Oh Lord, Please Do Not Burn Us...

It's official: there is no God. If there were, I wouldn't be feeling as shit and ill as I do now. I'd be leaping around singing "hallelujah" (the Leonard Cohen version, obviously) and giving thanks.

But that'd be silly wouldn't it, all that dancing and singing. It's all just a bit -you know- weird isn't it, that "religious" stuff. A man in the sky with an indestructible son and a virgin mother? Ha! I mean, it's a crackin' yarn but we've got telly nowadays, haven't we. I guess it's a bit like the theatre is'nt it, "religion", or the opera - something that's a bit quaint and anachronistic that only repressed, pretentious people have an interest in. It's quite popular at the moment though "religion", because it gives people the sanctimony of hindsight when things goes wrong. Oh, and you can defer all responsibility to your Great Zargox in the sky or whatever the fuck he's called.

No, come to think of it, "religious" people are the worst people in the world with all their snotty finger-pointing, funny dancing, and shit music. Which is why it's great to see good old Scamp's offered to help out the atheists with their proposed London bus campaign. Not only did it need a bit of professional help because the original line was feeble, but I've had great fun all morning watching the comments section deteriorate into shitty, partisan squabbling.

Scamp's taking suggestions from the floor so if you fancy a fatwa on your head be sure to have your tuppence worth. It's a crackin' brief actually, but I'm just too misanthropic to be a proper humanist. My idea was to have two aliens in a spaceship, with Earth on a monitor in the background. One of the aliens is reading the Bible and saying "Aww, how cute they still believe this superstitious bullshit!" And the other one says, with a tentacle on the button "Ha ha, yes! Let's destroy them all!" Or a church with a dinosaur squeezed into it and it's head sticking out the bell-tower and it's tail hanging out the window and the line "Atheism: It's the dinosaur in the room"...

...Or a gravestone that says "R.I.P God - it's what He would've wanted" and post his obituary in all the newspapers: "God. Dawn of time - 2008. Metaphorical creator of the universe, worshipped by billions, died suddenly after a long battle with reason and logic. He leaves no family because he wasn't actually real, and will be commemorated with a lavish and outdated ritual, after which we can all get on with choosing a new Dr. fucking Who. "