A Sexual Fantasy Involving Cheryl Cole

Hi there everybody/one. As many of you will know, when I'm not writing award-winning transmedia marcomms collaterals and that, I like to write spontaneous sexual fantasies involving celebrity women.

Today's fantasy involves tear-stained Geordie trollop, Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy), who entered my mind in much the same I would like to enter her - ie. very suddenly.

CHERYL: Ooh, ooh, John, it's me, Cheryl. Can you hear me?

ME: Is that you Cheryl? Cheryl? WTF!? Where are you you?

CHERYL: I'm up here babe. In the air-conditioning pipe.

ME: Wha-? But -? Are you ok. Cheryl? Is everthing all right?

CHERYL: I'm fine darlin', but I'm completely naked.

ME: Naked? In the air condition pipe. Are you taking the piss?

CHERYL: No, honestly, John I'm serious.

ME: Don't mess me about you tart. How did you get up there?

CHERYL: I was drying me hair.

ME: A likely story.

CHERYL: Honestly. Please John, you've got to help me (she begins to sob) You've got to believe me.

ME: How do I know it's really you? I can't see your ID.

CHERYL: Erm... See that small inspection vent above you..? I'll poke me tit through it and sing you a Girls Aloud hit.

ME: Ok. Smashing. Cheers. (she starts to sing)

CHERYL: How's that for ye?

ME: To be honest, I can't really tell if it's you without the backing vocals. It's a gorgeous tit though.

CHERYL: Thanks babe. Dya want to see the other one?

ME: Aye.

CHERYL: Eee, fuckin' hell that's a bit tight...

ME: Don't struggle. I get the idea.

CHERYL: No, I want to show ye me other big tit.

ME: Cheryl, mate, it's fine. Honest. And anyway, I better be off now.

CHERYL: Oh, ok then. Well, don't let me keep ya or owt.

ME: Cheerio then. Hope you're not stuck too long.

CHERYL: Me neither. I'm randy as a fuckin' tramp now.

ME: Oh well, can't be helped I suppose. Bye bye then.

Quiz Time

Here's some wordy-puzzling fun for the visually impaired. Enjoy.

10 Better Ways to Make a Living than Copywriting

1. Sucking off lepers for cough sweets

2. Scraping piss off bog seats with a razorblade

3. Farming sheep in Siberia

4. Being a really fat postman

5. Crocodile tester

6. Freelance flag ironer to the Queen

7. Nick Griffin's practice gollywog

8. Giving out The Metro on Sundays

9. Semi-pro blindfold jackal rapist (an illicit North African bloodsport)

10. Cleaning the cups at McCann's

A History of Ad Agency Websites: Module 1.0

Welcome to this introductory module entitled A Hitory of Ad Agency Websites. This course is designed to give an overview of the core theories, trends and motifs of this fascinating new area of study.

Critics may argue that the history of agency websites is simply the history of web design. However, even a cursory study of the subject reveals this simply not to be the case. Many agency websites are barely up-to-date, let alone cutting-edge. And it is here that academics have begun to thrive - within the ironic disparity between businesses which purport to be creative, dynamic and adept communicators, and their websites which are often clumsy, derivitive, and duller than an old nun's knees.

Ad agency websites fall roughly into 4 different categories. Crucially, these categories are not chronological or periodic. In some cases, certain creative elements (or motifs) have become so cliched and prevalent over time as to warrant their own category. Like here, our first example.

Category 1: Pens & Paper
Probably the most boring, obvious and overused creative idea in the entire history of agency webites, the pen/paper device is an attempt to illustrate HOW FUCKING CREATIVE PEOPLE WORK YEAH! short of setting fire to a tie and pissing on it. Early exponents of the pen/paper motif were AMV BBDO, whose old site featured an animated hand drawing things on post-it notes. Here, the pen or pencil represents a sort of " big ideas cock" with creativity spurting out the end. Leo Burnett also use a pen/spaffy handwriting motif to denote their creativity, whilst Iris are currently running some predictable hand-drawn-on-a-whiteboard animation to describe their advantages. Some cute, regional, and equally hackneyed examples of Pen & Paper mis-use can be seem here, here and here.

To be continued... [Next time - Category 2: Swirly Shit]

The Baby Seal's Tears are Shaped like the Sole

INTRUCTIONS FOR USE: Watch video. Laugh at observations. Cry at awful truth. Unsuitable for graduates and people allergic to Americans.

Brokeback Pudding

Matthew Walker Christmas Puddings? Never heard of 'em until I caught this beauty last night.

The best Xmas ad so far? Or the best portrayal of an awkward homosexual relationship since Brokeback Mountain? Either way, it brought a big fat smile to my misery-chops. Not sure whether it was the acting, or the fruity looking turtle-neck that did it.

Anyway, here's two senile old queers talking about puddings. Stuck in his chimney, indeed! Genius.

Advertising Feature

Why Not Become a Freelance Copywriter?

Welcome to the Copywriters Bureau - the home study course that helps you get briefs.

As a freelance copywriter you can earn money writing the shelf-wobblers, spam emails, catalogues, and small print that designers can't be trusted with. Earning your share can be frustrating, erratic and financially crippling.

To help you succeed we offer you:

A first-class home-study copywriting course written by another freelance copywriter
Expert personal guidance on going overdrawn
Advice on chasing invoices
Guidance on HOW TO SELL YOUR WRITING to people who probably won't read it anyway
Full refund guarantee if not successful (which you won't be)
7 year trial

Success Stories

Albert Cortisone, Shittocks Fob, Dorset

I've always enjoyed the many advertisements I see around me since my wife died. So writing my very own seemed like a happy thing to do. All of my hats go off to the Copywriters Bureau who gave me the courage to find the correct tone of voice for our village website, and for the £125 the parish council paid me out of court.







Paella Foreskin, Crisis Upon Avon, Warwicstershire

I'd never heard of copywriting before. I thought it was something to do with the law, or a slang term for a sexual assault. But only the other week I got a call from a recruitment agent who said they could get me £65 for copywriting a radio advert for a car dealership. Natually, I said yes. That was a fortnight ago, so watch this space!





Hordak Monroe, Blacktwat, North Yorkshire

Thanks to the tenacity of the Copywriters Bureau, the money I've earned from copywriting in the last 6 years wouldn't pay for a rat's funeral. My wife's just left me, and I've now resorted to dancing topless behind the Truck Stop just to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I did manage to get my book in at McCanns 2 years ago - something which could never have happened before my fruitless obsession with advertising began, and my involvement with the Copywriters Bureau.