Why No One Reads My Blog

This 'ere is Scamp's blog - the most popular advertising blog in the whole flippin world nearly. If your into ads and shit, it's where to hang out. It's got advice, opinions, insights. It's essential.

Oh, and it's completely biased towards above the line work. So if your precious enough to give a fuck about TV commercials and have cinematic pretentions, get your Michel Gondry loving ass over to Scamp's asap and join any number of febrile debates about greatest ever ads, directors and that kinda stuff. Personally, I didn't realise that that many people still cared about TV commericals, but that's obviously where I've been going wrong. I mean, I thought we were all meant to be new media digi-shit and anything in between. But no, received opinion is that big dumb TV ads are still the pinnacle of a creative's career.

But what the fuck do I know? Who am I again? Wake up and smell the Cadbury gorilla, John. Writing!? What dya think this is, the 1930's? Duh! No one fucking reads anything any more, mate. Has no one ever told you "we're visual beings*". People see petrol swirling on top of a puddle and think it's the telly these days. If you can't look at it or put your cock in it, no one's interested.

Fucking words, eh? Pah! You should be ashamed of yourself boy. Go and sit in the corner and wait for Scamp to track your link back and bollock you or something.

* Note to planners: this is known as "scopophila" - the love of looking. Put that in your Malcolm fucking Gladwell and smoke it.

A Helping Hand(job)

Bang. Bang. Bang. Boom. It's the sound of young creatives smashing their heads against the doors of the industry and blowing their brains out in frustration because everyone, everywhere wants a job in the creative industries. Well, everywhere except for London that is.

London, you say? Exactly. It's that tiny cultural wasteland near some water just after Birmingham that makes Sunderland look like the Vatican. Nothing good ever comes out of it - there's no industry or money there. It's like Zimbabwe. I mean, if your train broke down in London you'd be fucking furious, right. There's no galleries or bookshops, music or museums, restaurants or theatres. It's a bog. Or at least it was. Just look at this in Brand Republic this morning:

"LONDON [it's in capitals cos you might'nt have heard of it]- Golden Square in Soho yesterday hosted hundreds of school children from around London as culture secretary Andy Burnham [must be good for an MP to go to all that way] and M&C Saatchi founder Maurice Saatchi launched an IPA initiative to encourage a wider range of people into the advertising and creative industries. [Blimey.]

"More than 200 pupils from secondary schools across London [now that's diversity!] were invited to spend the day inside M&C Saatchi and the various creative sector businesses around Golden Square, including Absolute Radio, Clear Channel and Paramount Pictures."

Well, fuck me. That's just what London's been crying out for isn't it: more people interested in twatty media jobs. Genius. I mean, if shithole London's famous for anything it's its lack of middle-class arts based job opportunities. But this "creativity awareness" initiative for the most unsophisticated place on Earth is a blinder. Surely Britain hasn't seen such philanthropy since they abolished slavery. Whatever next - higher wages for beautiful women?

Thanks Maurice Saatchi. Sounds like London might finally catch up with the rest of us, eh.

ABOVE: Jonanthan King lookalike Maurice Saatchi invited 200 school children into his office.

Vote Now!

Poll's are quite popular on blogs aren't they. A nice bit of the old "user generated content" goes a long way, and I've never done one yet. So...

Should Kelly Brook have shown her tits on the new Sky Plus commercial instead of just hopelessly pretending to have an opinion about it? (If you haven't seen it, Kell's little off-the-cuff "I like Sky by me age 4..." vox-pop is about as casual as gay rape. Oh, and it's as horrible to watch too).

So. Yes or no? You decide!

Email usercontentalloverkellybrook@blogspot.com

Answers on a soiled postcard to "I Like Tits, Blogger.com, The Internet".

Meet The Brands

Aww, brands, eh. They're like people aren't they. Some of 'em are your mates, but most of them are scum. Like university freshers, they all reckon their different, but they all talk the same (yawn) pretentious bollocks as each other.

Advertising planners get all moist about brand "narratives" and "stories" - about a brand having a past and a future - a personality that can be drawn and expanded upon. That way, when a brand finally corners you at a party or gets stuck in a lift with you, it actually has something to say for itself. Trouble is though, most brands are shit raconteurs.

Here's a quick test: Imagine ITV's "An Audience With... Sir. Peter Ustinov" but instead of Peter Ustinov, replace him with Brand X. Then ask yourself if you think Brand X will effortlessly charm and dazzle its assembled celebrity audience, or if you think it'll bore them to death with a shit anecdote about a half-price sale?

Tone of voice is one thing, but if your brand story's told by a complete wanker it doesn't matter what they say. I keep having nightmares about being trapped in a lift with the new Muller commerical; listening to a deranged, psychotically happy mother burbling on and on about her child's health. That's just fucking weird, man.

Random Sketch

I dunno, maybe Greenpeace could use this or something...

[Two teenage girls on the phone. Split screen]

- Hello?
- Hi babes. It's me.
- Hey you.
- Listen. Just a quick one. Just wondered if you were coming to The Precinct tonight? Mark's gonna be there. And he's bringing his mate... the sack of coal.
- Oh my god! The sack of coal!? He's gorgeous.
- I know. And apparently his mate said he really likes you.
- You're kidding!? No way. A sack of coal doesn't fancy me..?
- Why not?
- Oh god he's so fucking lush though.
- I know . Don't tell Debbie though.
- Why not?
- Well, cos she's been after a sack of coal for -like- ages.
- Debbie's a fucking slag. She'd never go out with a a sack of coal!
- So you coming out then?
- Fuck yeah. Oh, god what should I wear though?
- Anything as long as it's not white.
- Yeah, you're right. He's meant to be a right dirty bastard.

The Howling Fantods

Ha ha ho he ha!

So yesterday we established that humour doesn't belong in advertising. But if it did it might look a little bit like this...

Fan's of David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest might recognise these automatically. (No? You mean I have to explain!? Oh, for fucksake...) A selection of ads put together by Wallace's fans, based/derived on/from his novel. If you haven't read Infinite Jest, then do so immediately you philistine fuck! Commercials play a massive part of it - for example much of the action takes place in November during the "Year Of The Depend Adult Undergarment".

Right. That's enough levity. Get back to your work. You can put Goldfrapp on for the clients but no fucking smiling, ok.

Public Service Information

For those of you too busy to read CERN's risk assessment of the Large Hadron Collider, try this useful and informative website.