Content Flavoured Trousers

Twistlemoe & Brine

2011-12-20T09:26:00.002Z

Seasonal greetings.

It's been a while hasn't it blah blah blah. How's your mother? We must get together for a drink soon.

Anyway, I've just done this for the lovely people over at Music.

I hope you enjoy it. With a mince pie, or a glass of sherry.

Meantime, may Santa block all your chimneys with joy.

xx

The Future of Advertising

2011-09-13T23:16:00.001+01:00

(That bitter enough for you all?)

Direct Marketing for Pheasants

2011-09-01T11:12:00.008+01:00

Tapping into new markets is a ball ache for any brand. But with Britain's pheasant population on the increase, more and more businesses are seeing these beautiful, playful wild birds, not only as a target for their rifles, but also for their offline marketing activities.

PHEASANT FACTS:

-Pheasants have 60% more disposable income than grouse, partridge and ducks... put together!

-Pheasants are key influencers in many areas including flapping, fighting and flying into greenhouses

-High response (100% conversion rate on seeds, plums and grit)

-High response to seasonal promotion/activity (e.g driven mad by colours in Spring)

Brands already targeting pheasants include:

Unilever

Pets at Home

Argos

William Hill

Littlewoods

Heineken

Umbro

Once converted pheasants are loyal brand advocates, displaying repeat behaviour until death (usually Autumn). Next, chop 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic and pre-heat your oven to 180C. Season the bird and place in a large casserole along with the onion, garlic and bouquet garni. Add the juice and zest of an orange, and top up with enough red wine to cover the bird. Finally, cook slowly for 2 and 1/2 hours or until the liquid has reduced by half. Serve warm with roast vegetables and a full-bodied claret.

First Draft Classic Ads No. 1: Yellow Pages

2011-07-21T09:07:00.002+01:00

FIRST ATTEMPT

[AN ELDERLY, TWEEDY SORT OF GENTLEMEN ON THE PHONE]

MAN: Hello? Yes, I wondered if you could help me. I’m looking for a book called "Hartley's Illustrated Dictionary of Sexual Perversion"

…

You do! Oh, wonderful. Could you save it for me?

My name? Yes, it’s J.R [COUGHS NAME] .

SECOND ATTEMPT

MAN: Hello? Yes, I wondered if you could help me. I’m looking for a book called “Fist Fucking, by J. R Hartley”

…

You do! Oh, wonderful darling! Could you save it for me?

My name? Why, it’s J.R Hartley of course! [SQUIRMS WITH DELIGHT]

THIRD ATTEMPT

MAN: Hello? Yes, I wondered if you could help me. I’m looking for a book called "Fly Fishing, by J. R Hartley"

…

You do! Oh, wonderful. Could you save it for me?

My name? Yes, it’s J.R Hartley [WINKS AT CAMERA] .

The 10 kinds of owl Rupert Murdoch would be

2011-07-12T21:35:00.005+01:00

1. Cunty owl

2. Sneaky owl

3. Mother fucking owl

4. Crimin-owl

5. Definitely not the sort of owl to have round kids or do a Disney film. More like those 3D armoured owls in what was that called again? film you know last year

6. An owl married to a graceful young ostrich from Hong Kong

7. The kind of owl that, I suspect, would get short shrift from Chris Packham and the BBC wildlife crew

8. The kind of owl that makes politicians shit their nests

9. An unwise owl! And whoever heard of one of those, hmm?

10. Wapping great bastard owl

Careful down there boys. You can really smell the brimstone!

2011-07-05T21:57:00.005+01:00

BEFORE:

AFTER:

I wrote something very similar to this just last week

2011-07-05T21:52:00.000+01:00

It's Been a While

2011-06-23T13:25:00.003+01:00

Finally, finally finally, after being SO busy these last few weeks, months, years, I've just popped down to the canine rescue centre to visit my favourite golden retriever and advertising enthusiast, Goldie.

Here's what she had to say for herself.

How to get a job in Advertising: Part 3

2011-06-22T20:15:00.005+01:00

Where were we?

Ah, yes. Lesson 3: There is Truth in Advertising.

So you should maybe think about doing something like this. That is, if you aren't already doing it. Unwittingly, I mean. Which you probably are. And if you're not, you soon will be. Ripping it off for your grad show I mean.

That's how good it is.

Enjoy.

You can read Part 2 here., and here's Part 1 look.

Advertising Feature

2011-06-20T07:06:00.003+01:00

Hullo. I'm the Burger King's wife.

If you stare into my eyes for 5 minutes, I'll give you a free Whopper.

Stare at my buns for 5 minutes and I'll give you extra sauce.

Stare at my meaty flaps for 10minutes and I'll give you a dip in my boneless bucket.

Push my button handsome!

Happy Hour

2011-06-16T20:59:00.006+01:00

So I'm really, really busy.

What do you think about that then?

Nothing, John. Nothing at all. We're not here to listen to you bragging.

But I'm not bragging.

You know what we mean. You smug fucking tittins.

What's a tittins? And who's we?

You know. We, we, we. Us lot. The three fucking people who bother to read all this shit.

Oh. The ones who never ever comment. Ever.

That's us.

How come?

How come what?

How come you never comment?

[.....]

I'm shy too you know...

Bollocks.

Seriously...

Well, we're not shy at all actually. We're just...er...busy...

Like me?

No. I mean, we - All of us, we're...um... Oh, let's talk about something else.

All right. Like what?

Like your usual...bloody.... things. Taking the piss out of the ads...

And the agencies!

Oh, hello. Who are you?

I was just behind him. Reading what was going on.

Who? Me?

Yeah. Sorry I didn't mean to startle you.

That's all right. I just wasn't expecting anybody else to be here. Least of all you.

Eh? But I'm always here. When I'm not busy.

Not you, tittins. Him! Him behind us. In the bold font.

Hello.

Yeah, hi. So, um... Listen, I was just saying how busy I've been.

So I believe.

Which is why I haven't been blogging as regularly. But I've been working with some really fine folks...

How many times!? We're not FUCKING INTERESTED!!

There's all sorts of exciting things in the pipeline...

Whoa, whoa whoa there, hang on a minute mate. Erm... I'm not all that interested in hearing this either actually. Not at all in fact.

You see? Now get back to your swearing. Go on.

But -

But no! Tittins. You be irreverent, lad. It's what we expect. We can get all this mealy-mouthed "Oooh, it's an interesting time for me and the industry" stuff on Ben Kay.

Faggots.

Precisely. And the last thing you want is people thinking you might actually be good at this stuff. Let alone fucking care about it.

Oh... Right. Ok. So I'll just draw Bertrum Thumbcat then... giving himself a handjob or something?

Perfect!

10 Things You Can't Do Without the Internet

2011-06-10T08:33:00.003+01:00

1. Trigger political unrest at the flick of a Facebook.

2. Poke your own father

3. Email a man in Portsmouth

4. Stream footage of illegal fox hunt

5. Work at the BBC

6. Digitise a horse

7. Chat with online genitals

8. Enjoy your latest crazes

9. Go viral!

10. Write a blog post any longer than this

Advertising Feature

2011-06-03T09:34:00.004+01:00

Whoa, whoa, whoa what the fuck is all this shit?

Putting old Maxie up on the internet?

I'm fucking Max Bygraves, I am.

Do I look like I'm for fucking sale?

Put *me* on the internet and I'll put you in a fucking hole, sunshine.

I'll fuck you a new hole, in fact.

Where I can fuck right into your soul.

Fuck it right up.

Cos I'm Max fucking Bygraves, yeah.

Good night!

The Official BrandMaster Flash "Legends of Advertising" Play Mask No.2

2011-06-02T11:56:00.005+01:00

NAME: Robert "Junior" Senior

SPECIAL POWER: Intense stare, A-Level General Studies

FAVOURITE FOOD: Little bananas

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Mercy

FAVOURITE THING: "There's nothing like the smell of Ralgex in the morning."

BRAND MASTER RATING: Somewhere between Colgate and Pedigree Chum

The Official BrandMaster Flash "Legends of Advertising" Play Mask No.1

2011-05-25T08:56:00.007+01:00

NAME: David "Rodney" Trott

SPECIAL POWER: Double-line spacing

FAVOURITE FOOD: Sheaves of delicious wheat

FAVOURITE COLOUR: Hove

FAVOURITE THING: Paul Arden

BRANDMASTER RATING: Asda/WalMart

Due to the number of applicants, my head's too far up for own arse to reply to most of them

2011-05-24T14:12:00.004+01:00

Pressed for time here but -

We've all been there. You spot an ad for a job on an agent's Twitter feed, or one of those badly typed "latest opportunities" emails they send out, and you think fuck it, yeah, go on then, I'll have a stab at that. So, you fire your stuff over, along with, what is by now, your stock covering note, and you think to yourself, should be all right with that. Perfect match on paper. Phone'll ring any minute, in fact.

But no.

The phone never EVER rings in fact. Not from that recruitment agency anyway. Doesn't matter what the job is, where it might be, or whatever it might be doing, those fuckers never ever get back to you, and you have no idea why.

In my case, this is the problem I have with two recruitment agencies in particular. And I honestly do not know why. Whilst I'm the first to admit my work is pretty singular at times, its also got me into some very good agencies over the years so I know I'm doing something right.

I guess its like account handlers though. The best one's don't mind making the client work a bit to meet them halfway, and thrash things out in the process, whereas shit ones are so fucking precious about upsetting the client as to make them sound like some insatiable despotic omni-cunt.

I've heard some terrible stories about recruitment agents lately, so I guess what I'm saying is do please share them in the little box below.

Emergency Blog Post

2011-05-12T12:20:00.000+01:00

DIRECTIONS FOR USE:

APPLY ONCE DURING BUSY PERIODS.

FOR BEST RESULTS, PLEASE COMPLETE AND POST IN COMMENTS SECTION.

Hello ________________________ . I hope you are __________________ .

Gosh/wow/bollocks. Things have been really ____________________ recently, what with all the _____________ and the _______________ making us all feel/look/taste _________________ .

But in ____ news, I've discovered this brand new _____________ which I'd love to share with you all.

[insert you tube link]

I really ________ the _______________ , not to mention _____________________ .

Which reminds me. Thanks for all the offers of _________________ by the way. Me and _____________ absolutely _____________ .

Sorry this is a short blog post, only I've _____________________________ .

But check back soon for more ________________________________ .

Take _____________ and speak soon.

Lots of __________________

Mr/Mrs ______________________

On the Royal Wedding

2011-04-28T10:15:00.002+01:00

Blah balh blah balh balh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah OLD FASHIONED blah blah blah blah blahBlah balh blah balh balh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah balh blah balh balh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah CREEPY blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahBlah balh blah balh balh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah balh blah balh balh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah WEIRD blah blah blah Blah balh blah balh balh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah MORBID blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blahALWAYS THINK OF THIS WHEN I SEE THEM

Happy Easter

2011-04-23T13:38:00.002+01:00

10 Reasons LOVE Should Post This on Their Blog

2011-04-18T07:50:00.004+01:00

1. (Being the main reason) There hasn't been anything proper to read on there for nearly two full moons now.

2. That post about Ste's bag doesn't count. It's a bag. Not a blog. And we want blogs, not bags. Or at least some kind of happy medium where the bags and the blogs can put aside their differences and work together.

3. PLUS, didn't Saul Bass say good design was all about compromise or something anyway? No? Well he should've done.

4. I am massively nosey. So posting this on your blog would mean I could read it back to myself and pretend it was a genuine news piece from inside your agency, like "10 Incredible Things We've Been Too Busy To Tell You About", or "10 Reasons Why Ste Owen Uses the Park & Ride." Imagine that! And then I could tell everyone what I'd just pretended to read, and they'd all be like, whoa that sounds amazing, or who the hell is Ste anyway - that guy who smells of crisps? And I'd be like, dude just go and read it for yourselves, which they would, and your web traffic would be like, boooom, through the roof, metaphorically speaking, although a skylight would be cool wouldn't it. Especially if you're nosey.

5. Erm, I am the most powerful copywriter in Britain, and hugely influential. So an endorsement from a headline act like me could lend serious kudos to a "modest concern" like yours. There is no irony in my eyes when I say that, by the way. Only a feral, bloodthirsty stare.

6. It's got a helpful picture of a wasp in it.

(You're welcome).

7. I can be your first ever uninvited guest blogger.

8. Every time you don't update your blog, Death updates his (and gets 100 new followers in heaven).

9. We're old friends and it's a nice day. It'd be a nice thing to do (group hug guys).

10. I will remain a werewolf until then.

The Sound of Summer

2011-04-07T16:15:00.000+01:00

Naughty Mark Lawson by pseudocidalblog

Women Aren't Funny

2011-04-06T09:25:00.002+01:00

Tis a fact.

Girl's just aren't that funny.

Why? Well, Germaine Greer reckons it's because women don't have to be funny. Whereas blokes are expected to be funny. They'll compete with each other to be wittiest, cleverest, and most charming bastard at the bar. In fact, that's pretty much all males do for a social life: they sit at a bar with other men, and practise taking the piss out of each other. On the other hand, women are simply expected to stick their tits out when the men come in, and not talk about their womb too much. Right?

Wrong. Because blokes aren't really that funny at all in real life, are they. Get a gang of lads together and they'll turn into a pack of smarmy boorish bastards quicker than you can put your Audi A3 keys on the bar, and order 4 bottles of Peroni. Whilst the girls, far from exuding the demure supernatural charm of a goddess, tend to be quite plain, have big arses and leave shit all over the bedroom.

Which is why the new Ikea ad by Mother is absolutely 100%, bang on the bullseye's bloody nose when it comes to portraying the foibles of the sexes. Look.

And that's not the only brilliant thing about it.

Granted, there's a few clunky bits in there (the canned laughter, the staged audience, the fucking awful ninja joke) but these are simply the residual costs of capturing the excrutiating naffness of these men and women in such a hauntingly realistic way.

No, the real (if flawed) genius of these ads is the thinking behind them. Not necessarily the thinking that there's a conversation worth having about people being messy in the context of the kinds of storage they might use, because there isn't. That's an inherently boring, and circular conversation, even to a halfwit on Facebook who in all likelihood won't be buying storage solutions any time soon. However, the thinking that a TV ad can throw you into the middle of a narrative and leave you to figure it out for yourself without patronising you or squeezing your hand hysterically for 30 seconds is a pretty powerful idea we could all do to be reminded of.

So well done Mother for reminding us that an advert can be anything at all - even a fake TV show about some twats - and that a woman will never EVER be funny.

CHIP SHOPS 2011: Least shockingly juvenile profanity on a sexist re-make of an existing campaign

2011-04-05T10:46:00.007+01:00

Geeks!

2011-03-31T08:16:00.006+01:00

I don't live in New York, or have access to Sloan Fine Art. But thanks to Mrs. Internet I can enjoy these beautiful paintings of the kind of 70s computer geeks that probably created her in the geeky comfort of my own home, many thousands of miles away.

And so can you.

By the very talented Mr. Jonathan Viner.

News from The Drum: Shit agency's self-aggrandising wankpiece backfires

2011-03-30T08:50:00.003+01:00

By The Drum's usual correspondent, Possibility Throat

In a predictable yet oddly unsatisfying twist of events yestermorn, attempts by absolutely bloody awful regional agency, Corporaserve Catalogues, to make a public stand about something nobody gave a shit about were met with widespread derision by Drum readers.

The article, which bleated on about some shit like the amount of time that shit agencies waste chasing quotes from shit printers to serve shit, low budget clients, made some really obvious points about how Corporaserve might solve the trifling hardships of their shit agency.

Meanwhile, this was all done in lengthy, rather pretentious fashion in an attempt to appear dynamic and forward thinking on the off-chance that a potential client would be reading their shit article about a shit agency in a shit regional trade mag. But they weren't. The only people who did read it were the financial directors of other shit, regional agencies who had their own fucking problems anyway, and about a thousand frustrated creatives who have to work for shit agencies like Corporaserve and are sick to death of these cunts speaking on their behalf, like some embarrassing parent doing a comedy fart in front of their girlfriend.

Needless to say, a predictable backlash ensued within the comments section of The Drum. As anonymous creatives spewed hilarious and deserved insults toward Corporaserve's lazy publicity attempt, pious do-gooders came forward under their own names to say the same old mealy-mouthed bullshit about the state of the industry and saying how cowardly the creatives were for not putting their names to anything even though that would so obviously be a fucking stupid thing to do, since it's only the ever the bosses who name themselves on The Drum is n't it. Indeed, some of the bosses even went as far as publicly disagreeing with Corporaserve, but "totally respected their opinion" which was just a veiled way of admitting that they'd also said some pretty stupid shit in The Drum in the past, and were reserving the right to do so again.

Unfortunately, The Drum has received no reports of any sackings or suicides resulting from the backlash so far.

Look on the bright side...

2011-03-23T10:18:00.004Z

Dear Advertising,

I know I've been hard on you recently, mocking your incessant chatter and sagging breasts, telling you that you're slowly, sadly, turning into your shrieking fucking mother after all, or even worse - your fat passive aggressive sister with the mad bovine stare. But I only said those things because I love you, and I want us to be happy together.

So let's put those last few blog posts behind us. It's sunny outside. Don't think about those bad things anymore... Not even the embarrassing state of The Roses nominations. Think about the good things in life. Like A Hawk & Hacksaw. They're playing Islington Mill next month. Would you like me to take you..? You would! Great.

Oh, I love you Advertising! Just don't bring your mother.

How to get a job in advertising: Part 2 - Appendix

2011-03-17T17:16:00.011Z

Remember what I was saying about agencies developing "cultures" yesterday?

Well watch this and tell me that that is a good thing. Go on. Tell me. I'd say culture aint just ordinary at IAS. It's positively fucking banal.

How could they possibly think this was a good idea!? You want us to think your work is comparable to that of the Romans, an empire famously NOT BUILT IN A DAY, yet you only seem capable of spending -what?- 2 minutes preparing a "KnowHow" video about your expertise!?

Well, thanks for that guys. Thanks for driving yet another six inch nail into the gaudy, thoughtless, and weirdly pretentious coffin of what was advertising. You stupid, stupid, sad, horrible I don't know whats.

(Thanks You Know Who You Are for bringing this to my attention btw. Don't worry, they won't think for a moment it was one of their own employees ;-) )

How to get a job in advertising: Part 2

2011-03-16T22:25:00.003Z

So a couple of weeks back I did How to Get a Job in Advertising: Part 1 (you can read it here). The idea (as ever) was hopefully to make people snigger a bit, but also to question the motives not just of why people want to work in the industry, but also how they want work in the industry. Which is to say, how juniors/grads/creatives go about landing themselves a job. Do you blog, tweet, buy a checked shirt, join D&AD, make up scam ads, pull a stunt to get your book in somewhere, network, tweet, re-tweet your blog, blog about your mate's tweet, pull another stunt...? Because getting a job anywhere nowadays (even somewhere crap) seems to have become an almost endless juggling act of self-promotion; of appearing permanently connected and invaluable, whilst seeming potentially capable of the most unlikely, game-changing creativity at any given moment.

But can a creative ever really be everything to all men, and to all agencies? Especially as a graduate. That last sentence might sound flippant so first, lets have a wee history lesson.

The idea of a magic bullet-type, all-singing, all-dancing, all-rounder creative first appeared about 5 years ago - around the same time Web 2.0 caused everyone to become a "New Model Agency" overnight. "Digital convergence" suddenly meant that art directors who had spent years honing their eye for detail, crafting images, accentuating gestures, now had to widen their remit and plug a perceived skills gap in things like viral film making, and understanding how teenagers used MyBooks and Faceblogs. From now on our ideas would be crowd-sourced, and our creativity democratised. What is more, the roles within the new model were no longer going to be clearly defined. Since we'd all be collaborating with clients, the public, and each other, we needed to be flexible and nimble, ready to react to new challenges, and new audiences... But then, that was all just seeming and self-promotion too. Wasn't it? Because all the "new model" talk was just a big fat arse-covering exercise for an industry suddenly unsure of how a lot of new technology might pan-out.

So, in an uncertain market exactly who do you employ when you're not entirely sure of what it is you're meant to be good at anymore?

Cue the hybrid creative: a nebulous, jack-of-all-trades with a (nevertheless) hugely effective finger on the mysterious pulse of a fickle public. Part copywriter, part planner, part suit, web-designer, tattoo artist, film-maker, water colourist, pastry chef, and (inevitably) snowboarder, the idea of the hybrid creative doesn't just represent value for money, able to turn their hand to any new brief in any new media, they represent the ideological apotheosis of the new model: the ad agency no longer as a business, but as a culture, populated by the great creative minds of their respective Renaissance. And as agencies hedged their bets trying to recruit these Renaissance men and women to get them through the uncertainty, they simultaneously propagated the myth that these rounded, worldly individuals, with diverse interests (like snowboarding) where already within their ranks, as the very cornerstones of their new cultures.

But as the great sociologist Raymond Williams will tell you, "Culture is ordinary".

To be continued...

Cat Fucker

2011-03-09T12:45:00.005Z

Yeah, yeah, yeah everyone loves this. But they were bound to. It's W+K innit, the Man United of advertising. They do everything right don't they. Show you a good time. Make you smile, make you laugh, make you fee-al goooood. Not like those other ads. Singing their URL at you, making you feel dirty. Making you feel stupid. These guys treat you right, show you respect. You wanna hang out with them. Be like them...

Ooh, you love all this. Especially in ad land. Makes you all hot. Gets you all horny, looking at that Facebook page... Of a cat. What will you do it? Tweet it? Or poke it!? Yeah - go on! Poke that cat uhh! Prove how much you fucking love it, and poke that goddamn cat! Right on it's beautiful fucking whiskers...

(Gasp).

(Whimper).

(Sigh).

International Women's Day

2011-03-08T21:57:00.006Z

Something for the weekend

2011-03-04T10:19:00.003Z

Friday off?

Lucky you.

A long weekend and a day to yourself...

Bit of housework

Bit of toast

Bit of Facebook

Catch up with a friend

Or (that reminds me) family

Must phone your brother

Not seen him since... god, was it Christmas?

Mum's birthday soon

What you getting her?

Go for a meal?

She liked that place

Whatsitcalled

The one last year

I'll speak to dad

Or you can first

If I see him before you...

Anyway, got to dash

Nipping out shortly

Some bits and pieces

Bit of shopping

Bite to eat

Won't be long

Just nice to be out

Not stuck in work

Do your own thing

Nice big wank

Maybe a Lemsip

Wheel O'Muses

2011-02-28T11:57:00.007Z

Stuck for ideas? Got a grumpy creative director? Well fear not fair lackeys of the studio. For pure inspiration is but at hand with the Content Flavoured Trousers Wheel O'Muses!

Spin Dame Fortuna's glittering disc of chance and lay your creativity in the hands of whomever she lands...

YOUR MUSE FOR TODAY IS: Jackie Chan.

THEIR WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU ARE: "Herro blave warrier."

HOW MIGHT THEY INFLUENCE YOUR WORK: Doesn't/won't read english. Is small enough to fit inside a logo.

Fear Mongering and Loathing

2011-02-23T11:09:00.006Z

You could argue that a lot of advertising is made by cunts for cunts, but these two stinkers are particularly cuntsome examples of an increasingly popular genre of cuntishness.

For a start, what kind of a stupid cunt thinks newborn babies need cardiac facilities? Newborn babies belong on either maternity wards, or at home with their parents, erm, which costs nothing. Granted "she" might need an incubator if "she's" premature, but you'd have to be an even bigger cunt to pay 250m quid for just one of those.

Secondly, most people (soldiers included) would actually prefer our armed forces to be at home, safe and sound, where they don't even need bullet proof vests, you think fucking cunt. So again, money doesn't really come into it, does it. Dickhead.

I don't know what sort of daft cunt came up with these but they obviously have a warped view of the world, and they certainly shouldn't be running the country.

Well, unless we live in a country of complete and utter cunts that is.

National Hold a Child Aloft Day (2011)

2011-02-22T10:54:00.004Z

Just a few hours in, but here're some of my favourites so far.

Number Brunching

2011-02-21T14:11:00.005Z

This is doing the rounds today.

Someone in digital (who I actually really respect) said this was a great "commercial" for the iPhone, because it's had 4.5million hits on You Tube.

Personally, I couldn't even get through it once. But as our digital friends seem to think this is some seminal piece of advertsing, I thought I'd cue it up for a few repeat viewings/indepth study.

After all, 4.5million people can't be wrong can they.

The Friday Infographic

2011-02-18T16:11:00.003Z

Meet The Brief

2011-02-17T08:27:00.009Z

Hello. I'm your creative brief. Please read me very carefully before we begin. That way I will get the blame when things go wrong, and not you. Because I need you on top form, see. Not sulking at the client, like a teenager.

Think of me as a guiding spirit if it helps. But I'm not your muse, ok. That would be weird. Most muses are beautiful women, and I'm just a piece of paper.

If that analogy doesn't help, then at the very least respect me. I want you to do your best, and I expect you to challenge me along the way. But I'll always be your superior, and you'll always need my help. Like a father. So never ever piss off your brief. Or your dad, for that matter.

Finally, if there's anything else you need or don't understand, then for godsake just ask me, or your mother. The account handler.

Famous Last Briefs #2

2011-02-15T15:23:00.003Z

CLIENT: The British National Party

WHAT IS REQUIRED: Holograms!

Advertising Feature

2011-02-13T22:03:00.003Z

The Working Class Sofa Company's sale status-light is currently flashing "On!", which means huge savings on all of our horrible looking sofas like this cream coloured thing here.

No one else offers a more extensive range of poorly made, oddly proporationed sofas.

We can dwarf or dominate any modest living room or conservatory.

Plus, all of our sofas are ideal for smoking on.

With 0% finance available to dog owners, there's never been a better time to buy a massive white leather corner unit to squeeze into your dingy, dusty front room.

How to get a job in advertising: Part 1

2011-02-08T07:45:00.010Z

People often say to me, John -or rather, Mr. John- how did you get your first break into the ka-razee old world of advertising-brandcomms (with increasing emphasis on digital activity)?

Well, the answer I always tell them is really (very, very really) simple indeed.

Simple as a buttercup, in fact.

First off, as many of you will know from your checked shirts and Macbook Pros, advertising is really an extraordinarily conformist industry to work in. So the less dynamic, original, or singular you are, the greater your chances of finding a job in one of the bigger, blander agencies. After all, you want to work with like-minded people, right?

So. Do your homework. Find out what work other people are doing... and copy it. But don't be precious about it. There's really nothing in this game that hasn't been said or seen before by far more talented people than you, so the sooner you get that our of your silly, aspirational little brain the better. Remember, you are not creative. You are derivative. Just like all the other people who had exactly the same idea of going for exactly the same career as you.

(TIP: If you don't feel comfortable stealing other people's work, then your university lecturer and D&AD can help you steal other people's briefs instead).

Next, whilst you're busy imitating other people's work for your portfolio, you'll need to start networking - imitating the views and opinions of the people you'd ideally like to work with, and telling people/agencies EXACTLY the sort of things they want to hear. And thanks to social media, sharing other people's views and opinions, and passing them off as your own, is even easier than ever...

So why not take a few minutes to set up one of the many blogs praising (for example)the new Nike ad, or admonishing Go Compare? Meanwhile, you can ping, quote and retweet a whole rainbow of recieved opinions through the hollow prism of your Twitter account. You never know - say something flattering about an agency's work, and it might even get retweeted by the agency themselves! And let's face it - once you're in that feedback loop, you're as good as in there.

Aren't you?

(To be continued...)

How did the presentation go?

2011-02-07T12:15:00.000Z

[Boardroom. An ad exec and creative director are presenting their work.]

ECD: Hi, I'm Andrew Coldscreams, executive creative director at Cochlea & Ampersand Brand Communicatrices, and this is Kate Smells. Thanks for the oppotunity today.

So. Obviously when we were first approached by Hatland - Your Local Low Cost Land for No.1 Hats, to consider re-positioning the brand for a modern audience, two things immediately crossed our minds very quickly indeed. 1) Just exactly HOW do you reposition Hatland, Your Local Low Cost Land for No.1 Hats, as a credible high street retailer that resonates with all of our core target audiences, but without alienating our existing customers and stakeholders? And 2) How do we do that in the coolest and most lucrative way possible?

EXEC: To answer these thorny questions, Andrew and I spearheaded some intital market research, asking women with heads what kind of hats they most liked to buy...

ECD: These results were plotted on a huge board... However, we found that for the majority of women, hats just were'nt a significant part of their lives.

EXEC: In fact, women liked a lot of things other than hats. And lot of things a lot more than hats.

ECD: Some of the things we found that women liked seemed quite irrational. For example, whilst hats scored very well in the Positive Feelings category, so did things like Sellotape, camping, "nice drinks", thermostats, and chests.

Therefore, having taken this into account, and in order to distinguish Hatland from its competitors, our proposed new brand positioning is based on the following.

EXEC: Bascially, we reckon that every time someone says the name of your shop, the theme from Emmerdale Farm should play and a Red Setter should run round your legs.

ECD: Yep, fuck the logo. It's "old hat" anyway.

[And they all laughed happily ever after.]

Upon the Language of Television

2011-02-03T08:59:00.017Z

Look, I know it's been a while since I blogged. But, it's not you babe. It's me. Ok?

Anyhoooooo, I've been admiring Tim & Eric's stuff for a while:

There are just two things you need to know about Tim & Eric. One is that their comedy is born from that beautiful, almost supernatural place where men go solely to crack themselves up (a place most comics -including Peter Cook- wouldn't dare to actually map out, for fear of losing their way there all together). Secondly (and more to the point, Mr. Fucking Patience) is that they comprehensively understand the underlying, and inherent violence of television. Especially advertising.

For Tim & Eric, advertising is a particularly gruesome freak show. One in which ugly, obscure or unsavoury businesses claw, scream and puke their desperation at us from a delirious (and often hilarious) purgatory. In their world, advertising is little more than the futile plea of a lunatic; a madman shaking a geranium, as T.S Eliot cheerfully puts it. And as I'm particularly enjoying this extended metaphor, I'll go on to say that television itself, meanwhile, is their soiled, and rusting holding cage. In Tim & Eric we see TV advertising driven mad, not just by the crappy products and insincere endorsements of "Cinco", but by the actual form of television.

And that is very interesting. Because as anyone who as ever had to make a television commercial will tell you, just mention TV to a client and the agency walls will be smeared with eight shades of excrement before the brief's even been written.

God, I've not posted in ages

2011-01-13T23:58:00.004Z

Er, Happy New Year.

Sorry for not being here, but I've been doing wanky creative stuff you probably wouldn't be interested in.

Seems quite a bit going on generally, but ad-wise everyone's still trying to get their heads around Morethan Freeman, right?

Sigh.

Obviously there's a lot of confusion about this (I genuinely heard someone say "And he's not even black!" yesterday) so I thought I'd write a brief Wikipedia entry to help clear things up a little. Don't know how long it'll last up there, but I figured if we all muck in on it we might finally come to some kind of consensus on what is bloody obviously the first great ad of 2011.

Or maybe just the first great ad of January?

UPDATE: Within about 9 seconds of posting the Wiki aritcle I got a moderator notice telling me the content of the post was obviously a hoax and would be deleted if I didn't explain myself. My instinctive response was "Come one, you couldn't make this shit up!" Erm, but VCCP *did* make it up. Which I guess proves how unlikely an idea it is. So even if you hate Morethan Freeman, you've got to take your hats (and clothes, I'd say) off to the suits who sold it.

UPDATE UPDATE: Here's the now deleted Wikipedia entry I wrote:

The “Red Army returning to Moscow” is a quote from a British advertising campaign for the insurance company, More Than.

The campaign first appeared on television around Christmas 2010. The advertising campaign takes the form of a series of monologues delivered by a character called Morethan Freeman, a pun on the American film actor Morgan Freeman.

In 1994, Morgan Freeman played Ellis Boyd “Red” Redding in The Shawshank Redemption, a character whose wistful narration is marked by a sort of cute, homespun wisdom. This performance subsequently became synonymous with the actor.

Morethan Freeman’s monologues pay homage to this, both in their style and their execution (they are delivered by a Morgan Freeman impersonator).

The line “Red Army returning to Moscow” is one of a number similes coined by Morethan Freeman during the campaign, but which has no actual meaning.

The purpose of this line (and others like it) is to simply appear more profound than it actually is for the benefit of entertainment, and to poke fun at Morgan Freeman’s original dialogue.

Reception to the campaign so far has been mixed. Partly because of its somewhat esoteric nature, and partly because of lines, such as these, being misunderstood even by those who work in the advertising industry.

However, the fact that this entry now exists may be an early indicator of the impact this campaign is having.

For Christ's Sake

2010-12-14T21:54:00.002Z

How Research Works

2010-11-30T11:03:00.006Z

Of all the weapons in the marketeers gun cabinet, research is amongst the most comforting, second only to the one we may one day, inevitably, turn on ourselves.

For many years advertisers relied on little more than the well-informed opinions of experts to gauge the reception of their marketing activities; a process which led to almost universally successful advertising. However, as thicker, less dynamic people took over the marketing departments of businesses they had had no part in building, and therefore had no long-term commercial interest in sustaining anyway, marketers struggled to accept or (in most cases) understand the advice the advertising experts were giving them.

And so, research was born: the process of fool-proofing a decision by consulting as many fools as possible.

Here's how it works.

RESEARCHER: What do you think of this product?

HAPLESS FOOL: What product?

RESEARCHER: This new product.

HAPLESS FOOL: Never heard of it.

RESEARCHER: I know. It's new.

HAPLESS FOOL: Oh. Can I try it then?

RESEARCHER: Ok... What do you think of it now?

HAPLESS FOOL: Meh.

RESEARCHER: That a yes or no then?

HAPLESS FOOL: No opinion.

RESEARCHER: I need to put yes or no though.

HAPLESS FOOL: Oh.

RESEARCHER: Would you say you were nearer a yes..?

HAPLESS FOOL: I have no opinion.

RESEARCHER: I'll put you down as a yes then, ok.

HAPLESS FOOL: Whatever.

Brand Spanking

2010-11-29T13:15:00.005Z

You don't have to be an art director or a client to understand that tone of voice matters about as much to a brand as a jockey to a spooked racehorse. When you're trying to appeal to as many faceless, brainless plebs as possible, copywriters can't afford to play fast and loose with the emotions of their drooling audiences. As any brand manager will tell you, a successful campaign is a combination of brightly coloured celebrities and money off vouchers. The only time one should speak to the audience is either to mention the price, or to remind them not to choke on the product.

So. Imagine how horrified I was to discover this particularly witty, playful, and (God forbid) intelligent piece of copy on the back of a beer label this weekend.

(In case you can't read the pic:"Yet another bummed-out holiday? Lump of Coal Dark Holiday Stout is liquid consolation. It's a deep, rich, sweetly rewarding stout to take the edge of that grim family gathering, that cheerless annual festival of alienation. This brew is as dark as it gets, as black as the lump of coal you'll be getting for Christmas. Because, let's face it, you've been pretty bad this year.")

It reminded me of Simon Darwell-Taylor's idea for a brand that was shitty, and pissed off you with, rather than bland, obsequious, and mealy-mouthed. Which is, of course, how ALL copy should be in these days of austerity, panic and dickheads.

Friday Infographic

2010-11-26T14:34:00.003Z

Fig.1 Levels of freelance job satisfaction throughout the week

Famous Last Briefs #1

2010-11-24T12:50:00.008Z

CLIENT: Look, I've never heard of 'em either.

BACKGROUND: Just drop it.

BUDGET: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

WHAT IS REQUIRED: Fuck about on iStock for a day scratching your head and muttering expletives. Client likes idea of owls but can't be more specific.

DELIVERY: End of play Friday to 20 different email recipients at their end.

The Friday Infographic

2010-11-19T16:04:00.003Z

Fig 1. Manchester's Creative Scene

Did anyone see this?

2010-11-12T11:44:00.002Z

Story is a junior at DDB Harare or somewhere won a "highly coveted" D&AD tutorial scholarship thingy off the back of it.

I like it.

Or do I?

No, I DO like it.

But I don't believe it's real.

Then again...

Oh, I dunno. It's very well done, but having pulled a few stunts like this myself, none of them to any avail. What. So. Ever. I'm just struggling to see how it worked.

Maybe it's because I is not black.

Finally. A campaign for a videogame that isn't either CGI or shit

2010-11-10T11:21:00.008Z

Don't get me started on this right, but games are like - the future. Seriously. For lots of reasons. And at some point I'm going to need to post a very lengthy piece about the writing in games and how the "old" skills of writers are needed more than ever in the "new" world of interactive and all that. But like I say, don't get me started because I'm just hitting my stride in Fallout: New Vegas this week and I'm capable of talking the jowls off a despot about how ruddy marvelous it is.

Suffice to say I fucking LOVE games almost as much as ads, but really that Black Ops "Soldier In Everyone" effort from last week was just a big fat lazy wank, as was the Halo: Reach HD prick-tease from the other month. In fact, pretty much every ad for a game I can think of tends to be nothing more than a kind of pornography, where the most superficial aspects of the gameplay (i.e blasting the shit out of stuff) is presented in an exaggerated form. Which is SO dumb, and also weird. Because the best games aren't dumb at all. They're massively complicated, and surprising.

So hats (or HUDs) off to the people behind this slice of loveliness ( http://rebuildbrotherhood.us.ubi.com/site.php ) in anticipation of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood this month. A smart, enjoyable campaign for a smart, enjoyable game.

Some great writing too.

Then again, maybe it's just the shit HTML graphics that are doing it for me.

Advertising Feature

2010-11-09T09:34:00.013Z

Dear Customer,

As a valued member of our coven, it is time for you to awaken from your slumber, and to join me, The Great Beast, in the shadow of this solstice moon as I lift the veil upon my infernal Winter Sale.

Behold! The altar of The Ancients - Quallthy, and Vhalyew. For unto them we offer this ritual sacrifice - the slashing of our prices (throughout the store) with the sacred dagger of Bargayne.

See now, whilst our prices drop, the madness descends... Into your unconscious mind, as I and my buyers establish psychic connection between you and your desires. Instore and online. Our minds are intertwined.

So place yourself at the mercy of the Aleister Crowley Winter Sale.

With 50% off selected items, you are but powerless to resist.

Starts Midnight.

No time even for a title, let alone a proper blog post.

2010-11-02T11:13:00.003Z

Er, so watch this instead. Pretend you're ill or something.

Behind Our Studio...

2010-10-29T16:05:00.002+01:00

A body
Cold and grey
Prone in the shadow of an old oak tree
Above blackened boughs
Crows encircle
As mist descends
First in wisps
Through knotted hair, and tangled limbs
Then in creeping, grasping tendrils
Upwards
Toward his face-
Oh, god! That face
That is shrunken and sallow
Hideous, hollow
The life torn out
In silent screams
Through empty sockets
And crinkling flesh
Now rotting upon the gutter’s edge
And yet-
These horrors are pale
Dim and fleeting
For lurking deep
Down and dark
In the dead man’s pocket
An abomination lies
Monstrous
Unspeakable
And gnawing
Gnawing at my sanity
Like rats!
Malnourished
On fetid bones
In blackened rooms
And dancing
Ghastly on the surface
Of the ivory cards
That bore his name
In black
Comic
Sans

Welcome to Optimism (twinned with Salford)

2010-10-27T10:16:00.009+01:00

It's the Campaign Big Awards tonight. And I for one will not be attending. In fact, I won't even be looking at the results tomorrow morning. Because you know what? We don't do ruddy trophies and baubles in the North. We do all our work for our clients. Something you southern shandies just wouldn't understand...

Yeah, you heard. I did say "Southern Shandies". Because it's you London lot who mostly read this blog. Not my homies in Manchester. Because they're all busy working for their clients see, not dicking around on the internet, being all curious and forward-thinking like you lot. Oh no. We've got our noses to the grindstone, creating amazing work, for our amazing clients120% of the time. Day in. Day out, as Ian Curtis might say shortly before hanging himself.

Yo usee, what never fails to impress me about Manchester is that in a town where so many clients insist on writing their own ads, and most of the agencies allow them to do so, the fact that I make any money at all is a living, breathing testament to the city's steadfast commitment to creativity. The same creativity, lest we forget, that brought us Joy Division, The Smiths, Happy Mondays, The Stone Roses,er... Joy Division, The Smiths, Happy Mondays, and Morrissey! - as I'm sure Jon Robb, Terry Christian, and Peter Hook will be more than happy to remind you.

Day in. Day out.

And it's important we keep banging on about the legacy of ruddy Factory and Joy Division every time we come to celebrate or even mention Manchester's creative industries. Because currently, our advertising's just as fucking bleak and desperate as all the music we once listened to. And like Ian Curtis, there isn't a single solitary one of us who wouldn't work ourselves towards a horribly pointless death in the name of it.

So like I say. We don't need awards for what we do. We just trudge on till the bitter end. And every 5 years or so, we put all of our old work in a Peter Saville-designed coffee-book-boxset, and look back in a half-morbid, half self-congratulatory way at how, despite all the opportunities we were given, they all managed to end somewhat tragically.

Fucking Love This!

2010-10-26T11:14:00.003+01:00

Apart from stakeholders and busybodies, who in the neon name of Christ ever reads a business' Corporate and Social Responsibility Report? No one. They're shit. Even the one's with nice covers barely stifle a yawn these days, let alone enourage you to read past the contents page.

But this new one by the muckers over at Music is awesome.

Having harped on for long enough about the formal limitations of the corporate liturgy- I mean, publication - this interactive route is frankly (in the grey, grey world of the boardroom) avant garde by comparison. But what better way to engage people than letting them discover stuff for themselves.

This is the goddam future people! Just think: no more facsimiles of the gout-faced chairman's signature. And no more awkward photography of your hideous employees. Result.

Well done guys.

The Drum Interviews Alex Bogusky

2010-10-26T09:36:00.003+01:00

by The Drum's very own scoop-finder general, Swinton Malteser

The Drum convinced advertising legend Alex Bogusky, creative executive mastermind of the giant global advertising leviathan Crispy Bogusky Proctor & Gamble, to give us a rare telephone interview over his privately owned American telephone line.

[Phone ringing out for 10 to 15 minutes]

AB: Hello, yes?

THE DRUM: Hello?

AB: Hello!

THE DRUM: Oh, er, is that Mr. Er... Mr. Bogus-Sky?

AB: Bogusky. Speaking. Who is this?

THE DRUM: Eh? Oh, my name's Andy. I work at The Drum.

AB: Who?

THE DRUM: The Drum magazine. In the... England.

AB: Right. I don't -

THE DRUM: We're a trade title. For the creative industries.

AB: Ok.

THE DRUM: Outside the M25.

AB: The what?

THE DRUM: The - er, road around, the motorway really, around the - London...

AB: Sorry. What is this about?

THE DRUM: Right. We were just after a few quotes, Mr. Bogusky. For a piece we're writing. We all value your opinion Mr. Bogusky and thought er -

AB: Listen. Thanks, but I don't normally do... (Sigh)Look just make it quick, ok.

THE DRUM: Brilliant! Thank you so much, Alex, er, Bogusky. Really appreciate this.

AB: Sure.

THE DRUM: Right, we're putting together a kind of survey of the various regions' creative outputs...

AB: Why?

THE DRUM: So that erm... I don't know. It's just what we do.

AB: Compare regions creativity?

THE DRUM: Yes. No. I mean, it's meant to be a showcase.

AB: Like D&AD?

THE DRUM: Kind of. Yes.

AB: You pay to be in the magazine - showcase?

THE DRUM: Exactly!

AB: Hmmmm...

THE DRUM: So, we just want to know who's your favourite agency in and around Staffordshire?

AB: Where?

THE DRUM: Well, the Midlands really. But we're trying to boost circulation around North Staffs.

AB: But I - I don't know where any of these places are.

THE DRUM: Oh. Ok. Well, have you heard of an agency called McCann Erickson?

AB: Of course I have.

THE DRUM: Ok, well just say McCann Erickson Birmingham then.

AB: Hang on. I don't even -

THE DRUM: That's great Mr. Bogusky. Brilliant. Cheers. And if you ever need a month's free membership to the Marketing Industry Network, just give us a call and we'll see what we can do, eh. Thanks again, mate. Cheers now.

The Copywriter's Charter: Demand No. 2

2010-10-22T10:56:00.003+01:00

2. More and better jobs
Existing jobs must be protected. Public and private investment must create new jobs yadda yadda yadda. But in particular in the digital sector, where the opportunities for writing play second fiddle to technology and design. We don’t want to write headlines, puns, and emotive product descriptions anymore. Not even smart-arsed ones like Innocent. We want to create stories! With characters, points of view, plots, sub-plot sand everything in between. Oh, but we’re not doing SEO though –ok? That’s like asking an architect to mix concrete.

The Copywriter's Charter: Demand No. 1

2010-10-20T15:40:00.003+01:00

1. A fairer studio for a fairer creative

The right to work in a balanced creative department. One where our work will be valued and -above all- recognized. Where the substance and resonance of writing is not needlessly forsaken for wanky art direction, or subjugated by those who have to look up the word “subjugate”. Nor should we be told never to begin a sentence with “because.” Because to denude and demote writing in the communication business is frankly cheating, not to mention lazy. And that is unfair to us, and unfair to our clients. Especially the ones who don't understand irony.

For Christ's Sake

2010-10-13T15:59:00.002+01:00

Religion. It's a lot like pornography isn't it.

It appeals to our basest instincts, offers little or no lasting satisfaction, and has a nasty habit of raising awkward questions. It also makes lots of shit, horrible films. Like this (pwew-weee!) stinker.

On the upside though, they do seem to have knicked one of my piss-take retail straplines.

Do It Like Dad

2010-10-13T07:41:00.004+01:00

A family eating their tea infront of the TV. They have just seen the new "Do It Like Dolmio" ad.

MUM: Win a holiday to Italy, eh? That sounds nice.

DAD: Wha?

MUM: Says you can win a holiday. On the telly.

DAUGHTER: Duh. Not on the telly, mum. On You Tube.

DAD: Wha?

MUM: Eh?

DAUGHTER: You need to go on You Tube to win the holiday.

DAD: On wha?

MUM: You What?

DAUGHTER: On the internet. You film a video and upload it.

MUM: To the internet?

DAUGHTER: Yeah.

MUM: But it's full of.... perverts, the internet. (shudders) I'm not doing that.

DAD: Don't be daft, woman. They would'nt put it on telly if it wasn't safe, would they. (To daughter) Would they?

[Daughter shrugs - "How the hell should I know?"]

DAD: Come on, then! I'll do it. I'll win us a holiday.

MUM: But you don't know what you're doing, Steve. You're 45 years old. You'll look ridiculous.

[NOTE: Is it me or this turning into an episode of My Family?]

DAD: All right, all right. Less of the old, thank you. Now do you want a holiday or not?

MUM: Not if I have to live with the shame of -

DAD: I said that's enough, thank you Cath. Now come on Becky, go get your laptop and let's make a video.

[NOTE: It is isn't it! I'm not doing it on purpose though. Honest. My Family is obviously just what you get when you throw something down in 5 minutes]

DAUGHTER: You're not using my laptop.

DAD: But -

DAUGHTER: Seriously dad, you fucking embarrass me I swear I will never speak to you again.

MUM: Come on Steve, leave it. Forget about the holiday.

(He tries to appeal to them by pulling an Italian face and waving his arms)

MUM: It's not going to work, love. Your impression is shit.

DAD: But someone might like it! The voters..? On the internet..?

(Mum and daughter shake their heads plaintively)

DAD: (Defeated) Oh, I suppose your right. My impression is shit. And I can't work the computer on my own... But - hang on! Becky, you're brilliant at impressions. And you can work the computer. Why don't you win us a holiday?

DAUGHTER: Do I look like the face of fucking Dolmio?

DAD: Come on. It'll be cool.

DAUGHTER: Is that what you think of me? I look like a fucking puppet? Is that what you're saying!?

DAD: No, I -

(Daughter storms out, slamming the door)

MUM: Just leave her. Come on. Finish your meatballs.

(They continue to eat)

DAD: This sauce is nice. What is it?

MUM: Lloyd Grossman.

Experience the futility for yourself at: www.doitlikedolmio.com

Future Prefect

2010-10-12T11:50:00.009+01:00

All of you please just stop it, stop it, stop it, now.

About 10 people have just tweeted me this in the last 5 minutes, and it's arsewash.

I'm referring of course to the trapped-in-the-90s dinner party nihilist Douglas Coupland's (recent) smugger-than-thou article about things we might expect to see in the future.

Now, I know he's half-joking, and I know you lot probably think you're half-joking as well when you re-tweet it, but listen - the only reason it's rocketed round the internet so quickly is because you all obviously suffer the same anxieties he's (smugly, satirically) describing, and which you all desperately want to see vindicated, not least so you can slap yourselves on the back, tweet "I told you so!" and get a job as a digital planner, scuffling for a peek down the future's top for the rest of your days.

But.

Surely the only thing any of these kinds of predictions or "insights" can ever describe accurately are the current flavour of nuroses amongst the urban population.

Why do I say this? Well, because I live in the country. So when I go home tonight I won't be worrying, writing or tweeting about the potential impact of cloud-computing, or any of the other unknowable bullshit certain segments of the advertising industry thrive on. No, I'll be concerned with whether or not I'll need lights to go cycling this evening.

And I find this kind persepective stops me sounding like a smug, pretentious, dinner party bell-end.

Well, when I'm not at work at least.

10 Rude Foods

2010-10-12T08:03:00.004+01:00

1. Lemon in a gimp mask

2. Prune sucking off a turnip

3. Tarts

4. A good spread

5. Tariyaki bukakake

6. Cuny Lingus Crispy Pancakes (vegetarian option: Felafellatio)

7. Frottage cheese

8. Gay bagels

9. Strap-on salad

10. Spuds deep in gravy

Studio Playlist

2010-09-27T15:32:00.009+01:00

Something old
Something new
Something borrowed
Something on blue limited edition vinyl.

Something you wouldn't buy
Something you'd never lend
Something you'd never actually own up to
And something you'd never really got into.

Something a bit jazzy
Something a bit brassy
Something a bit funky
Something just a teeny tiny bit folksy.

Something re-mixed
Something half-inched
Something on 9inch
And definitely something on 12inch

That one that she likes
This one that he doesn't
The one that goes like thingy
And the one sounds like whathisface

Something choral
Something classic
Something la, la, la
Something, something, something

Something different
Something obvious
Something weird
Something wonderful

A litle bit of Beefheart
A little bit of Bowie
A lttle bit of classical
But please. No fucking reggae.

Holiday Snap

2010-09-24T12:08:00.005+01:00

I'm back. Back from hols, back in one piece, and straight back into doing what I do best: writing ads that will never get made, and blogging about the futility of it all in an irreverent/burlesque sort of way in the vain hope of entertaining someone enough for them to think - hey! now there's a clever, funny, thoughtful kinda guy. Just the kinda of clever, funny, thoughtful writer our massively successful creative agency should be using all the time. I wonder if he'd like to come and work for us in fact. Because we'd really, genuinely value his input on our projects since we really, genuinely value good writing unlike a lot of agencies who just say they do. In the North.

It's pathetic. But what do I care? I've got a sun tan, and a fortnight's worth of perspective on the whole sorry state of affairs.

I've been to beaches, bars, cafes, and one disgustingly fucking expensive restaurant. And I've returned -I'm glad to say- having put a fair bit of distance between me and this here (stagnating) media career of mine. I even managed to resist the temptation to tweet pics of funny foreign advertisements on my travels, which I'd somehow almost planned to do, and which again is utterly pathetic in hindsight.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that having a (currently) crap, marginal media career like mine is actually just massively exhausting. The whole business of advertising operates on a kind of "last one to the future's a bender" mentality anyway. So between blogging, tweeting, marketing oneself, one's opinions, and keeping up with shit there's virtually no time left for the more gentlemanly pursuits (women, wine, fine art, big game hunting - that kind of thing) we creatives need to temper our fearsome egos.

Unsurprisingly then, I didn't entirely switch off whilst I was away. I had an entertaining idea about re-theming my portfolio (more soon), and spent the first week worrying that I really should stop all this larking about and try and be more "commercial" in my ambitions. But then. Then I read Stewart Lee's book which (if nothing else) reminded me that that comedy is one of the purist and noblest of creative endeavours. It's ok to lark about. Trying to make people laugh is a good thing. And what's more, as I've said here many times before, the mechanics of comedy really do belong in advertising.

So, yes. Existential crisis averted, and I'm back. Back to the noblest of creative endeavours.

Wish you were here
x

One for the road...

2010-09-11T08:39:00.006+01:00

Here's a quick bit of homespun wisdom before I piss off for a week or so.

Always ask yourself does the script pass "The Blue Peter" test?

I'll explain.

If you wrote down an outline of Blue Peter in order to pitch it to someone it might go something like this:

"Three people, 2 blokes, 1 lass, in the studio. Maybe there's a dog. Or a tortoise. Each week one of them makes something or does a bit of baking. Another of them might interview a zookeeper. That kind of thing."

Sounds shit doesn't it. But we all know Blue Peter's been going for 40years and is still massively successful. Because the magic of Blue Peter is irreducible. It works because of the people involved; the presenters and producers.

So the next time you look at your script and think "They just won't see it," tell 'em about Blue Peter.

Not really a "test" I know. More of a device. But I've got a taxi coming in half an hour so I'm not really in the mood for pedants, ok.

How to write a TV script

2010-09-10T14:57:00.006+01:00

Writing brilliant commercials for televisions, cinemas, and internets is easy. Christ, any Womble can do that! But writing a script you can actually sell - or at the very least explain- to your client is a very different kettle of fists.

However, very luckily, the following followings will help you create the kind of bland, unambiguous scripts that the unsophisticated young men who now run their father's business can understand first time. Which is to say, without having to blink or move their lips when they read it to themselves.

So. First of all, always start your script with "Picture of the product." Never say "shot" or "close-up" or anything faintly jargonistic. This isn't Hollywood. Just say "picture", since you never know where the client's comfort zone may lie. As there's a real chance he/she may never even have seen an advert before, you
really don't want to be running before they can crawl.

Secondly, never include anything other than the product itself and how much it costs. If you're the type of pretentious creative who feels the need to introduce the price separately (ie. after the picture of the product has been on screen) have the client's carer put them to bed significantly earlier the night before. Nervous exhaustion can easily kill a cosseted simpleton like the client. And if they die, so does the account.

Finally, as the client will never ever invest any significant time, effort or money in producing a television script, neither should you. Just show them a piece of paper with a description of their product and the correct price written on it and leave them be.

Always remember: this kind of rehabilitation takes time.

NEXT WEEK: Explaining a website through physiotherapy

Sorry Pieman, it was the best I could do

2010-09-09T13:46:00.004+01:00

The REAL reason this ad that's been around for about a fortnight now I know but hey - is a load of ploppy plops

2010-09-08T16:34:00.008+01:00

Brain says "Oh, look! Uma Thurman, look."

Ad says "I am Giulietta."

Brain says "No you're not. You're Uma Thurman."

Ad shakes head. Says "Urgh urgh. I am Giulietta."

Brain says "But you're not. You're Uma Thurman. The actress."

Ad says "I am not. Look. I am Giulietta. See?"

Brain rolls eyes, says "Ok fine. You're Giulietta. Whatever..." and looks at next ad, making a little "mental" gesture behind her back.

10 things to put on your blog to make up for not blogging for a bit

2010-09-08T11:02:00.010+01:00

1. A pretty damn good excuse I hope for your sake young man

2. Something really zietgeisty like a penetrating article about that Tippex digital thing everyone's wah wah wah wah-ing over

3. £20 Argos voucher for every reader

4. A few dark secrets

5. Range of mugs to commemorate the hiatus like

6. Sneak preview of "Russ Abbott's Nut Allergy Balloon Diary"

7. Some other crap I've been working on

8. A sexy ghost story

9. Exclusive extracts from my shocking new album

10. The ability to vote for one of the above in the Comments section

Why I Hate Wieden + Kennedy

2010-08-26T10:19:00.006+01:00

You'll be glad to know it's not a complicated argument this. As simple as a hiccuping infant in fact. But the reason I absolutely HATE Wieden's, with a pair of tiny, impotent fists and gnashing jaws, is because they are SO fucking good, and I, frankly, am not.

At one stage I loved them. Respected them. I'd get all nervous and shy just commenting on their blog, blushing like an awkward teenager walking past the sixth form girls changing room. Not because I was a pervert or anything (honestly sir) I just didn't want them to laugh at me. Because their work was so much better than any of the shit, nasty, cynical, ugly, childish advertising I was used to. Their's was how advertising should be and what I aspired to. Not just in terms of the creative, but in the strategy, and businessy bits too. The bits creatives aren't meant to be interested in. Those killer propositions, hammered-out, worked up, re-worked and refined into elegant, ruthlessly simple strategies, backed-up by perfectly pitched, lovingly crafted creative. You just can't bloody argue with Wieden's. Look, even their rabbits have got cool fucking headphones on!

Of course, you might put some of their success down to the hippie, "optimist" ethics they seduce their clients with, or maybe all of their clients are already hippie optimists in the first place. Even so, it takes a damn sight more than optimism and a shared interest in vegan food or fixed gear bicylces to produce work as (apparently) effortless and uncompromised as theirs. Because whilst Wieden's have always had a very clear fucking idea of what they're about, the only people they seem to know even better than themselves, are their clients.

And that, Mr & Mrs Reader, is why I am shit. Or at least, by comparison. Because as Wieden's are enjoying fruitful, loving, long-term relationships with their clients, the agencies I (tend to) work for are all drunk and abusive, having dirty, unfulfilling sex with their clients behind the Biffa bins at end of the night.

So as much as I do hate Wieden's nowadays, it's possible I don't quite hate them as much as I hate myself.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to embrace my failure even further... Reckon if I spike her drink she'll let me squeeze her tits too.

10 Things To Include in Your Retail Ad

2010-08-24T10:16:00.003+01:00

1. The cheapest, nastiest stock photography you can muster. That way eveything "must be seen to be believed!"

2. A massive number in the middle of the page

3. Exclamation marks after everything! Everything! Cos when we say everyhing! we mean holy fucking shit EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! Like we're insane.

4. Literally anything that could be contrued as a benefit. For example, "4 recently re-pointed walls full of bargains", or "Come and see our photocopier!"

5. A sun, snowflake, leaf, or chicken depending on the time of year...

6. ...And a headline relating to it. For example, "Nailing down prices this Easter", "The Christmassive Sale!" etc.

7. Mention the time. "NOW ON!", "Starts Friday", "Please God, Must End Soon"

8. A weird/pretentious positioning line that doesn't really work - "Sentimental about prices", "Good things come to those who save", "Valuing your life".

9. If possible try and squash a coupon in there somewhere. Next to the map and the 6inches of T&Cs

10. A logo that's at least 25 years old

New Adventures in Wi-Fi

2010-08-18T11:24:00.008+01:00

So, a shit headline after an average album by an over-rated band.

Indeed, welcome to the lazily connected, reference heavy world of the internet. A world the more observant and/or connected of you will have noticed me thrashing around in (like a deranged toddler in a therapy pool) quite a bit more than usual. Yep, I've taken the plunge -properly this time- into Twitter, so apologies upfront to anyone I might have inadvertantly splashed, sprayed or drenched in the process. I got a bit carried away at first. Though you'll be glad to know I'm over the intitial hysteria and can now appraise the whole experience like an adult. Without armbands.

Here's the 4 things I've found Twitter to be really, really good for then.

1) Fucking about
Saying random bollocks in the hope of amusing people as bored as you are is the Soup De Jour here at Content Flavoured Trousers, so being able to do it quickly and discreetly in an even less refined/attractive form is like the crack cocaine of blogging. You don't need a private corner, or bog cubicle to do it. Just an iPhone.

2) Bragging
If you're ambitious, egotistical, or just a humble sociopath then Twitter is right up your private self-named boulevard. "I'm doing this," "Just doing that," "Oh, it's amazing," "I'm here right now in fact," "Me, me, ruddy ME," you can go all day long, name dropping and ballooning. And the best thing is - you can say what the shitting hell you like: "Got my hand in the Queen's lap. What will Phillip say?", "Base Jumping with Rory Bremner this afternoon", "Accepted into Goldsmiths, La Sorbonne, AND the Freemasons IN THE SAME DAY. Clever me!" No one will EVER know the truth. Ever ever ever. At all. Twitter could make a tapeworm sound cool.

3) Sort of meeting people
Hell, I mean Twitter's just -like- this massive global party, yeah. One where no one really knows each other and they all OMG HAHAHAHAHAHA ROFL a bit too hard to make up for it, whilst absolutely hammering the white wine and being sick on each other before they even relax. Meanwhile, the ones who have been there the longest are all tired and hungover so don't really say a lot.

4) Whistling in the dark
Finally, being able to blurt things out to a silent, faceless crowd is a brilliant way to taunt Death. Spitting into the abyss every now and then with a little life-affirming "I'm still here" tweet really keeps those existential horrors at bay.
Almost as much as the cocaine, alcohol and lies.

I'm hooked.

Eat, Slay, and Die

2010-08-18T09:03:00.018+01:00

Somewhere on my hard disk there's an abandoned project of mine called The Alphabet of Advertising. Maybe these will spur me on.

(From the particularly bloody ace Ptak Science Books)

10 things I'd do to Fiona Bruce apropos of blokes always saying they'd "do" her

2010-08-16T11:44:00.004+01:00

1. Fatten her up

2. Make her do Antiques Roadshow in a MASSIVE clanking suit of armour

3. Take a good foot or so off her

4. Use as voiceover for erectile disfunction clinic ad

5. Project silhouette on to blind as burglar deterrent

6. Make her and Nigella Lawson sprint round a cake

7. Airbrush face on to truck

8. Use face as Japanese opera mask

9. Dress up as Jill Dando

10. Make her and the BBC News team do a Comic Relief version of "Saw" with Huw Edwards wearing the skin of George Alagiah next to Fiona who's handcuffed to a radiator, whilst Bill Turnbull and the rest of 'em are systematically executed in "hilariously" apposite ways, for example stung to death by bees, or turned upon by an actual bull, you get the idea, and now for the weather etc.

10 Modern Rugby Songs

2010-08-13T16:44:00.003+01:00

1. Tag the bitch

2. Mr. Banker Wanker Man

3. Groom Ye Fair Maiden

4. Sweet Cecelia Celiac

5. No Symptoms

6. ATM Machine (She's An...)

7. Bi-Curiosity Killed The Cat

8. Old Enough to Say No

9. Milf Is Murder

10. I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Pay That)

Some bile I don't have time to do justice to. By which I mean, shape, like a wax figurine, into a towering homunculus of satire

2010-08-13T12:49:00.007+01:00

Hi.

I'm Tom. I'm an art director who loves skateboarding and great ideas.

And I'm Tim. I'm a copywriter who loves great ideas but not so much the skateboarding.

Together we make up the creative team, TimTom.

Cute, huh.

And no wonder. Because we recently graduated from Stirling Moss University with 1st Class Honours in Cute Communication and Conceptual Conceit.

And before all that we were lucky enough to be voted "Ones To Smirk At" at D&AD Cute Student Awards, as well as a bunch of other stuff we're too knowingly self-deprecating to mention here.

We'd rather just display our accolades in the top right corner of our website.

Which leads us, in a cute and so totally NOT contrived way, to our online portfolio.

Here you'll find some cute examples of the following:

- Some nicely scamped ads for a well known brand that hasn't needed to advertise for 20years or so, but which we've tried to re-invent with a cute concept and some knowing Dan Germain-style copy.

- A protracted concept for a well known, but slightly naff brand, (possibly Argos) that involves Facebook and to all the world looks like we've just stuck the logo on to an iPhone app.

- Multiple executions of a particularly smug idea for a public sector campaign, like we just didn't know when to stop.

- A totally unlikely ambient idea that isn't even cynical enough to inlcude in the Chip Shops, let alone have anything to do with the brand or what it might normally be saying.

Finally, here's some gushing, humble sounding bullshit about us wanting a placement and how awfully nice we are and don't mind making the tea which, if we're honest, is as close to real work either of us could bare.

FREE in The Drum this month!

2010-08-11T10:22:00.009+01:00

The 2010 marketing season is about to kick off. So pick up a copy of The Drum magazine this month and get your offical Drum 2010 sticker album, featuring all the latest fixtures, line-ups, and client rosters of all of your favourite premiership agencies outside of the M25!!

COLLECT all of your favourite players, managers, creative directors, Account Managers, Chief Execs, and Financial Controllers.

SWAP the faces of over 900 regional marketing professionals. From the man who holds the purse strings, to the girl who has to answer the phone.

GAWP at the management behind some of the most obscure and unremarkable marketing activity in the country.

GET STARTED with this FREE 3D Holo-card print of Nicky Unsworth of BJL.

In Next Months Issue: The 100 Tallest Account Handlers

Please, God. Something Other than Advertising

2010-08-06T10:26:00.002+01:00

Please. Take off your checked shirt, stop talking about design and fashion shoots and your collaborative cenceptual art project for a fucking sports brand, and listen very carefully to me for just. One. Moment. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but...

Working in the "creative industries" isn't really that interesting, exciting, or remarkable. It's certainly not creative ('clue's in the "inudstries" bit), and writing inevitably ugly, insincere garbage for shit, sanctimonious businesses all day just isn't a sufficiently stimulating endeavour for someone of my, not inconsiderable, intellect to waste even more of my time talking about it to a load of people with equally obscure, marginal and insignificant media careers as my own.

So. Today I'm not going to write about clients, art directors, suits, planners, or any of that bumwash. I'm not even going to namedrop my cool ex-girlfriend who runs a record label in New York in a crass attempt to look more creative than I really am.

No sirree.

Today I'm going to write about something else entirely for a change. Something I actually like:

Dmitri Shostakovich. Arguably the greatest composer of the 20th century.

This is him:

Like a knackered Harry Potter isn't he. But don't let that fool you. Old Four-Eyes there wrote 15 of the greatest symphonies the world has ever heard, the first when he was just 19 (and really did look like Harry Potter). If you like your music mean, complex, thrilling, playful and devasatatingly beautiful, then look no further than this man. Granted, it's not always easy listening, but then, that's kind of the point. When you work in an industry as solipsistic as advertising it's important to stretch yourself, ok.

So, why Shostakovich then Mr. John?

Well, for a start he was a child prodigy. After enrolling in Hogwart- I mean, the Petrograd Conservatory, he learned to smoke, and became a decadant young bastard along with a whole new generation of experimental Russian artists, writers, film makers and laa-dee-dahs. Life was great. Or at least, not bad until the stumpy-armed despotic ballet lover, Stalin, came to power in the 20s and buggered things up for a few million people.

As a trained practitioner of the "bourgeois" avant garde, Shostakovich spent the majority of his creative life embroiled in a deadly cat-and-mouse game with the higher echelons of the politburo. Loved by the public but denounced in Pravda as a kind of degenerate intellectual anarchist effectively for not writing anything Stalin could dance to, he had to whore himself writing film scores and ditties, suppressing his work and, ultimately, his personality at a time when less compliant artists were being executed for treachery. With Koba breathing down his neck, Shostakovich was forced to find a new kind of voice or perish.

Which is exactly what he did. With fiendish intelligence.

Firstly Shostakovich took the relatively unsophisticated, pan-nationalistic music of the Party to absurd, and at times hilarious, lengths. His rousing anthems become bloated caricatures under the weight of their own self-importance, while ferocious, posturing choruses splinter into sarcastic ballerina pastiche. Epic, volatile, and a wee bit jazzy just for good measure, Shostakovich became the undisputed master of what you might call The Art of the Straight Face. Like a sort of musical Derren Brown, he was able to convince the entire establishment that everything was above board while performing the ultimate transgression right under their noses.

He also lived in constant fear of being found out. A fear which almost killed him.

Now, as I live in constant fear of boring people to death talking about Shostakovich, I'm guessing anyone still reading this either shares my penchant for difficult Russian composers, or you're wondering what the fucking hell my point is.
Well, I kind of lied when I said I wasn't going to talk about advertising. (This is an advertising blog, after all). Or rather, I intended not to talk about it, but then realised there was something particularly germaine about Shostakovich's story us Advertising Party conformists could learn from. Which is: even if your client is as thick, nasty, unreasonable and tasteless a dwarf bastard as Stalin was, it's still just about possible to create something outstanding.

You just need to keep a straight face.

Advertising Feature

2010-08-05T11:07:00.010+01:00

Love the internet? Love to chat? Then join me, Michael Parkinson, for the very best in online chat with my very own app from Facebook.

The Parky App from Facebook lets you and your friends wax lyrical about your life and times in a relaxed and informal atmosphere before a live audience of millions. Dispense your very own wit and wisdom in response to some of the most famous questions from my 40 odd year career. Questions like:

"What kind of a man was Muhammed Ali? - or Cassius Clay as he was known then."

"You've always been frank about your struggle with drink over the years, but is that something you now regret?"

"Tell us about your new book."

Ask friends to rate your raconteurmanship on a celebrity scale of 1-5:

1. Meg Ryan
2. Jamie Cullum
3. Sean Connery
4. Billy Connelly
5. Peter Ustinov

Create memorable line-ups and witty banter by inviting up to three other guests to you "in the studio". Choose friends from your social network or from a stock of charming A-List celebrities, including:

Roger Moore
Goldie Hawn
Tony Curtis
Kenneth Williams
Clive James

Why not take light-hearted detours into a range of my favourite subjects, including:

Yorkshire cricket
Jazz music
1960s Fleet Street

The humorous interjections, sparkling repostes, and bon homie just never ends with the new Parky App from Facebook.

10 Social Networking Disasters

2010-08-03T16:37:00.004+01:00

1. Putting your willy on the screen

2. Anything involving role play, hobbies, shared interests, that kind of thing is bound to end badly

3. Tagging victims

5. Updating status to "Fantasising about strangling boss with penis"

6. Seeding your castration self-help videos

7. Revealing location on Twitter amidst the excitement

8. Your "Ulcer Diary"

9. Poking relatives

10. Being Raoul Moat

The Agony and the Ecstacy

2010-08-03T15:01:00.004+01:00

Thanks Pieman.

Cut-Up and Beg

2010-08-02T12:11:00.012+01:00

WHO WE ARE
We are a copywriter struggling to provide innovative creative solutions to a wide range of clients because of a variety of arbitrary bloody conventions and assumptions about writing and design.

ABOUT US
Our cause began years ago when I was banging on about experimental writers like BS Johnson right here on this here blog in an effort to promote some sort of progressive thinking about writing for design. Meanwhile, this superficial but well meaning article appeared in "The Observian" newspaper only yesterday promoting the importance of avant garde literature and reminded me to bang on about the subject all over again, not least as I had a run in with a particularly illiterate designer only the other week which made me right grrrrr angry, ok? I said OK!?

OUR PHILOSOPHY
It was William Burroughs who once said that narrative writing is trapped within the "representational straightjacket of the novel". Similarly then, any kind of long form copy is just as bound and buggered by the awkward, insincere and stultifying formality of the corporate brochure. Therefore, we (I) believe it's high time we dragged long copy out of the doldrums and embraced the experimental techniques of Johnson, Cortazar - Christ, even Burroughs if we have to, to create innovative, immersive, and dynamic texts that are fit for the 21st century. Because let's face it, in 5 years time no one's gonna want a leather bound coffee table brand book to show they're customers, cos they'll all be watching interactive movies on their iFrot mediabungs and feeding the data back to you you tedious old shit.

So. Sorry to be the one to tell you Mr. Client, but frankly those six pages of quality assurance statements in your brochure aren't gonna lend themselves to an amusing internet mash-up.

SEO REALLY works!

2010-07-30T11:33:00.003+01:00

It's true. I just typed in "Nazi deathcamp disco" and this is what I found. Honest.

I Will Survive Dancing Auschwitz full version
Uploaded by MsBeatguy. - Watch the latest news videos.

News from The Drum: On the Make

2010-07-29T15:53:00.006+01:00

This week's round up of account handling sluts sucking, fucking, and (quite often) weeping their way to the top.

1. What's your greatest asset? 2. Where did you last work? 3. How much make- up do you wear? 4. When was the last time you cried? 5. Do you take it up the arse?

Naomi, 22, TBWA/Walkden

1. I am dead behind the eyes.
2. On top of an aboriginal doorman on my gap year.
3. Enough to scare the junior writers.
4. You can't hurt me.
5. Yes. I'm saving my vagina for the right client.

Holli, 25, Madeline McCann Erickson

1. Undiagnosed personality disorder and colossal tits.
2. Through the trousers of the MD on a night flight back from Stockholm.
3. Plenty of dusky eye-shadow like the barely warm corpse of a failed model.
4. When daddy took the Audi off me. This morning.
5. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

Emilli, 23, BRAPP! Edwin Collins Glasgow

1. Not being able to spell "narcissist"
2. My first big break was on my knees infront of the Head of Design before his girlfriend arrived to pick him up. Taught me a hell of a lot.
3. If I'm acting stressed and looking for sympathy, none. But if it's a night out with clients I do that whole glam thing with my hair tied back and that "Cleopatra" eye-liner thing going on like a deranged Manga tansvestite.
4. Loosing the Glayva account and having to abort the client's child.
5. Does the Pope work Sundays?

Advertising. Made Easy

2010-07-28T09:20:00.005+01:00

Making adverts for your business, club, tennis association or cabal, doesn't have to be expensive, time consuming and fraught with modern, asymmetric hairstyles.

By following a few simple rules you can create your very own crowd-pleasing communications in-house, powerful enough to send even the most extrovert advertising paladin of Madison Boulevard and Whoreditch into a horribly shrieking, smoke-engulfed tailspin. Aaaiiieeeeee!!

Take this classic advertisement for Ford Cars for example.

It's a blinder, isn't it. And in some ways the perfect advertisement. But exactly how the fuck and why?

Well for one, it's got a nice big picture on it. Use a picture on your advert and you won't go far wrong. It can be of anything you like too - a horse, a foot, a beautiful actress, or even a worm. It doesn't matter. Because people will look at anything. As long as it's big and recognisable, stick it up there right in the middle of the ad, even if it looks quite foolish or ugly.

Secondly, get yourself some words. Don't worry too much about these though. As literacy levels in the UK plummet (fall quickly) to an all time low, the fewer words you use in your advert the better. Just be sure that at least one of the words you use is the name of your product, service, or factory outlet etc. By making a direct reference to the image above, and implying their products are desirable to families, the Ford ad tries to be a bit of smartarse in it's choice of words. But you needn't be so earnest. It's the number of words that matters in advertising, not what they say, and six is probably about your limit these days.

SUMMARY:
Making advertising is easy. Just put the name of your product next to a picture and let people make their own conclusions. If they like it, great. If they don't? Well, they're obviously not your target market.

Any questions?

10 imaginary fonts

2010-07-23T13:25:00.002+01:00

1. Decorated Nazi

2. Bold All-in-one

3. Ariel Ultra

4. Mandelson's Gothic

5. Omar Serif

6. We'll always have Powys

7. Mega Pen 9

8. Planet of the Shapes

9. Imbecile (Light)

10. Illuminated Mong

Housekeeping

2010-07-22T13:43:00.004+01:00

I've been asked to sort my blog out and tag posts properly. People can't find stuff by all accounts.

So scroll down past all the crap on the the right till you get to my long abandoned "Tastes & Textures" sort list. I'm adding the Advertising Features as we speak and I've just found "24 Scripts for a Guinness Ad" which I completely forgot about writing and might have to pick up again. Check back over the next few days and I'll get all the "10..." lists and Drum stuff up there too.

As you were internet.

The worst writing you will ever come across

2010-07-22T09:28:00.004+01:00

Alex Kapranos' Soundbites column from The Guardian circa 2006.

I used to read these just to see how far my mouth would gape open. Now you can too.

Things to look out for:

-His arse-clenchingly self conscious style. Like a precocious teenage girl writing a diary she hopes one day will be published.

-Writerly posturing. An over reliance on pretentious, and usually pretty hollow simile, descibing things in jarring, cod-poetic terms in an attempt to at least sound like a writer.

-The absolute failure to impart any kind of enthusiasm for his subject, as he's far too busy trying to sound like a laconic, effortless Beat writer. Which is isn't.

Ads in an ideal world

2010-07-22T08:26:00.004+01:00

BERNARD CRIBBINS VOICEOVER: One day Tufty was playing in the garden when his friend Willie Weasel appeared.

WILLIE: Hello Tufty.

TUFTY: Hello Willie. What are you doing here? I thought you’d been in an accident.

WILLIE: I was. But the people at Claims Direct helped me get back on my paws again.

One call was all it took. And because the accident wasn’t my fault, they said I was entitled to 100% of my compensation.

They told me there and then how much I could expect...

[We see Willie with his arm bandaged up. He is on the phone in split-screen, talking to a badger with a barrister's wig on who nods agreeably. Surprised by what he hears on the other end, Willie falls backwards off his chair.]

And started helping me right away. Even with the special care I needed.

[We see Willie in a doctor’s surgery being attended to by a sexy squirrel nurse. Willie wears a neck brace. The nurse removes it, and replaces it with a special elongated neck brace for weasels. As the nurse leaves, Willie tries to look at her arse but hurts his neck trying to turn his head.]

They took care of everything. All I had to do was get on with getting better.

[We see Willie at home, propped up in his bed. Willie’s wife brings him a delicious looking acorn and an Auto Trader. She kisses him on the head]

And best of all, it didn’t cost me a penny.

[Willie takes some money out of his pocket]

Fancy a pint, Tufty?

[We see a pub across the road - The Otter's Pocket]

TUFTY: I thought you'd never ask.

WILLIE: Last one there's a [MASKED OVER SOUND OF CAR HORN]

[Willie dashes across the road and is hit by an ice-cream van. Tufty covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. A wide-shot reveals the back of the ice-cream van has the Claims Direct logo and phone number on it.]

BERNARD CRIBBINS VO: If you’ve had an accident that wasn’t your fault, Call Claims Direct on XXXXXXXXXXX.

I'm experimenting with new business cards

2010-07-19T22:19:00.009+01:00

What dya think? Agree/disagree/discuss.

Uncle Dave

2010-07-19T20:45:00.005+01:00

I was discussing Dave Trott's blog with another writer today.

We talked about different line break techniques.

Like triple line spacing!!

And.

Single.

Word.

Sentences.

IN.

CAPS.

Or.

Maybe not.

For added impact.

Either way, we both agreed on one thing about Dave's blog, and that was the overall effect of reading it. I described it something like this:

First of all, you need to imagine being on one of those Guardian reader's holidays or days out you might have somewhere in the English countryside. It's bright and it's pleasant, somewhere on a Sunday afternoon and you come across this picturesque little church out of nowhere, and you suddenly think oh how lovely let's take a look inside, so you gently lift the sneck of the door hoping not to disturb anybody, before you both fall completely silent out of a deep, instinctive respect for the place as you proceed to peer and poke around the little altar and the beams and the stained glass windows for oooh a good 10 minutes at least, by which time you notice one of you is already waiting outside in the sunshine for the other one of you to ask "Anyway, fancy a pint?" because actually you're both the kind of modern atheist who couldn't give a shit about churches if you're honest, because you just find them quaint but ultimately quite hollow.

And that's exactly how Dave Trott's blog makes me feel.

Oh to be young again

2010-07-16T16:38:00.006+01:00

Call me old fashioned, but I like nothing more than a nice big wank and a Lemsip when I get home these days. But on the other hand (figuratively speaking), if I were a soupcon more progressive, I'd doubtless be grooving on down to the latest internet phenomenon known as "I-dosing".

Oh sod it. Here ya go grandad.

(WTF!?)

Who's The Worst Agency in Manchester Then?

2010-07-13T21:23:00.000+01:00

It's a damn good question. And one I suspect even The Drum can't answer. Not even in a 64page Worst of Manchester pull-out section special. So how will we, the creatives, ever know who is or isn't worth working with? Who's the wheat and who's the chaff? Or as they used to say around certain parts of Kirkby in the 80s, who would you "pop" and who would you "slash"?

My highly confidential, but not very discreet, confession box is now open. (Yes, that's me in my robes there, discussing some amends with a client). So sneak into the comments section and whisper your poison. No positives, no nice guys, and, no happy endings. I only want to hear about suffering and abuse. These people and organisations need to be named and shamed. If not to help the future generation, then to give me something to smirk about.

News from The Drum: Trott to sell off blog line-spacing to advertisers

2010-07-09T14:10:00.006+01:00

The Drum's burnt fingers from hot-off-the-press stories correspondent: Kylie Dostoevsky

In a shit hot sharp shock-horror announcement, advertising legend David "Dave" Trott of legendary London advertising agency Chernobyl Stockhausen & Trott Creative Worldwide Advertising Plc. Limited, today revealed plans to sell off the trademark line-spacing on his blogposts to advertisers.

Trott, who's blog uses a double-line spacing device to frame every goddamn sentence in an attempt to lend weight to even the most banal remark, is read by literally billions of advertising types every second of the month. However, over recent weeks an intense bidding war has taken place as both CBS Outdoor and Google scrabbled for control of Trott's line breaks.

Whilst the exact terms of any deal have yet to be revealed, Trott did issue the following statement earlier today:

"Blogging's always been a huge part of my life.

Life Classes. Learn to draw. Click here

But now it's time to try something different.

Time Machine by H.G Wells. 50% off

I don't want to give away too much, but you're gonna see some big changes around here.

See the difference! Gain 4inches in just six weeks."

Experts predict that, based on the amount of space available, any sum of money Trott would make from the deal would be. Astro. Fucking. Nomical.

Sarah Beeny: Patron Saint of Advertising Creatives

2010-07-05T15:40:00.006+01:00

For doth not a typical episode of the Venerable Beeny's "Property Ladder" program always go something thus:

PROPERTY DEVELOPER: Hello Sarah. Can you help me get a return on my investment? You know all about this sort of thing and whilst I have my own ideas/prejudices/presumptions about how I think it should be done, it really is best to get someone who knows what they're doing.

ST.SARAH: Cool. Well looking at it I'd say you really need to do XYZ to stand even the slightest chance of making a penny on this hair-brained investment of yours.

[SOME TIME LATER]

PROPERTY DEVELOPER: Hi Sarah. Well we've listened to your advice and whilst we appreciate all of your time and your expertise, we've decided to completely ignore you and replace the staircase with a helter-skelter slide because, well, I happen to like them.

ST.SARAH: Oh. Right. Well good luck with that one. Dickhead.

VOICEOVER: Since making the program the helter-skelter 9 bathroom bugalow is still on the market.

My fellow creatives, let us pray.

Who can I offend today?

2010-07-02T14:14:00.011+01:00

If it's one thing I've learned from writing this blog, it's that most people only read it for the swearing, rude pictures, and half-arsed digs at that funny oh-ho-old industry we all know as "creative advermarketing design and digital". Erm, and I don't appear to have done much of that recently (swearing that is).

So, if nothing else but to boost the stats, here's a bit swearing, rude pics blah blah blah blah for your Friday.

Swearing

Fucky butty shit cats up your nanna's fucking party frock, cock eyes.

Rude Pictures

Here's a photoshoot from a 1970s French magazine depicting Adolf Hitler living in exile on a tropical paradise. Nice.

Work Bile
Oh, who am I kidding? I ruddy LOVE my job I do.

Especially on Friday!

10 Pet Names for my Blog

2010-07-02T11:12:00.001+01:00

1. Bloggy chops

2. Bloggy Pie

3. Blogan's Run

4. Hootie and the Blogfish

5. Choc-o-Blog

6. Old Bloggers

7. Notorious B.L.O.G

8. Bloggernaut

9. Chip off the old blog

10. Blogodan Milosevic

Advertising Feature

2010-06-29T16:53:00.007+01:00

Looking for a new kind of creative agency? Then cut out the middleman, and work with a bluesman.

The BB King Agency is a 30 strong team of creatives who sound and play just like BB King. No suits. No prima donnas. And no uneccessary drum fills. By cutting out the middleman, you get faster decisions and more Blues for your budget.

Call the BB King Agency now and see how the Blues can influence your business.

This is the sort of thing you should Twitter about really but...

2010-06-24T10:11:00.002+01:00

Has anyone else noticed how W+K London seem to have quite a lot of blogposts about people in the agency who dress the same?

Here's the latest one.

Now, that's not very fucking creative or imaginative is it. I mean, surely they should all dress like George Melly or Wilf Lunn (Prof. Heinz Wolff for suits). Going to work would be like attending some kind of dadaist convention from the 30s, with people in diving suits and women dressed as fish. Instead, they all just look the sort of preening townie cocksquirts you can find anywhere.

Anyway, top-button done or undone today?