All Change

Good day to you madam. Allow me to introduce oneself. My name is David Cameron, and I am the leader of your local Conservative Party.

I'd like to take a few moments, if I may, of your time. That is if you aren't already too busy fending off the wild gollywogs Gordon Blair has been releasing into this pretty little parish of ours of late.

Ha ha haw, only joking, of course.

Or am I? Afer all, it's a sad, plain fact that Tony Brown and his loony left buggered up our economy by letting queers into the Post Office all those years ago. And at this rate, the whole of the NHS will be so clogged up with half-caste homo-babies by 2012, we'll all have missed Wimbledon by the time any of us get seen by a doctor or (at the very least) a clergyman.

And that's why I'm here to talk to you today about change. The sort of change that was once such a central part of English life. The sort of change the milkman used to leave on your doorstep, before whistling Land of Hope Glory to himself. The sort of change one kept in the cup-holder of a Rover 800. The sort of change you wouldn't dream of giving a beggar, or the sort of change that's (frankly)better off in the pleated pocket of my mustard coloured corduroy trousers. I'm talking about the good old fashioned change we used to to tip slaves with in the 19th century - the small change that got you a thrupenny upright from a Whitechapel whore before the Ripper tore her apart. The same change one might then use to seal her eyes closed as they scraped her off the cobbles.

Change madam, is what this country so desperately needs. And so I beg of you to vote conservative in this coming election.

A very good day to you.