Calm down dear. It's only a commercial.

Shit. I've just remembered this blog's meant to be about advertising.

Eh. No. -Hang on. No it's not. This blog's about me. Duh!

Oh, thank Christ for that. For a minute there I thought I was one of those ludicrous, poe-faced planning blogs that say things like "Just bought some shoes. Such a simple idea. If only more brands were as simple as shoes" or one of those tedious industry/agency blogs that has more comments than content (ie. fawning undergraduates asking for jobs).

No, this blog's just about me saying exactly what I want, when I want. I said "nigger" the other day. And in the past I've even said "cunt" (although I say that a lot in real life too). I can say whatever the fucking flip I like. Cos I'm God here, right, yeah. Look. Here's a picture of some "Clown Porn".

What'dya make of that, eh? Eh? Eh!? Apparently LOADS of clients read my blog so they're gonna be really shocked to know that the people who make their advertising swear and have access to rude pictures. In fact, they're almost guaranteeed to take their business elsewhere. Because god forbid anything as conservative and demure as advertising should be tainted by something as radical and freethinking as the internet.

Oh my god. I've just shit my pants. Like, there's poo all over the place. Good job I'm not in the office. Or am I? As a reader you'll never know. As we speak I could be smearing my own shit all over the face of my creative director and weeing on your brief, laughing. Or I might just be working quietly at home, spinning you yarn to make you smile. Or think.

Sadly, our own industry is killing industry blogs due to a perceived conflict of interest. If you happen to run an advertising agency and feel that blogging poses a risk to your business, I suggest you go and work in an industry you actually understand. Or better still go and be a housewife, where you can while away your days being as hopeless and neurotic as you like. Clients no more read blogs like this than agencies turn work down because they don't fancy the job.

See, the brilliant thing about a blog is that anyone can set one up. It's easy. You don't have to get people to say things for you - you can say them yourself. It's about you speaking directly to your audience.

Don't agree? Then go get your own fucking audience instead of stealing mine, dickhead.

And the moral of the story? Well, calm down dear. It's only a blog. My penchant for queer-bashing and cattle mutilation is far, far worse than anything I could possibly say here about the industry.