How Research Works

Of all the weapons in the marketeers gun cabinet, research is amongst the most comforting, second only to the one we may one day, inevitably, turn on ourselves.

For many years advertisers relied on little more than the well-informed opinions of experts to gauge the reception of their marketing activities; a process which led to almost universally successful advertising. However, as thicker, less dynamic people took over the marketing departments of businesses they had had no part in building, and therefore had no long-term commercial interest in sustaining anyway, marketers struggled to accept or (in most cases) understand the advice the advertising experts were giving them.

And so, research was born: the process of fool-proofing a decision by consulting as many fools as possible.

Here's how it works.

RESEARCHER: What do you think of this product?

HAPLESS FOOL: What product?

RESEARCHER: This new product.

HAPLESS FOOL: Never heard of it.

RESEARCHER: I know. It's new.

HAPLESS FOOL: Oh. Can I try it then?

RESEARCHER: Ok... What do you think of it now?

HAPLESS FOOL: Meh.

RESEARCHER: That a yes or no then?

HAPLESS FOOL: No opinion.

RESEARCHER: I need to put yes or no though.

HAPLESS FOOL: Oh.

RESEARCHER: Would you say you were nearer a yes..?

HAPLESS FOOL: I have no opinion.

RESEARCHER: I'll put you down as a yes then, ok.

HAPLESS FOOL: Whatever.