Uncle Dave

I was discussing Dave Trott's blog with another writer today.

We talked about different line break techniques.



Like triple line spacing!!



And.



Single.



Word.



Sentences.



IN.


CAPS.


Or.



Maybe not.



For added impact.

Either way, we both agreed on one thing about Dave's blog, and that was the overall effect of reading it. I described it something like this:

First of all, you need to imagine being on one of those Guardian reader's holidays or days out you might have somewhere in the English countryside. It's bright and it's pleasant, somewhere on a Sunday afternoon and you come across this picturesque little church out of nowhere, and you suddenly think oh how lovely let's take a look inside, so you gently lift the sneck of the door hoping not to disturb anybody, before you both fall completely silent out of a deep, instinctive respect for the place as you proceed to peer and poke around the little altar and the beams and the stained glass windows for oooh a good 10 minutes at least, by which time you notice one of you is already waiting outside in the sunshine for the other one of you to ask "Anyway, fancy a pint?" because actually you're both the kind of modern atheist who couldn't give a shit about churches if you're honest, because you just find them quaint but ultimately quite hollow.

And that's exactly how Dave Trott's blog makes me feel.

Oh to be young again

Call me old fashioned, but I like nothing more than a nice big wank and a Lemsip when I get home these days. But on the other hand (figuratively speaking), if I were a soupcon more progressive, I'd doubtless be grooving on down to the latest internet phenomenon known as "I-dosing".

Oh sod it. Here ya go grandad.

(WTF!?)

Who's The Worst Agency in Manchester Then?

It's a damn good question. And one I suspect even The Drum can't answer. Not even in a 64page Worst of Manchester pull-out section special. So how will we, the creatives, ever know who is or isn't worth working with? Who's the wheat and who's the chaff? Or as they used to say around certain parts of Kirkby in the 80s, who would you "pop" and who would you "slash"?

My highly confidential, but not very discreet, confession box is now open. (Yes, that's me in my robes there, discussing some amends with a client). So sneak into the comments section and whisper your poison. No positives, no nice guys, and, no happy endings. I only want to hear about suffering and abuse. These people and organisations need to be named and shamed. If not to help the future generation, then to give me something to smirk about.

News from The Drum: Trott to sell off blog line-spacing to advertisers

The Drum's burnt fingers from hot-off-the-press stories correspondent: Kylie Dostoevsky

In a shit hot sharp shock-horror announcement, advertising legend David "Dave" Trott of legendary London advertising agency Chernobyl Stockhausen & Trott Creative Worldwide Advertising Plc. Limited, today revealed plans to sell off the trademark line-spacing on his blogposts to advertisers.

Trott, who's blog uses a double-line spacing device to frame every goddamn sentence in an attempt to lend weight to even the most banal remark, is read by literally billions of advertising types every second of the month. However, over recent weeks an intense bidding war has taken place as both CBS Outdoor and Google scrabbled for control of Trott's line breaks.

Whilst the exact terms of any deal have yet to be revealed, Trott did issue the following statement earlier today:

"Blogging's always been a huge part of my life.

Life Classes. Learn to draw. Click here

But now it's time to try something different.

Time Machine by H.G Wells. 50% off

I don't want to give away too much, but you're gonna see some big changes around here.

See the difference! Gain 4inches in just six weeks."

Experts predict that, based on the amount of space available, any sum of money Trott would make from the deal would be. Astro. Fucking. Nomical.

Sarah Beeny: Patron Saint of Advertising Creatives

For doth not a typical episode of the Venerable Beeny's "Property Ladder" program always go something thus:

PROPERTY DEVELOPER: Hello Sarah. Can you help me get a return on my investment? You know all about this sort of thing and whilst I have my own ideas/prejudices/presumptions about how I think it should be done, it really is best to get someone who knows what they're doing.

ST.SARAH: Cool. Well looking at it I'd say you really need to do XYZ to stand even the slightest chance of making a penny on this hair-brained investment of yours.

[SOME TIME LATER]

PROPERTY DEVELOPER: Hi Sarah. Well we've listened to your advice and whilst we appreciate all of your time and your expertise, we've decided to completely ignore you and replace the staircase with a helter-skelter slide because, well, I happen to like them.

ST.SARAH: Oh. Right. Well good luck with that one. Dickhead.

VOICEOVER: Since making the program the helter-skelter 9 bathroom bugalow is still on the market.

My fellow creatives, let us pray.

Who can I offend today?

If it's one thing I've learned from writing this blog, it's that most people only read it for the swearing, rude pictures, and half-arsed digs at that funny oh-ho-old industry we all know as "creative advermarketing design and digital". Erm, and I don't appear to have done much of that recently (swearing that is).

So, if nothing else but to boost the stats, here's a bit swearing, rude pics blah blah blah blah for your Friday.

Swearing

Fucky butty shit cats up your nanna's fucking party frock, cock eyes.

Rude Pictures

Here's a photoshoot from a 1970s French magazine depicting Adolf Hitler living in exile on a tropical paradise. Nice.



Work Bile
Oh, who am I kidding? I ruddy LOVE my job I do.

Especially on Friday!

10 Pet Names for my Blog

1. Bloggy chops

2. Bloggy Pie

3. Blogan's Run

4. Hootie and the Blogfish

5. Choc-o-Blog

6. Old Bloggers

7. Notorious B.L.O.G

8. Bloggernaut

9. Chip off the old blog

10. Blogodan Milosevic