Thursday, 22 July 2010

The worst writing you will ever come across

Alex Kapranos' Soundbites column from The Guardian circa 2006.

I used to read these just to see how far my mouth would gape open. Now you can too.

Things to look out for:

-His arse-clenchingly self conscious style. Like a precocious teenage girl writing a diary she hopes one day will be published.

-Writerly posturing. An over reliance on pretentious, and usually pretty hollow simile, descibing things in jarring, cod-poetic terms in an attempt to at least sound like a writer.

-The absolute failure to impart any kind of enthusiasm for his subject, as he's far too busy trying to sound like a laconic, effortless Beat writer. Which is isn't.


Leon said...

Thanks for pointing this one out. After years of trawling the interweb for strange fiction you have finally managed to surprise moi. What went into Mr Kapranos mouth and what came through his mind are at once truly sickening. These are probably the most depraved writings I have come across since reading the self-account a teenage girl's relationship with her pet alsatian dog or the autobiography of the guy in Arizona who became a self-amputee. The style of writing reminds me of the last few chapters of the 120 Days of Sodom, as the old fella began to write on bog paper! At the end of the road Alex Kapranos is appalled by British table manners in Prague. This is a pity, as if he had continued we would have had a definitive bottom line, or indeed a true performance indicator of what is most awful in our culture. Pity.

John said...

Hey Babs,

A good point as ever.

De Sade was just a pervert whereas Kapranos is obviously some kind of fucking monster.

Kapranos, Kapranos, Kap-Ra-Nos... straight out of Lovecraft if you ask me.