2/10 For Creativity

Account managers - save time and disappointment by indicating exactly how much creativy and/or imagination your brief requires by using a simple 1-10 scale on your task documents.

For example: If you think you can execute the brief yourself, tick 1. If you think you can execute the brief yourself, but can't be bothered, tick 2. If the breif COULD be executed by you (and you've already ticked 2.) but requires no obvious creative input, tick 3. If the brief simply requires creative "attention" (for example, re-organizing extant source material within the brief itself) tick 4.

This system can easily be extrapolated all the way up to about 8. 9 and 10 should more likely be reserved for completing novels/paintings/symphonies and on the ladies.

Observations

When I'm at work I drink black coffee from a mug with Cliff Richard's face on it. (His face appears 4 times around the circumference of the mug). I drink quite a lot of coffee. This has less to do with Cliff Richard, and more to do with keeping my legs moving. Fortunately, coffee is also a dihoretic, which assures me a secondary opportunity to move my legs around.

Most of my day is spent looking at a screen, surrounded by lots of pieces of paper. Some of the papers have things I've written or drawn on them.

2 or 3 times a day, somebody (usually a young woman) will come and explain a task to me, which they would like me to perform. Some tasks are more difficult than others. Some tasks are discussed in excruciating detail. Some tasks are very poorly explained. Ideally, the task will be explained somewhere between the two, with detailed elements as well as vagaries.

There is always music being played here in the church. At the moment "Losing My Religion" by REM is playing out of a PA downstairs. Before that there was a song by Neil Diamond. When I arrived this morning, the Arctic Monkeys' first album was being played. Inevitably, The Beatles will be played at some point. And someone has just put fucking Feeder on...

I'm going to have to go and have words.

Staplerfahrer Klaus

First-day-on-the-job-nerves? It's the story of my fucking life. This one's dedicated to all you freelancers, nomads, and minstels out there (and you know who you are...)

Here's Staplerfahrer Klaus (Klaus the Forkliftdriver) - one of my old favourites. Here it is in it's original German glory (don't worry- it's easy enough to follow).

New Post

-Morning, Blog.
-Morning, John.
-How're you then today?
-All right.
-Just all right.
-Yeah. S'pose so.
-Did you watch the match then?
-What match?
-Dunno... some match or...somthing or... So what you got lined-up today then?
-Do us a favour mate, and stick the kettle on, eh.
-Blimey. Don't even say please.
-Oh fuck off, John. It's early.
-It's not that early.
-I said leave it, all right.
-Ok, ok. Jesus, Blog. I was only being nice...

A Futile Gesture

At least once a week I seem to get sodomized by a train. I don't mean properly up the arse or anything (that'd be stupid -duh!) I mean I get well and truly buggered-up by late running public transport.

Whilst it's customary to blame Maggie Thatcher, I also blame all the lazy, ignorant, fuckwitted, insect-people who operate the trains.

So. Next time the train's running late because you or one of your colleagues hasn't done what they were supposed to do, rather than burbling your illiterate, nonsensical explanation into a broken tannoy, why not just do something that's explicitly futile. For example:

- Release a dove of peace at all the stations affected by the delay

- Play "Shiny, Happy, People" over the tannoy

- Offer passengers one of your Lockets

- Hold a minute's silence

- Do a Tommy Cooper impression

Fancy A Pint?

Where oh-where, oh-where to find a quiet pub in San Francisco!? It's a nightmare.

But not anymore!

With Citysense you can find quiet (or busy!) pubs all over the San Francisco bay area just by fannying around with your Blackberry like a bell-end! It's the future!

Don't worry though lads - she'll still have to phone the landlord to find you!

Kick Me

I've been working at TBWA this/last week. It's in Didsbury. In a church.

Everyone's lovely. Maybe the chruch thing's rubbed off on them? Normally as a freelancer you get side-lined or ignored, or left out. You never really feel welcome anywhere. It's not like that here, though. Oh, no. Here they let me drink as much coffee as I want. It's ace!

But.

If anyone from TBWA's reading this (except for Pisspoor Paul - he's sitting behind me blogging about Cannes, so he doesn't count) do you think it's possible someone could bully me a bit or something? I'm not used to people being nice to me all the time. Maybe someone could keep spilling tea on me, or moving my chair? My desk faces the wall, but if anyone can find a way to glare at me a bit, maybe?

Sorry to disturb you all. Just pretend I'm not here. Feel free to spit on me if you like...