Christmas Survival Kit

Stigmatic at the thought of having to boil your turkeys? Then stem the bleeding with my helpful Christmas Survival Kit of things. Simply assemble them in a single, always-at-hand location and you too can avoid those common seasonal pitfalls such as botched suicide and freezing to death in a doorway. So, get your kit out for the lads and let's make this the least harrowing Christmas on record! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, said the reindeer etc.

1. WINE GLASSES:

Special glasses for wine.

Prices may vary.

2. BUMPER GIN:

Dry, vintage - it doesn't matter. Just make sure it's bumper!

3. PORN:

Whatever you're into this time of year, get something much stronger than usual.

4. PETS:

Pets are really good this time of year, reminding us just how humble and hairy the Baby Jesus actually was.

All of these products are available NOW in shops all around Britain TODAY! Why not buy them and have a boozey porno-petting Christmas "yule" never forget!