Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Give The Future A Hug: 10 Groundbreaking Strategies

Working in advertising I worry all the time about the future of our precious industry. Thus, in order to sleep soundly at night and to stave off the kind of existential-meltdown everyone in advertising has roughly every 3 fucking minutes, I've drawn up a list of 10 groundbreaking strategies that'll ensure the future of our hallowed endeavours.

1. TV commericals you can actually punch
2. Swearing in sales letters (eg. "Fuck a duck Mrs. X, there's 50% off!" just to
make it more earthy)
3. No images of people. People are surrounded by people all day. People see
people in adverts and just think "Oh, fuck off."
4. Smaller type-faces. I had a headmaster who used to speak very quietly in
assemblies. The result was that everyone sat forward and listened. The same
rule applies to fonts.
5. "Helvetica Week" For one week of the year, all graphics and branding are
stripped away to just plain helvetica text on a white background.
6. Even more pretentious car adverts. The first agency to get a car ad on The
South Bank Show wins a team-building fun-day at the Sorbonne with Umberto Eco and the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra.
7. Replace logos and brand guidelines with signature dishes and smells. What
does Hyundai's logo look like? I can't fuckin' remember. On the othter hand,
the smell of freshly baked bread is unforgettable. Or Natwest? The bank with
black and purple headers and footers on it's press or the bank that serves
wild mushroom risotto with rocket and permesan?
8. Children are really gullible and education is underfunded, so pay to advertise in schools.
9. Invent a secret advertising language to exclude people and create a "brand
10. Send a brand-cyborg from the future back in time and get them to seed our
destiny via Facebook.

PLEASE NOTE: The future is bright. The future is Orange. This does not affect your statutory rights.

1 comment:

pisspoorenglish said...

You have been busy blogging haven't you. That clown porn is horrendus, though makes a salient (hang on just check what that word means) point methinks.

Anyhow, more importantly, you're gonna miss my moustache day on Friday. We'll get a photo for you.