Editorial from The Drum: How to use a telephone

In the latest of The Drum's essential Media Lectures series, Billy Palsy from Slop Communications tells us how to use the phone.

In the hurdy-gurdy, topsy-turvy rain forest that is today's media landscape, it's more important than life itself that agencies, brands, women and children can communicate effectively. I mean, fucking hell. We've all seen the media rain forest in Avatar. But until we evolve vaginas in our hair to spunk our minds into, we'll all just have to make do with traditonal media-minges. Like newspapers, televisions, soapboxes, saxophones, and -crucially- the telephone.

It might sound like bollocks to some of you, but the humble telephone is one of the most overlooked and powerful tools/weapons in the marketeers garage. And when it comes to building a brand, nothing can beat it. Not even in 3D.

So pick up your phone and dial a number. Any number! As soon as someone picks it up, tell them about your brand. If they don't want to listen and hang up, try a different number. Just keep telling them about your brand. Now, imagine your voice as a fist, clenching your brand to the throat of the listener. If necessary, imagine the benefits of your brand/product as a leather glove covering their mouth. Push these benefits hard into their face, and don't let them make a sound. Speak in a low, steady voice and make your position clear. Finally, when they whimper and collapse, slam down the phone.

Repeat as absolutely necessary.