join me for a drink/keep the fuck away from me*


*Delete as applicable

What Do Ya Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Hmmm, let's think...

I know!

I want to be a tedious, arse-tranquilising mimsy who shits on and on and on about my job and my self day and fucking night; and even when I'm not at work and talking about my work as I'm actually working, I'll be blogging about my work in my own spare time. And I'll never ever be lonely because I'll be surrounded by "virtual" people who are just as pathologically tedious as I am. Bingo!

Sigh.

I've gotten bored of reading advertising blogs again. In the week that Anne Frank's diary was newly adapted for television, I wonder if Scamp's blog will ever make it to the screen..?

Maybe it's time for a career/blog change...

Police officer

Dentist

Nurse

Farmer

Injury lawyer

Business School

Welcome to my Business School Idiot Masterclass.

This is Module 111. Section 2c, entitled How and When to Save Money.

Running a busy advertising agency means inevitably you'll have to use freelance staff from time to time.

This can be done either by dealing with the trader directly, or through a third party agent for a small arrangement fee.

To avoid unnecessary fees, always deal with the trader directly. NEVER phone the trader first, then phone the trader's agent because you can't get hold of them at that minute, and then -after booking the trader via the agent- ask the trader to sidestep the agent altogether in order to avoid fees, because you've already agreed your contract via the agent you thick bastard and they're gonna phone you and hassle you and hound you to death over why the job "mysteriously" fell through aren't they -duh!- and besides which you don't pay enough regularly enough for a trader to tell a big fat "no, I'm not doing that job today" lie to the people who facilitate their work you fucking pillock.

CONCLUSION: Cheeky = ok
Fucking stupid = expensive

Big Train

Ok. [deep breath]

There's a particularly amusing sketch from the second series of Big Train, in which Simon Pegg plays a creative director who insists on using a man called Tim (can't remember his surname) as a runner on a new bog roll commercial. Without spoiling it, the joke is that Pegg must go to extraordinary lengths to convince Tim to take his shitty freelance gig.

Er... now, although I've got the sketch on DVD I couldn't be arsed uploading it myself.

So. I searched YouTube via Google videos...

And this is what I found.

As you can see, it's a very good answer, but it's not right. At all.

Salt n' Sheik

This is houmous: an arabic spread or dip made from cooked, mashed chick peas, garlic and olive oil.

On the other hand, this is Hamas: a Palestinian paramilitary organisation.

Easily confused, aren't they mother.

Just remember: you dip celery in one, and Mossad* in the other.

*A traditional Jewish breadstick.

January Sale

The Content Flavoured Trousers winter sale is now on.

-Big wanks... SLASHED!

-Buy one shit, get a nonsense... absolutely FREE!

-Selected items are of 0% interest

-Pay nothing until 6pm Saturday

-Must end half-price and all that

Content Flavoured Trousers

Very little helps

Low-cation Low-cation Low-cation

NEW FOR 2009

Phil and Kirstie return to Channel 4 with a recession-friendly version of their popular property show.

This week, Steve and Dawn need help after Steve was made redundant earlier last year. Torn from his family and forced to seek work in the city, Steve's on the lookout for an economical pied a terre where he can mournfully masturbate into his Super-Noodles and weep himself to sleep. Meanwhile, Dawn's staying in rural Derbyshire with baby Louisa. They're after a two-bedroom terrace with a mains gas supply, close to Dawn's parents for when she finally puts her head in the oven and "cries for help."

NEXT WEEK: Kirstie helps Val and terminally ill hubby Richard find the perfect retreat for an assisted suicide.