-Robert, I need a bigger rape scene. -Ok, ok. But only if we turn your dick into slime before she kills you. -Ok, cool.

I've just watched Planet Terror... or was it 28 Weeks Later...? Hard to tell. I haven't had as mixed feelings about a film for ages. Blimey.

Ok, so it was a thousand times better than it's Grindhouse counterpart (Tarantino's ersatz Benny Hill tribute Death Proof... actually, I've just typoed that as Death Poof, which would've been miles more lurid...) However, I need to rant about it because -well- he's in it again, isn't he. (Who?) You know- him. Him! That lantern-jawed, squirrel-eyed, movie-mong, shylock twat: Fucking Tarantino.

So there I was, watching all the zombies and doing a bit a of a yawn, then smirking a bit at Tom Savini being in it, and I was actually beginning to buy into it for a moment. But, then I realised that all the dialogue was the same as Sin City anyway and all the faux movie-trailer film-within-a-spoof-film stuff wasn't anywhere near as sophisticated as -say- Kentucky Fried Movie. So I squirmed and squrimed a bit more trying to figure out what was wrong with it. And I realised that Planet Terror's bullshit level is just too high.

See, it pretends to quote, parody, pastiche and hommage stuff like the Troma studio and all those 80's Linnea Quigley movies. It even pretends to laugh along with the audience but actually, deep deep down it desperately just wants to be John Carpenter film. It's even got it's own Carpenter-esque mono-theme soundtrack. So, for a vanity project, it's all very, very bashful indeed. Why be so coy about liking Carpenter? I mean, he aint shit is he.

So, obviously this dichotomy is why they decided to gift wrap it in dogshit and give Tarantino his own rape scene.

"Come on, Quentin. It's practically your film. Why don't you play a part?"
"Do I get the girl?"
"Sure you do."
"How do I get the girl?"
"Well, during the course of the movie, you kinda fall in love. She doesn't like him at first but-"
"No. I mean how do I get the girl?"
"I don't understand?"
"I mean how do I get her? Do I tie her up or kick her or... what?"
"Erm. I dunno. I guess you kinda charm her."
"With a knife, right?"
"Um..."
"Or a gun. How about I stick a gun up her cunt and call her a bitch?"
"I don't think that's really what we-"
"Cool! I fuckin' love being the producer!"

If you want to watch something that's knowingly dreadful, dumb and fun, watch the original source material instead. Sorority Babes at the Slime Bowl-a-Rama for example, or Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. They're exploitative, sure, but I don't ever recall the producer writing in his own rape scene for fucksake.