How to write a TV script

Writing brilliant commercials for televisions, cinemas, and internets is easy. Christ, any Womble can do that! But writing a script you can actually sell - or at the very least explain- to your client is a very different kettle of fists.

However, very luckily, the following followings will help you create the kind of bland, unambiguous scripts that the unsophisticated young men who now run their father's business can understand first time. Which is to say, without having to blink or move their lips when they read it to themselves.

So. First of all, always start your script with "Picture of the product." Never say "shot" or "close-up" or anything faintly jargonistic. This isn't Hollywood. Just say "picture", since you never know where the client's comfort zone may lie. As there's a real chance he/she may never even have seen an advert before, you
really don't want to be running before they can crawl.

Secondly, never include anything other than the product itself and how much it costs. If you're the type of pretentious creative who feels the need to introduce the price separately (ie. after the picture of the product has been on screen) have the client's carer put them to bed significantly earlier the night before. Nervous exhaustion can easily kill a cosseted simpleton like the client. And if they die, so does the account.

Finally, as the client will never ever invest any significant time, effort or money in producing a television script, neither should you. Just show them a piece of paper with a description of their product and the correct price written on it and leave them be.

Always remember: this kind of rehabilitation takes time.

NEXT WEEK: Explaining a website through physiotherapy