Advertising Feature

The Working Class Sofa Company's sale status-light is currently flashing "On!", which means huge savings on all of our horrible looking sofas like this cream coloured thing here.

No one else offers a more extensive range of poorly made, oddly proporationed sofas.

We can dwarf or dominate any modest living room or conservatory.

Plus, all of our sofas are ideal for smoking on.

With 0% finance available to dog owners, there's never been a better time to buy a massive white leather corner unit to squeeze into your dingy, dusty front room.

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Love the internet? Love to chat? Then join me, Michael Parkinson, for the very best in online chat with my very own app from Facebook.



The Parky App from Facebook lets you and your friends wax lyrical about your life and times in a relaxed and informal atmosphere before a live audience of millions. Dispense your very own wit and wisdom in response to some of the most famous questions from my 40 odd year career. Questions like:

"What kind of a man was Muhammed Ali? - or Cassius Clay as he was known then."

"You've always been frank about your struggle with drink over the years, but is that something you now regret?"

"Tell us about your new book."

Ask friends to rate your raconteurmanship on a celebrity scale of 1-5:

1. Meg Ryan
2. Jamie Cullum
3. Sean Connery
4. Billy Connelly
5. Peter Ustinov

Create memorable line-ups and witty banter by inviting up to three other guests to you "in the studio". Choose friends from your social network or from a stock of charming A-List celebrities, including:

Roger Moore
Goldie Hawn
Tony Curtis
Kenneth Williams
Clive James

Why not take light-hearted detours into a range of my favourite subjects, including:

Yorkshire cricket
Jazz music
1960s Fleet Street

The humorous interjections, sparkling repostes, and bon homie just never ends with the new Parky App from Facebook.

Advertising Feature

Looking for a new kind of creative agency? Then cut out the middleman, and work with a bluesman.



The BB King Agency is a 30 strong team of creatives who sound and play just like BB King. No suits. No prima donnas. And no uneccessary drum fills. By cutting out the middleman, you get faster decisions and more Blues for your budget.

Call the BB King Agency now and see how the Blues can influence your business.

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Can England go the distance? Will they be "on a roll"?

With The offical England World Cup 5m Tape Measure from Stanleythe answer is (quite literally) YES!

(Actually, I didn't make this one up. Wish I had. But I didn't. You can get yours here. Become the envy of the scaffhold or something).

I wonder if they do England hammers?

Advertising Feature

From the people who brought us the Twitter Glove and the Linkedin Business Garter, comes the ultimate in social net-wear.

IntroducingThe Facebook Mood Belt

38 inches of high quality full-hide leather you can synch to your Facebook status anytime and anywhere.

Feeling sad? Then let the whole world know by tightening it up a notch and posting an image of it to your profile page.

Maybe you enjoyed the party last night? Well, just loosen it off and update your status.

The Facebook Mood Belt's patented adjustable notch system offers a compelling metaphor for your innermost thoughts... in real-time! Live life though your belt and create a fascinating glimpse into your emotional state that'll become the talk of all your friends... AND THE INTERNET!

"Whoargh. Fishfingers for tea tonight. Down two I'd say!"

"I feel so ashamed... I should've worn it tighter."

"I wish he loved me... I must be punished with an extra-notch!"

"Job interview today. Time to take up the slack... Raaaarrrr!"

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Ladies. Are you fat, frumpy, and faded? Then insert a bit of sparkle into your life with... Gok's Fashion Fist!

Join TV homosexualist Gok Wan as he travels the length and breadth of the country, performing extreme gay sex-acts on British housewives with low self-esteem.

"I was gobsmacked," says Judith from Stockport. "Being anally penetrated by a gay man on television has given me back the confidence I yearned for. Thanks to Gok, I'm now back at school doing a physiotherapy course one night a week."

"After 20 years of marrige to a cruel lorry driver from Hull," says Karen, "my body image and dress sense had taken something of a downturn. But being feltched and violated by Gok and 3 of his black friends on a catwalk in the Trafford Centre has lifted my spirits, and compelled me to try out new hairstlyes."

"Four hours a week on the end of studded leather gauntlet, and I've already dropped a dress-size! Thank you Gok!"

Gok's Fashion Fist, 8pm, Wednesdays, C4

Coming Soon

From the producers of Transformers, The Dukes of Hazzard, and the forthcoming A-Team movie comes the small-screen adaptation you've all been waiting for.

They said it couldn't happen.

But this year, it's finally time to say "Good night from me..."

And it's a good night from... HIM!

This summer, Matt Damon and Russell Crowe are...

[BIG EXPLOSION]

The Two Ronnies!

[CUT TO: Hardware store]

CROWE: Hey, could I get some -uh- fork handles?

DAMON: Sure thing, sir. No problem. Here ya go. 1...2... 3... 4 candles for you sir.

CROWE: Whoa whoa wait a goddamn minute. Now what the fuck is all this shit?

DAMON: These are the -uh- candles you asked for, sir.

CROWE: Candles? Candles!? I didn't ask for no freakin' candles. What!? Are you freakin' deaf or something? Watch my fucking lips motherfucker - I said fork. Handles, moron. You dig?

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

DAMON: Oh, jeez. Sorry man - I thought you meant - you -

CROWE: I know what you thought you piece o' shit. Now you gonna go get my handles, or you gonna stand here like a wise ass motherfucker.

Advertising Feature

Infested by sharks? Swum with a dolphin that wasn't your fault?

Call Maritime Lawyers 4U on 0800 YO-HO-HO, and let our seasoned crew of salty sea-licitors ferry you out of the deepest waters.

With over 35 years at the helm, we specialise in:

Keelhauling
Swashbuckling
Cutlass indemnity
Cannon fire

What our clients have been howling into the wind about us:

"Thanks to Maritime Lawyers 4U I recovered 100% of the cursed treasure I thought I'd lost forever."

"Having had my leg blown off in a naval battle, I thought my sea-faring days were over. But after speaking to me hearties at Maritime Lawyers 4U, I was entitled to a whole barrel of rum and 5 men to hold me down screaming as they tore the stump away and fitted me up for wooden replacement."

If there's no wind, there's no sea. So come hell or high water, we'll get you whatever you deserve at Maritime Lawyers 4U.

Advertising Feature

With a broadcasting career spanning nearly 50years and a CV that reads like a Who's Who of current affairs and that, booking the right Esther Rantzen for your charity, TV appearance, vox-pop, voiceover, panel show, or info-mercial can be a complete fucking nightmare.

But now ComparetheRantzen.com lets you find the right Esther Rantzen, quickly and easily.

With ComparetheRantzen.com, you can browse hundreds of Esther Rantzens and find the right one for you.

Don't deal with expensive talent agents or booking fees.

Save yourself time as well as money and visit ComparetheRantzen.com - the No. 1 consumer champion comparison website!

"Voted 5/5 in Which? Rantzen Magazine"

All I Want For Xmas

Introducing Brass Hero: The Cor Anglais Edition the hardcore brass and woodwind simulation game.

Play as all of your favourite trad ensemble intruments as well as your favourite period and European horns. Including:

-Cor Anglais
-Serpentine
-French Horn
-Flugel Horn
-Bass Clarinet
-Tuba

Features 25 cornet solos and over 60 traditional Polish wedding mazurkas!

Coming Soon: Ultimate Band Leaders - Glen Miller Deluxe

Advertising Feature

Why Not Become a Freelance Copywriter?

Welcome to the Copywriters Bureau - the home study course that helps you get briefs.

As a freelance copywriter you can earn money writing the shelf-wobblers, spam emails, catalogues, and small print that designers can't be trusted with. Earning your share can be frustrating, erratic and financially crippling.

To help you succeed we offer you:

A first-class home-study copywriting course written by another freelance copywriter
Expert personal guidance on going overdrawn
Advice on chasing invoices
Guidance on HOW TO SELL YOUR WRITING to people who probably won't read it anyway
Full refund guarantee if not successful (which you won't be)
7 year trial

Success Stories

Albert Cortisone, Shittocks Fob, Dorset

I've always enjoyed the many advertisements I see around me since my wife died. So writing my very own seemed like a happy thing to do. All of my hats go off to the Copywriters Bureau who gave me the courage to find the correct tone of voice for our village website, and for the £125 the parish council paid me out of court.







Paella Foreskin, Crisis Upon Avon, Warwicstershire

I'd never heard of copywriting before. I thought it was something to do with the law, or a slang term for a sexual assault. But only the other week I got a call from a recruitment agent who said they could get me £65 for copywriting a radio advert for a car dealership. Natually, I said yes. That was a fortnight ago, so watch this space!





Hordak Monroe, Blacktwat, North Yorkshire

Thanks to the tenacity of the Copywriters Bureau, the money I've earned from copywriting in the last 6 years wouldn't pay for a rat's funeral. My wife's just left me, and I've now resorted to dancing topless behind the Truck Stop just to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I did manage to get my book in at McCanns 2 years ago - something which could never have happened before my fruitless obsession with advertising began, and my involvement with the Copywriters Bureau.

Advertising Promotion

Introducing We Love Websites! - the NEW magazine for people who love websites!

BROWSE 120 glossy paper pages of your favourite sites, apps, blogs, search engines and form fields.

INTERFACE with exclusive interviews with the men and women behind your favourite bits of the internet.

SEARCH the contents page for articles and images within the magazine.

Issue 1 comes with a FREE beta version of We Love Websites! #2.

PLUS each issue comes with a beautifully illustrated, hand-rendered lithograph of your all of your favourite websites past and present. Build your collection of classical website landing pages fortnight by fortnight, starting this week with Alta Vista.

We Love Websites! The magazine that does exactly what it says on the toolbar!

Advertising Feature

Hi, I'm Lorne Spicer. You may have seen me on the television, or heard my voice from across the living room.

If you're anything like me (ie. you are a "woman" of a "certain" age) you might not realise it but you've an increased risk of suffering from an empty vagina.

The Lorne Spicer "Gash-in-the-Attic" Femi-Bung has been specially developed to provide the most discreet female pleasure and comfort on the market/bootfair.

So if you're over the hill, and have a cavity to fill, just ask for "Gash-in-the-Attic". Available from: Boots, Wilkinsons, Dorothy Perkins and Halfords.

Lorne Spicer. THE name in affordable senior dildonics.

Ask in Store for Details

Are you thick, vane, and homosexual?

Then why not work in one of Manchester's many department stores, and make your snidey, hollow fantasies come alive!

Benefits include:

Weird fucking haircuts
Shit make-up
Dead eyes
Cunts at every turn

Soul Mates

Sensitive copywriter, 6ft, no sense of humour that time of day, WLTM fat, pretentious cunt in salmon pink shirt, waving iPhone in air like a baby, bellowing across Pret-A-Manger in Spinningfields at 7.30am about "Porches", "supercharged," "Uttoxeter" and some other bollocks about Cheshire Life photo shoots, for scowling, resentment, and facial stabbing.

Party Election Broadcast

Do you fondly remember the Great Wars of 1914 and 1939 when millions of British men were sent to their death? Perhaps you get glassy-eyed at the thought of steam trains, top-hats, handlebar-moustaches and cricket?

Then never has so little been re-imagined by so many.

On June 4th, The British Nostalgia Party will give voice to the false memory, hazy recollection and rose-tinted longing of England . Because the BNP is about people like you remembering stuff like what we do...

Great British stuff like Bovril and bulldogs; Toffee Crisps and Sid James... Eating a teacake with Neville Chamberlain infront of Michael Caine, or Tommy Cooper's diamond jubilee Spitfire. The day Barbara Windsor took one in the Falklands, as Princess Diana became the new Dr. Who. And who could forget Paul Gascoigne and Jack the Ripper winning Wimbledon during the Blitz, or the day that Queen Victoria played Wembley stadium... in a Mini Cooper.

These are just some of the things that Gordon Brown's progressive "iPod government" has systematically failed to recall. Through a policy of wistfulness and romanticism, the British Nostalgia Party is resolutely commited to the following:

-Legistaltion to maintain the number of Union Jacks on Oasis' albums
-Enforced Panama hats for clergymen
-Teaching of Kingsley Amis in primary schools
-Establish a national "Only Fools and Horses" museum
-Subsidised bunting for skinheads

Show your support for the BNP by displaying Del Boy Trotter in the window of your home, car, caravan or castle.

(sic)

The British Nostalgia Party

"Lest We Forget"

Advertising Feature

Please give generously.

Razzle-Bam-Perche

Cher Club de Caravane de pli de Braithwaite,

Mon nom est Paul Toppings (trompette). Et sur ma gauche est mon collègue et band-mate, Andrew Messages
(glisser-guitare/vibraphone/harmonica). Ensemble nous sommes Razzle-Bam-Perche - le duo de jazz-bleus le plus passionnant à émerger de Cumbria dans plus qu'une décennie.

Svp ; livrez-vous nous pour un instant, et hypnotisons-vous avec notre message de l'amour…

Pour lui est l'amour que nous prêchons, et l'amour dont nous parlons. Pour l'amour est notre première langue. Et car chacun sait, le Français est la langue de l'amour…

Nous avons réservé 4 nuits au pli de Braithwaite (débutant 22/5/09) et souhaitons réserver un parking durant la nuit additionnel pour nos invités le dimanche (24/5/09).

J'enferme un chèque pour £7.50 et une photo.

Attendre avec intérêt le plaisir exquis de votre hospitalité

Paul et Andrew (Razzle-Bam-Perche) xx

-----------------------------------------------------------

Tanslation:

Dear Braithwaite Fold Caravan Club,

My name is Paul Topping (trumpet). And on my left is my close colleague and band-mate, Andrew Messages (slide-guitar/vibes/harmonica). Together we are Razzle-Bam-Boom – the most exciting jazz-blues duo to emerge from Cumbria in more than a decade.

Please; indulge us for a moment, and let us hypnotise you with our message of love…

For it is love that we preach, and love that we speak of. For love is our first language. And as everyone knows, French is the language of love…

We have booked 4 nights at Braithwaite Fold (commencing 22/5/09) and wish to book an additional over-night parking space for our guests on the Sunday (24/5/09).

I enclose a cheque for £7.50 and a photo.

Looking forward to the exquisite pleasure of your hospitality

Paul and Andrew (Razzle-Bam-Boom)

xx

Kirstie's Homemade Galleon

I'm Kirstie Allsopp.

And if you're a busy mum like me, restoring a mid-17th century slave ship in time for your husband's birthday, can seem ever such a daunting task. Finding the time to phone mummy and daddy can be a com-pleeete... nightmare! But it simply needn't be.

In it's heyday, the Bright Phoebus transported thousands of Abyssinian slaves to the shores of Britain, bringing urgently needed footmen to our homes, and fabulous wealth to my ancestors. So sailing to Africa in period dress onboard the old family tub, seemed a perfectly fun treat for my husband's birthday.

In this series, I'll be showing you where to buy the finest silks and laces for your costumes, and how you can get 200 quality negroes to lie in the dark for a fortnight whilst you drink champagne above their heads for surprisingly little money.

In these times of doom and gloom, this program is all about doing it for yourself and making do with what you have... like doing the school-run in the old Bentley for a change. And if a loved-one dies, why waste money on a carbon-emitting cremation? Crack open the family mausoleum.

It really is so simple. Everyone can do it!

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