Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Twistlemoe & Brine



Seasonal greetings.

It's been a while hasn't it blah blah blah. How's your mother? We must get together for a drink soon.

Anyway, I've just done this for the lovely people over at Music.

I hope you enjoy it. With a mince pie, or a glass of sherry.

Meantime, may Santa block all your chimneys with joy.

xx

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

The Future of Advertising


(That bitter enough for you all?)

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Direct Marketing for Pheasants

Tapping into new markets is a ball ache for any brand. But with Britain's pheasant population on the increase, more and more businesses are seeing these beautiful, playful wild birds, not only as a target for their rifles, but also for their offline marketing activities.

PHEASANT FACTS:

-Pheasants have 60% more disposable income than grouse, partridge and ducks... put together!
-Pheasants are key influencers in many areas including flapping, fighting and flying into greenhouses
-High response (100% conversion rate on seeds, plums and grit)
-High response to seasonal promotion/activity (e.g driven mad by colours in Spring)

Brands already targeting pheasants include:

Unilever
Pets at Home
Argos
William Hill
Littlewoods
Heineken
Umbro

Once converted pheasants are loyal brand advocates, displaying repeat behaviour until death (usually Autumn). Next, chop 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic and pre-heat your oven to 180C. Season the bird and place in a large casserole along with the onion, garlic and bouquet garni. Add the juice and zest of an orange, and top up with enough red wine to cover the bird. Finally, cook slowly for 2 and 1/2 hours or until the liquid has reduced by half. Serve warm with roast vegetables and a full-bodied claret.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

First Draft Classic Ads No. 1: Yellow Pages

FIRST ATTEMPT

[AN ELDERLY, TWEEDY SORT OF GENTLEMEN ON THE PHONE]

MAN: Hello? Yes, I wondered if you could help me. I’m looking for a book called "Hartley's Illustrated Dictionary of Sexual Perversion"



You do! Oh, wonderful. Could you save it for me?


My name? Yes, it’s J.R [COUGHS NAME] .

SECOND ATTEMPT

MAN: Hello? Yes, I wondered if you could help me. I’m looking for a book called “Fist Fucking, by J. R Hartley”


You do! Oh, wonderful darling! Could you save it for me?

My name? Why, it’s J.R Hartley of course! [SQUIRMS WITH DELIGHT]

THIRD ATTEMPT

MAN: Hello? Yes, I wondered if you could help me. I’m looking for a book called "Fly Fishing, by J. R Hartley"


You do! Oh, wonderful. Could you save it for me?


My name? Yes, it’s J.R Hartley [WINKS AT CAMERA] .

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

The 10 kinds of owl Rupert Murdoch would be

1. Cunty owl

2. Sneaky owl

3. Mother fucking owl

4. Crimin-owl

5. Definitely not the sort of owl to have round kids or do a Disney film. More like those 3D armoured owls in what was that called again? film you know last year

6. An owl married to a graceful young ostrich from Hong Kong

7. The kind of owl that, I suspect, would get short shrift from Chris Packham and the BBC wildlife crew

8. The kind of owl that makes politicians shit their nests

9. An unwise owl! And whoever heard of one of those, hmm?

10. Wapping great bastard owl