Monday, 13 October 2008

Is This Cool?

Wow-wee, look! It's The Fonz - the coolest man on Earth.

Ahhh... those were the days; back when being cool was easy. All you needed was a toilet for an "office" and know the right place to hit a jukebox. It's not like that anymore though. No, nowadays you need a whole panel of people to tell you if you're cool or not...

What!? You mean you didn't read the UK Cool Brands supplement that flopped out of The Observer yesterday? You mean you didn't agonize over all that vague and arbitrary data, like The Time Line of Cool that tells us 007's 1964 Aston Martin DB5 is as culturally significant as the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? Jesus, man... But CoolBrands UK has put together a 30-strong panel of experts to work this shit out for us! Shame on you...

But -hey- what a panel it is! There's the usual suspects: Nicholas Roope of Poke and Patrick Burgoyne of Creative Review. But there's some unexpected heavyweights in there too, ie. cultural leviathan... June Sarpong! She might be a New Labour cumpot who looks like the remains of Tutenkhamun, but those T4 Sunday's with Vernon Kaye and Hollyoaks have put her up there with Lord Bragg and Alan Yentob. And if that weren't enough gravity and authority for you, they've even managed to harness the might of... Lauren Laverne, who -let's face it- is the new Norman Mailer.

So stop clicking your fingers at girls and going "Ehhhh" in the mirror. Get your out-dated arse over to CoolBrands UK and enjoy the shallowest, most pointless analysis of nothing, written in the shittest, most impractical font you've ever seen and be none the wiser as to what fuck "cool" might or might not be, although it's probably something to do with price.

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